Thursday, February 3, 2011

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

Fuck You Unbloggable Conflagration Of Horrors The Likes Of Which I've Never Seen In My Twelve Years Of Nursing Home Employment:

What a sucktastic four days that was. And the second day? That was a 14 hour doozy.

How I maintained my health and sanity through that is a mystery, and actually still yet to be seen.

I'm going to recommend to my administration that this year, for Nursing Home Week, they forgo the usual free pizza and super fancy lunch bag and give us all a free pass for a day:  To Say What We Are Really Thinking;

"Oh sure.  I'll get you a drink.  How about an ice cold glass of Go Get It Your Fucking Self".

"You need help going to the bathroom?  Sure.  Be happy to.  It may be a while though.  While you're waiting why don't you Pound Salt Up Your Ass".

"Pain medicine you say?  Haven't you heard? Life IS pain. Anyone you says different is selling something".

That felt good.

What doesn't feel good?   Hives on my feet.   Which appeared during hour 8 of that exciting 14 hour shift on Sunday.

Fuck You Contraceptive Device With Unfortunate Side Effects;

I loved you for a little while there.  Truly I did.

Eight months without a period, was good times.  Ask Al.  He'll tell you.

But big red angry swollen hives on the bottoms of my feet?

My fucking feet people!!

My ugly snakeskin Dansko's barely fit me by the end of the night.  I wanted to stick my bare feet in a snowbank.

And Monday morning?  They were still there.  And the palms of my hands had joined the party.

Thank goodness my sister works at my Gyn's office and she got me in today.

After the NP took the stupid thing out, she inquired about what form of birth control we'd be using.

"I'm going to pick up some extra shifts and get Al a couple hookers a week".

Fuck You Facilities Guy At Work;

Doing a bang up job on the parking lot there ass clown.

Just so you know; after it snows, then warms up and rains, then gets real cold again, the wet stuff, we'll call it water, freezes and turns into this stuff called ice.  It is slippery.

Ask my coworker who watched me disappear under my car as I reached for the handle, lost my feet and went down hard.  Not in the fun way.

Considering what terrible shape I am in, I should have broken my pelvis or ruptured my spleen or something.  But no.  I was fine. Didn't even score a paid day off.

And I really could have done without going to work on Tuesday.

Fuck You Weekly Snowstorm;

Really?  It would be ok by me if you took a week off.

A twofer this week, a "One Two Punch" those witty meteorologists were calling it.

I would have gone grocery shopping Monday, but was tending to hive riddled hands and feet all morning, so saved my favorite chore for Tuesday.

In a fucking snowstorm.  The lesser of the two we were expected to get slammed with. Which means that the wicked smaht highway dept was holding off on plowing the roads, which were covered in four inches of snow.

Thank goodness my years of living in Vermont have made me a competent bad weather driver.  I wish I could say the same for every other shit head on the road.  My favorite is the ass hole in the SUV who needs to ride right up my ass on my twisty hilly winding road.

My favorite is NOT a sickly little Bea all but passing out in the grocery cart suddenly stricken with fever and listlessness that sent me aborting grocery mission halfway through and dragging her limp little body to the doctor.

In a fucking snowstorm.

To be diagnosed with an ear infection. 

Two kids.  First ear infection ever.  Never complained about a hurting ear.

As soon as the fever broke she was fine.

And looking forward to the BIG STORM we were getting on Wednesday.  Owen was giddy that he had yet another day off from school.  But a little freaked out that we might lose power again.  He can be a pussy like that.

He was relieved when we didn't lose power.

Because it RAINED all fucking day.

Which had us cooped up in the house with me wishing I'd taken classes in conflict resolution, as all my kids do is their very best to drive each other insane.

Figures, the only ten seconds when they're not trying to kill each other, she's flipping the bird.

As am I, with a big Go Fuck Yourself to the past few days.


Wrote most of this in bed on laptop while pouding back wine, but left it unfinished to partake of another drunken activity that would surely have damaged laptop had it been in the vicinity.


  1. WTF?! Hives on your FEET?!


    We're supposed to get a "wintry mix" late tonight.

    I am so fucking over winter, it's not even funny.

  2. So I am guessing that you didn't have a great week.

    Yeah, ok you can hit me now.

  3. Gosh sounds like a long week- I'm glad O is happy he has no school- Can't imagine how hives on your feet feel- ouch-
    You should have Al get a vasectomy-the sucess rate has worked really well for us and the only side affect is WAY more worry free sex.

  4. Yikes!

    Had to laugh, more in recognition than it being funny, but I have done the very same slide-under-the-car.

    Hang in there, baby!


  5. This title works in every way. Including the fine print. ;-)

  6. What kind of fucked up birth control can give you hives on your feet? Sweet cheeses.

  7. Our facility manager has been out sick this week. For the first time ever, the snow removal in our driveway and front entrance was done right.

    Hang in there, it's Thursday. xoxoxo

  8. I totally love your birth control
    "I'm going to pick up some extra shifts and get Al a couple hookers a week"

  9. Bea n Owen are awesome even when shes flippin him the bird.

    Sounds like your 4 days in hell ENDED well!

    btw my kids all sign "fuck you" now when that song comes on the radio. Mia loves the video.

    I just had to stop her from posting it on her facebook page.


  10. Yeah. That's a pretty effing terrible week.

    Birth control is such crap. Really. I have a friend who's brand gave her a clot in her brain. Not cool. Not cool at all.

  11. You fuckin need to expand your vocab.

  12. While you're waiting why don't you Pound Salt Up Your Ass".

    so first of all- I'm stealing this and saying I made it up and keeping forever locked in my treasure chest of awesome saysing. (ok just kidding I'll tell them who made it up, cause you know, I could totally see you attacking me with salt if I didn't)(but I am keeping this saying forever)

    Secondly- hives on your feet? holy shit. That SUCKS. I smell class action law suit? no? at least its been snowing so much there are plenty of snow half full? eh?

    I hope next week goes better! I hear the groundhog saw no shadow so maybe spring will be on its way soon!

  13. No comment I can ever leave here will do your posts justice. Seriously, you are too funny...this is my favorite line:

    "and went down hard. Not in the fun way."

    But hives on your feet and all that other crap? Really NOT cool. Hope next week is better.

  14. rach: "Pound Salt Up Your Ass". or just plain "Pound Salt" isn't mine. I got it from a friend I went to college with... maybe is a Canadian thing? I don't know. But don't want to take credit. But use it in good health of course!

    Mrs. Tuna: I cannot tell if you are trying to be funny or a jerk. Either is fine really. I just need clarification, as clearly, I am not very bright.

  15. Hey I have the name of a great Urologist that can help you in the Birth Control department ;) he helped us this past October! lets just hope he did the job right cause lazy ass hubby hasn't bothered to take his "sample" in for checking! oh and he has a hot nurse if that helps-BTW wtf is up with that, why does a hot chick decide that is the nursing profession for her??

    oh and Abby loves to use the wrong finger for pointing all the time, my son freaks out and yells at her about it, I find it a little funny.

  16. Is there some way I can paypal you a donation to your wine fund?

    Hives on your feet and hands?! WTF? Was it from an IUD? Oy.

  17. Life IS pain, highness. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

    Oh? You were not referencing the Princess Bride? Well, I am.

    No go cut some bitches to the pain.

  18. Cute kids. It's a good thing they come out of you cute, because if birth control means hives on your feet? Yeah, I'd risk another.

  19. Do you need to me to ship wine and chocolates?

    What a fuckity-fuck-fucker-fucking week.

  20. Please disregard the extra "to" in the above sentence. No I have not started on the wine, YET... may be doing that after my Doc visit at noon.

  21. I'm hijacking the hookers as a form of birth control line. Thanks for entertaining us with your craptastic week.

  22. You still have sex? Pffft. Get yourself on an anti-depressant and you'll be having none of that shit.

  23. Boy. You sure do make me miss the nursing home. I can't wait to go back to work there someday when my knees are even more jacked up.

    I'm gonna get one of those clear plastic dividers you use for Siamese fighting fish but for my children. I'm an only child so I don't get the sibling fighting thing. Pushes me right over the edge.

    The tiny print at the end is my favorite part of this installment of Go Fuck Yourself.

  24. "how I maintained my sanity is a mystery"
    *holy shit, no one's told Tulps that she hasn't been sane for fucking YEARS!!*

  25. Um, you win the crappy week award. The wringer that my teenager has put me through the past few days is nothing compared to your week.

  26. Oh yeah sister. That is one fucked up week. Hives? Ice? All of it is bullshit.
    But you made me feel better about my shitty week.
    Maybe we're both mental.

  27. Best. Birth. Control. Ever.

    If I hadn't sent The TO to see Mack The Knife I'd be using the same one.

    Hope this week is a better one.

  28. I would've milked that fall for all it was worth. And the hives, too. We're talking massive paid days off for temp disability. Who knew you were a much better person than me?!

  29. Did I tell you I've been to your tiny speck of the states? Probably not, since we just met.

    Yeah, we were there, a few years ago, the day after Christmas to visit my sister-in-law who has a vacation home up there. The first thing this brainiac did was go around asking every Vermonter where in the hell the Walmarts are. I needed cheap snow boots for my Florida girls who would have outgrown them before they could use them again. I don't think your people liked me very much.

    My girls loved it for about 3 days and then they'd had enough of the darkness that comes so early in the winter, the snow and ice, the bundles of clothes they had to layer in. They are not hardy girls, these southern belles. We spent most of our time after that at the Trapp Family Lodge. They comforted themselves with hot chocolate, we drank wine.

    And hives on your fucking feet? What the hell? That's some bad shit there. You need to use my birth control, that whorey uterus of mine is gone. Good riddance to that bitch.

    Come to Florida. We have sunshine. And no ice. And some of us have wine.

  30. I am truly sorry about your week, but that is the funniest shit I have ever read. You know know how people say ROFL or that "tears were rolling down my cheeks?" Well, i actually MEAN it!


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