Thursday, August 26, 2010

Fuck You Very Much: Hot Naked Undead, Age Three, Farts, and Bitches.

Fuck You Sookie Stackhouse,

For causing me to neglect house and children and blog duties.

Since I cracked open that first book two weeks ago, I've been on a sexy vampire-werewolf-shapeshifter-faerie-demon-witch bender

I only have two more to go.  I should be finished by this time tomorrow.

I'd heard of the show, True Blood, but even after reading a few books, didn't care much to watch the show until:

Thank You Rolling Stone,

For this:

Uhhhhh. What was I saying?

Yeah, hitting eBay ASAP to purchase the three seasons that I've missed.  And convincing husband that we NEED HBO.


Thank You Stupid Jumpy House Place That Just Opened Up In Fucking Mall;

For the fact that you're called; PUMP AND JUMP, 'cause I'm a fourth grader and that makes me snicker. 

And for the two hours of exercise and entertainment you provided for my soon to be second grader yesterday as it poured buckets of rain outside.


For screaming and crying and whining and pulling on me for two solid hours, as apparently AGE THREE cannot recognize a jumping good time if it is bouncing in her fucking face.

Thank You Marinated Steak Thingies That Husband Convinced Owen To Try Last Night,

Now I can add another food to the former tube fed child's culinary repertoire.  It still amazes me that he'll eat anything at all.  Now he's eating things that I won't go near.

Fuck You Product Of Red Meat Digestion,

For making me miss the smell of dead skunk that has finally vacated my car as my son farted non stop for an hour today causing near asphyxiation and likely brain damage to himself, myself, and three year old demon sister.

Fuck You Mapquest;

For again giving me useless fucking directions with roads that don't exist in towns I'm not familiar with as I try to calm anxious Deaf kid about visiting new school.

Thank You Anxious Deaf Kid,

For being so nerved up about visiting new school that we left WAY too early, thus giving ample time to get fucking lost.

Also Thank You BlackBerry;

For being so damn cute and handy and getting us to new school before any real bawling ensued.

Fuck You Secretary Bitch At New School;

For barely looking up from filing cabinet to answer my question;

"Could you please tell us where the orientation for the Deaf program is?"


"In the cafeteria."

On Second Thought, Thank You Secretary Bitch;

For allowing me to get my snark on and come back at you with;

"Does it not stand to reason that since we're here for orientation, we may not know where the cafeteria is?"

Fuck You Beloved Children Of Mine;

For insisting that we visit the playground on the way home from new school visit as I was tired and cranky and hot and really needing a glass of wine water.
Thank You Beloved Children Of Mine;
For this:


  1. This is the fifth time I have seen that cover and I don't think that I will ever get sick of it. Yum!

  2. Great cover!
    Does it not stand to reason... Haha
    Bea screaming is so cute.
    Great post- good luck with the start of new school- change is good-

  3. Cute kids ya know- yes I know that you know! I am another hot woman for True Blood - that Eric can put his shoes under my bed any time!

  4. you think three's bad? dude, wait til she's 13. If you're lucky it'll be done by 15 or 16... but you may not be lucky... then it lasts and lasts.

    But hey, so does wine :)

  5. My Beau thanks you for this post. It made me snort out loud - and he declares my snort is damn sexy!


    LOVE the cover! Wish I had HBO too!

    Sorry bout the red meat farts (what made me snort) and sorry about the rough trip & stupid secretary!

    Hope you got your glass of wine!

  6. unfortunately four isn't any better this girl of mine is gonna cause me to loose my mind and is the reason I am gonna call it quits in the baby making department if I had another one of her they would have to lock me up.

    hopefully the new school will go well

    never seen that cover before but damn I need to look into that book and show! I tried to avoid all things vampire til I caught the first Twilight movie and had to rush out the next day to get the other one. hubs refused to take me to the theater to see the other one but I am dieing to see it.

  7. I remember rolling down the hill like that in Warwick.


  8. I can't see the video on this goddamn iPad. Bummer.

    I saw the first season of True Blood on netflix. Got totally junked out on it. Just like Weeds.

    If the books are even better, I'll read them on vacation!

  9. that post rocked my world. i love you on four + levels now.

    1/ marinated steak thingies
    2/fuck you mapquest
    3/fuck you age three

    oh, and little peep rolling down the hill as well. you brought it with this post, my dear.

    but what else is new?

  10. I *love* how you handled that bitchy secretary! I'm never able to come up with something clever to say to rude people until about 4 hours after the fact.

    Also: your stockinguponbatteries comment nearly made me fall out of my chair.

    Thank you for the laughs this morning!!

  11. I love that little video!

    I used to love rolling down a hill on grass. Second best, running down a hill.

  12. I'll buy you batteries if you share your early seasons of true blood. Alas, I'm only through 2 books because my fucking kids don't ever shut the fuck up for more than 3 seconds and when I start to read at night I just pass out.


    Your kids are goddamn cute.

  13. The joy of carefree kids! I have not seen or read any of the True blood series. Is it really THAT good?

  14. I loved the rolling. I want to roll down a hill right now. My boss might frown on that, though.

    Sorry the secretary was not helpful. That sucks. Hello, you're pretty much a school's customer service, slap on a smile and fake it!!!

  15. Andalsostockinguponbatterieswhat?

    you too?

  16. I subscribe to Rolling Stone and caught the mailman masturbating in my driveway the day he delivered that issue.

  17. Best. Fart. Description. Ever.

    I'm a weirdo because that cover makes me sick to my stomach every time I look at it--all that blood! I can't even really look at the bodies.

  18. I love your posts, but I really look forward to your labels.

    Those are the ones that make me happy.

    One more reason on the mountain of reasons to wonder why you can't live near me.


    We would be so.good.together.

  19. Oh, yeah. I totally geeked out on the True Blood series when I discovered it. I had to read every. single. book. before I could watch the series on HBO. You are not alone, girl!

  20. HAHAHAHA! I needed that one. Totally awesome post. I'm not laughing at your problems, but at the method of venting. Hope it made you smile at the end of it, finally.

    Mapquest=the devil. Once Mapquest drove me into a house on a street that didn't exist. Never used it again.

  21. I cannot pick a favorite among them, but the snark at the secretary was awesome.

    I need to read the TB books - we have devoured each season from Netflix minutes after release.

  22. I doubt you remember, but I suggested this series of books to you a while back.
    I adore your writing and I suspected you would get down to these.
    How much fun are they?!?!

    be well

    keep doin what you do


  23. Amanda, I DO remember! I don't know what took me so long. They are a total blast. I thought I'd finished the series today then realized there is ONE MORE!! YAY!!

  24. I'm with everyone else, I can't begin to count the ways I love you.
    LOVE that you call a little shit, a little shit.
    Love the snark...rude people in service positions are just asking for it.
    And thanks for the inspiration. I'm off to find a grassy hill to roll down w/ the Mad. Hopefully she'll love it as much as I do.

    So lets talk about getting you on a retainer for naming my've got talent!

  25. I'm...still not sure how I feel about that cover.

  26. god, the jumpy place is SO great except when you have whiny kid who won't play. HATE that. Ours has free wifi, doesn't my kid know that is my BLOGGING time?!

  27. True Blood is coming to Belgium. 27th of September. FINALLY!

  28. sweet jeebus i almost had a mini-o when i saw that cover in the gas station the first time. i have watch true blood off and on but think i really need to read the books. eric is the one i lust after. omg.
    i love the whole post and laughed out loud. red meat farts! whew!

  29. New reader here. *waves*
    I wanted to tell you this post had me rolling with laughter! I am a die hard True Blood fan as well & am in the midst of my own vampire romance bender with a different author.
    But your blog is the best thing I've read today. I can relate in so many ways & am glad to see another mom with a mouth like mine. :0)

  30. OMFG these books are great I am only on number 2 but I can't put them down, I got a Nook for xmas and got the first one from the Library for free but there was a wait for the second one and I was freaking out so I just bought it and finished it in like 2 days now I must wait for number 3 which I am #3 on the waiting list! OMG I have to see this series also I am on the hunt for the them gotta find all the seasons and convince hubby I have to have them ALL. and now

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