Friday, February 25, 2011

tulpen's list > for sale > household items > sort of.

February vacation has turned my brain into a quivering gelatinous mass barely capable of performing basic functions needed to keep a body alive.

I did not have time/energy/ambition/giveafuck to participate in the memoir meme this week.  I had no intention of participating in the Friday red writing hood meme either.  Until, on the way home from ASL class with Owen tonight, a post wrote itself.

Here's the prompt.

Write a humorous listing for eBay or Craig's List. Talk about the history of the items, why they must go.


*******

For sale or trade.

Has served its owner well for thirty seven years and remains in surprisingly good working order. 

In its younger days it was used to make friends laugh, to give parents attitude, and for several years, to entertain with others like it, each taking a part and combining to produce a lovely whole.

Fourteen years ago, it met a male counterpart, was used to dazzle and woo, and turn that male into a husband.

It began to feel the cold shoulder of neglect soon after the male became the husband.  It would go unnoticed for days, weeks even.  Its owner wondering why she bothered to use it at all.

She took it to work with her, every day.  It would be ignored there too.

When the children appeared, it got taken out more often.  It got louder, and meaner, and more demanding.  But still.  Mostly ignored.

So.  The owner has reached the decision, not a difficult one even, to pass it on to one that might find it of more use.

Her voice.

The lucky owner has learned an alternative form of communication and will be using her hands to express herself from now on.

Her Deaf child will have no trouble with this.  It is thanks to him that she has this opportunity to free herself from the burden of having her words go unheeded day in and day out;

"Do your homework.  Put your toys away.  Don't leave clothes on the floor.  Wash your hands after you pee.  Schedule that vasectomy consult."

Her four year old may have difficulty at first, but she is of at least average intelligence and will catch on quick enough.  If she does not?  Too bad for her.

Her patients at work, with varying levels of Dementia and hearing loss, will not care.  They see a spoon coming at their mouth, they'll open it.  Or they won't.  The possession of a voice does not change that scenario.

The husband will likely not notice that anything has changed.

Serious inquiries only.  All reasonable offers will be considered IE: case of wine, full body massage, 7 minutes in Heaven with Johnny Depp - would all be acceptable trades; all at once if possible.

Caveat Emptor:  Voice may erupt without warning in string of profanities of varying levels of offensiveness and in several languages.

Two for one special this school vacation week!  Owner would gladly part with her hearing as Deaf kid and Muppet sister have fought and shrieked and yelled and screamed to the point that the owner cares not if she ever hears another sound ever again.

48 comments:

  1. Caveat Emptor, haha!!! I love it, but have no use for it. My dogs don't listen either :(

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  2. Mine is useless as well.
    See you soon. xo Snowing like crazy here... just waiting a bit.

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  3. Maybe if I can combine your voice with mine it will finally be listened to. Its to much of a longshot though :)

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  4. I wonder if two voices would be better than one- if I would be listened to more often...

    but i would gladly give my voice away for a few minute with Mr. Depp....yum...

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  5. I love the post, but I must confess it is the introduction that I REALLY relate to: "February vacation has turned my brain into a quivering gelatinous mass barely capable of performing basic functions needed to keep a body alive." Amen! Add to that a nasty cold shared with my children and I haven't written more than a grocery list this week!

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  6. Maybe if we traded voices so that our kids had something different to listen to then they would listen.

    Yeah, that won't work.

    But how do we get that 7 min of heaven with Johnny?

    Mmmmmmmm....

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  7. It's so true that our voices sometimes go nowhere. Maybe if I had yours and you had mine, it would make a difference? Novelty factor and all.

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  8. I'll take it! If only to shock (and awe) my family with the wonderfully *descriptive* language that would surely come from my mouth. :) Ahh, good times!

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  9. I have nothing to trade.
    Sagging, deflated boobs?
    Throbbing head?
    I'll just send you warm fuzzies and hope you don't tell me to fuck myself.

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  10. 7 minutes in Heaven w/ Johnny Depp - LOVE IT! HA HA HA!!! This is great! Thanks for the laugh... :D

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  11. Unfortunately, I can't take on another voice when my own rarely gets noticed.

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  12. I have a headache I'd gladly offer up? No? Your loss.

    Powerful, funny post.

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  13. I bet a man would get quite a lot of use out of it.

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  14. Does it sing? I'd love to a new voice to whip out on karaoke night.

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  15. I too have found the value of sign language. It's amazing how effective just one finger can be in getting my message across.

    But I'd take it, to curse in more languages...oh yeah, that would come in handy.

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  16. For a while I wondered if it was your mind.

    Cause mine is pretty disregarded and lost these days.

    Sigh.

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  17. I want it ONLY if it comes with your sardonic wit and bad words...


    cuz girl, you ROCK THE HOUSE

    with that shit


    that is all

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  18. this? is awesome. I could give away my voice as well. My students have no idea it exists anyway.

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  19. Part of the joy of being male is going deaf. I am told that the anniversary of my deafness is going to be next month, 15 years.

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  20. Mine does not have an off button, something that I'm sure has created deafness in said husband with male pattern baldness.

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  21. I absolutely love this. Love when I see your elephant on the TRDC page. You have major talent in writing funny and touchy and everything in between.

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  22. Love it! I lost my "voice" in my starter marriage. I pledge to never lose it again. And I do try to keep it from being squeaking and whining and grating and nagging. Sometimes it wins, though.

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  23. Will it talk dirty?

    Also, it only took me 22 months of nagging to get hubs in for the big snippage.

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  24. This is fantastic. Sometimes I think my voice is only in my head. Sure doesn't seem like too many family members listen. :)

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  25. I'd get rid of it...I mean him too!...:) No thanks...I've got my own!...:)JP

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  26. I'll take it. Mine is hoarse from melting down with my Youngest today. Yes, hoarse. And yes, I know I'm the grown up. But I don't want to be any more.

    Can I get in on that Johnny closet action?

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  27. Considering how often I have had laryngitis this winter (and I think I feel another cold coming on right now), I might take you up on your offer.

    But don't you need your voice for when you stick your fingers in your ears and go "lalalalalalalala" to block out the sounds of your kids brawling?

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  28. There must be a voice-virus going around. Or something. I got so fed up with being ignored that I decided my words *must be* last year's bargain basement riffraff.

    Stupidly, I wrote about it. Worse yet, no one could figure out what I was writing about.

    Dammit. Got room for two voices in your Craigslist add? I'd part with mine for the price of a ticket outta Forever-Winter-Land.

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  29. Mine gets heard sometimes and sometimes not, but I'm certain my hubby have selective hearing. lol, so I'm right there with ya. TRDC.

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  30. I feel this way sometimes, and I don't even have kids.

    Hmmm...seven minutes in heaven with Johnny Depp would surely be worth it.

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  31. Love it!
    This is my favorite part, "All reasonable offers will be considered IE: case of wine, full body massage, 7 minutes in Heaven with Johnny Depp - would all be acceptable trades; all at once if possible."

    Perfection.

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  32. Ha!

    It wouldn't do me any good. Nobody listens around this joint.

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  33. My children hear things the third time, probably because I am screaming them at that point. You know, hilarious.

    As for sign? As discussed, I specialize strictly in profane signage. It's my gift.

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  34. Since the husband won't wear his damn hearing aids anyway, it wouldn't really do me any good.

    I love the direction you took the prompt!

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  35. another awesome linked up post. I love when I come here to read!

    My favorites were the trades and the caveat emptor!!

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  36. Mine is useless, too. No one around here listens until I'm yelling.

    No wonder I like wine so much.

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  37. Holy cow, woman.

    What are you doing just giving these gems away for free, on the internet?


    Seriously. People need to pay you for your writing.

    I would.

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  38. Oh my gosh this made me laugh. Especially this line: "Schedule that vasectomy consult" - why is that so fracking difficult? Oh how long I had to say those words. And when he finally did? Found a place that does consult and procedure THE SAME DAY. Score for me, because I don't know if I'd have gotten him to go twice.
    Now I'm thinking - what if I just take a vow of silence for a few days... will they even notice? ha!
    -Ally

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  39. The Voice of Reason is often the last to be heard.

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  40. No one hear listens until I yell, and even that's a gamble.

    The caveat emptor - priceless! Perhaps that's tha kind of voice I do need in this house.

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  41. I'd give up my voice too for Johnny Depp and a full body massage. I don't even need the wine.

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  42. Muppet sister?! BWAAAA! That is hilarious! Pet names are awesome, lol!

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  43. Tank you for the smiles. I cannot figure why I have not visited more often during times of stress.

    BTW you can add my hearing in on the deal. I crave silence these days...

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  44. you have a wonderful voice and i'm so glad you use it here! this made my evening!

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  45. Awesome. I'll take it. I've always wanted to be able to vent in profanities from different languages.

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  46. I totally need my voice so I can talk to myself. Somehow I don't think mumbling under my breath would work with sign. Of course, as the kids have shown I don't mumble nearly quietly enough.

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