Thursday, November 18, 2010

Ummmm, Yeah. Thanks A Lot.

Thank You Ass Bag School Nurse;

For the detailed message you left me the other day about Owen's vision test.  You remember the one?  When you told me how concerned you were about his vision? Especially in his left eye, AND his depth perception appears not right.

Thank you ever so much for doing such a bang up job testing my kid's eyesight.

You know what though?   I might need glasses to see but, I can read.  Yup.  Shit like books and magazines and emails.  Emails from my son's teacher even; explaining that he refused to participate in the eye exam.  He wouldn't perform a single task that YOU,  the nurse asked of him. 

Admit it.  You took one look at his wonky eyes and figured his vision had to be fucked up. Right?  Right??

Well, guess what fuckbrain?  If you'd peeked into his file just a little bit, you would have seen he'd had a couple pesky brain bleeds that, if you weren't a total jackhole, would have clued you in as to why his eyes are a little wonky.

I can't fucking stand nurses.  I'm allowed to say that.

Please.  Don't try to test his hearing.  You'll never figure out how to get those dang doohickies out of his ears.

Thank You Silver Pathfinder Driving Coworker;

I did notice when I started backing my car out the other night that you were parked awfully close to me, like maybe three inches away.

I didn't however notice until the next morning, the HUGE dent you left in my car; presumably from when you tried to open your door.  It looks like someone took a fucking 2x4 to my car.



I'm just thrilled to be shelling out the $500 deductible to my insurance company just weeks before Christmas.  Who wouldn't love that?

And who wouldn't love knowing that they work with a sketchy dishonest silver fucking Pathfinder driver? 

Ok. So maybe I'm not 100% sure it was a Pathfinder.  But it was a big ass silver SUV, and I'm gonna be on the lookout for one with blue paint ground into its driver's side door.

You're really lucky that you hit a crappy '04, paid off Corolla.  I sorta think the dent adds character.  And I wouldn't care about fixing it if the car wasn't going to be covered in snow and salt soon.  That shit will turn that dent into a fucking rust hole by March.

You're also lucky that I have a kick ass insurance company who sent out a friendly claims adjuster to assess the damage.

Chick with the curly black hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and great sense of humor was a pleasure to spend a half hour with.

She even went along with my claim that whoever hit my car also went and plastered a bunch of stupid Dora, Diego, Superman etc... stickers onto the rear windows.


Sometimes I'm sure it is a shame that I don't go that way, as I'm fairly certain she does, 'cause girlfriend was smart and funny and just beautiful.

Ah well.  Maybe in my next life.

Thank You Kris At Pretty All True;

So.  Really.  Thanks.  Was quite the pleasant surprise to find myself featured on your blog.

I especially loved the way you balanced saying nice things about me with making me seem like a total jerk.  That is my favorite.  I'm not kidding.

Made my fucking week.

Also thanks to The Empress who had a hand in getting Kris to feature me.  You're too nice.  Seriously.  Too nice.  I am waiting for a profanity laden pissed off rant from you.  Come on.  You wanna do it here?  The floor is yours.  Would be fucking awesome.

And last but by no means least:


I know I haven't been the most consistent Spin Cycle participant, but I've written some of my favorite posts based on your prompts, and have met a bunch of great bloggers because of you.

I don't blame you one bit for letting go of the weekly responsibility.  I know I couldn't do it.

I am happy to take part in the final Spin Cycle and look forward to more tales of life with adorable Sprite.

Please tell me you're only giving up the Spin Cycle and not the blog.  Please?

*******

Check out more Thankful Swan Song Spins at Sprite's Keeper.

62 comments:

  1. OK, how much do I love that your first two thank-you's are total fuck-you's to the people being thanked?

    And then there is me.

    I was scared for a minute. Stupid elephant woman is going to repay my kindness by saying a bunch of rude shit? You have got to be kidding me.

    Oh, wait! It's an actual thank-you.

    Snort!

    I do like you.

    The Empress was right to boss me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. the eye exam!! Too awesome. And wonky? My favorite word :) If someone else uses it then it means it's totally normal, so yeah me! And ditto to what Kris said. I was all, woa, she's just totally screwed the first 2, what's up w/ the 'thanks' to Kris?? Perfection!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I shouldn't even be a nurse. Forced by my ex-husband's sorry nature, I signed up for both of the "promising" careers for women at the local technical school. Nursing and Cosmetology. Nursing class opened up first. Luck of the draw. Totally not my fault.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I cannot get over that dent in your car! Dang!

    ReplyDelete
  5. dude. sucks. put some really awful stickers on his/her car if you find it. like care bears.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can't stand our school nurse.

    In general, nurses are crazy bitter co-dependant bitches.

    I'm allowed to say that too.

    Glad you had an enjoyable moment with the insurance chick.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm going to refrain from telling you what I think of most nurses (my Mom is one)- of course it would be except you and my mom!
    As for the co-worker- I know a guy who can take care of that with a baseball bat.
    Congrats on a well deserved mention! I don't do the SPin cycle but I have had the privilege of being a reader of such and I will miss it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. the hubs knows people who know people who can uh....make the silver suv go away. however i do like the option of stickering it. like maybe one, inconspicuous sticker at a time? and really bad stickers...like i'm a douche or i beat up old people or i hate kittens...
    that school nurse...i bet she's related to the suv driver.
    our school system is so cheap we don't have school nurses. i'm not kidding.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Aren't you fucking amazing. Featured & shit.

    I'll be back later just wanted to say thanks. For being my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  10. So when people hit another car with their door, it's usually a tiny dent. That? Looks like A) someone took a silver 2x4 to your car or B) someone had diarrhea and opened their door really fast.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Well how 'bout a big ol' shit sandwich for you. Jeezus.

    Warning to all in your area:
    If you drive a silver SUV...WATCH YOUR ASS! An elephant never forgets.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is the blog to say it on too. I FUCKING hated Ben's school nurse in pre-school. One ugly assed troll who would call me up and say there was something wrong with Ben and he should be seen immediately, to have me leave work, get the appt, pay the co-pay and you guessed it... NOTHING wrong. She was quite full of herself, and an utter asshole.
    There... I said it!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Love the letter to your school nurse. The school nurse at Isabella's school is jacked. I can't stand her and so far we haven't had to 'deal' with her when it comes to actual problems. So far, she's lost Isabella's file on her vaccine schedule and her vision report and called asking me "Why haven't you sent them in yet". Ggrrrr! I'm on the ball...I've sent it in four times. The first time with kindergarten registration back on the VERY FIRST day registration took place, about a month later I sent in copies again because you couldn't find them. About two weeks BEFORE SCHOOL started again about two weeks after school started and again just about a week ago.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You're fucking funny.

    They can never do eye or ear exams on the bird and always send notes home. I usually throw them away before I finish reading the first two lines.

    And what the fuck? you couldn't get a pic of the hottie insurance lady?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Followed over from Sprite's Keeper.

    I will have to visit again because this is the first time I have encountered so many commenters willing to write out the word fuck. This is kick-ass.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'll bet the denter was a nurse...they a bunch of shifty biotches! :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Bah! You did it again! (I think my week is gone to shit with all the teary stuff..) (Notice you're pretty much the only site I curse on. WILLINGLY.) Thank you for that!
    You're linked and thanks for spinning!
    (Oh? And that will definitely be a replacement on the fender. Can you guess what I do for a living?) :-)

    ReplyDelete
  18. school nurses suck ass ... dirty construction worker after working a 16 hr shift in the desert heat ass (just to clarify)

    we had one contact us to inform us that she had determined that our son had autism ... I asked her if she had bothered to read his file ... she said she didn't need to, didn't need the opinions of others ... so I took it upon myself to school her and let her know that NO my son did NOT have autism, that he'd had hearing issues for 3 yrs ... they should never ASSume that they know anything without first talking to the parents to get information BEFORE handing down their diagnosis ... school nurses are the equivalent of mall cops, they are not REAL nurses w/ years of schooling & knowledge just like mall cops are NOT real cops ... the ass suckers

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am sorry you had such a lousy week, but this rant helped lift me out of a crap ass morning. Laughing is much better therapy than breaking the cover of the Music Man CD. Which I did.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm going to try that submitting to be featured on someone's blog that I don't even read let alone comment on move. Genius.

    ReplyDelete
  21. well i am glad to see that everything is coming up roses! hahahhahaha

    hang in there. things have to get better soon! and avoid doctors, cars, people and blogs, and you will be better off!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh, my gosh, what that Samoan Spammer who always tries to sell me "good cheap" viagra said, Mr gopopgo HILARIOUS!
    I am all selfish when I come here, I come for Tulpen, and for the comments.

    Win win situation when you stop at BadWords.

    Tryin' to tell everyone that...

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh, my gosh, what that Samoan Spammer who always tries to sell me "good cheap" viagra said, Mr gopopgo HILARIOUS!
    I am all selfish when I come here, I come for Tulpen, and for the comments.

    Win win situation when you stop at BadWords.

    Tryin' to tell everyone that...

    ReplyDelete
  24. Ahhh, nurses. Come by on Tuesday for my rant about the nurse I was forced to spend 7 (yes, I timed it) minutes with last night. She was a piece of work.

    I think you should keep maple syrup and feathers in your purse from now on. If you see that SUV in the lot, just go to town. Syrup and Feather that bastage. Just in time for the holidays.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yep, The Empress is SO NICE! I love her. And Kris....being featured over there is nothing but awesome.

    Also? I too come here for the posts and the comments. Good times always.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Our lovely nurse sends a note that we flunk the eye test EVERY TIME and, even though the glasses make it pretty obvious, I am "required" to write back saying that she is under the care of an eye doctor. How would we, or our children, survive without those lifesaver nurses?

    ReplyDelete
  27. Amen to the school nurse! One wonders what the qualification is to get that gig. Grrr.

    And that person who hit your car - what were they thinking? WHo does that?

    Poor you and your car :-(

    ReplyDelete
  28. I have a 2001 paid for car, and I pray every day that someone will ram me so I can pocket the money. I live in a mild climate, though, so rustage isn't an issue. Niether is getting injured. I just really want the cash.

    ReplyDelete
  29. It must be a prerequisite that you have to be an Ass Bag to be a school nurse - Princess Nagger's school nurse is the same. And I think PN's teacher is her sister. Know what I mean? ;)

    And that silver SUV moron? I may have seen his brother in the parking lot of Wal*Mart today.

    SC: Giving Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  30. Kris rocks, as does your blog. And your use of the word wonky, because that is a highly descriptive word.

    Also? I always wonder if school nurses are just too squeamish to work with actual patients and too timid to work with actual students.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Did the nurse really try to get away with that?? Incredible (and not in a good way). And holy hannah, that is one big ass dent. If I was the silver suv, I would watch my back.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Great school nurse story.
    I was three hours away at a meeting with a customer that literally took my two years of non stop trying to get. The school nurse calls to say I must come get my son asap.

    What's the matter? Strange rash on face. No fever, acting fine, but still, had to go. I had to leave my hard fought meeting, drive like mad, ignoring all speed laws and pick him up.

    The rash? Red marker from his hands. When he rested his head in his hands while reading, it transfered. Wiped right off.

    I'm half Russian, half Irish. Let's just say that didn't go so well for her.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Btw, Ass Bag?

    I don't go that way either, but I may actually love you.

    That is a godsend of a word combo. I can't wait to use it!

    ReplyDelete
  34. who is this bag of dicks that hit your car? what a jackass. at least the claims adjuster was a hottie.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I love creative kerfuffle's comment. yes, pleas put stickers. Lots of fucking stickers.

    And fuck me. Did I miss the last spin cycle? I thought we had two weeks... fuck me.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Man, your post would have been perfect if you had just mentioned 'dickwhistle." It's my new favorite. Sorry about your car, though. That blows. But Pretty All True? She's, like, famous - which means you, like, famous.

    ReplyDelete
  37. School nurses can be a very dull and non-responsive being. Except for a good friend who became one for a time, after having been an actual Med/Surg nurse. She didn't miss a thing. Glad you could flip yours off...it was necessary.

    And those stickers? How DO those things randomly show up. I'm pretty sure it was the SUV.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Hee... you need to carry some of these with you at all times:

    http://www.iparklikeanidiot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  39. I have nightmares about something like that happening to my paid of '02 corolla. Nightmares.

    My dad once wielded a tire iron and chased a fellow that dinged his car. He sits at the window of the restaurant and watches his car to this day. The road rage, or parking lot rage as it were, is in my blood.

    I sent a letter to school already instructing them not to test Julia's hearing. I remember all of those times the nurse made me take my scoliosis brace off to check my spine and then looked at me horrified. "Do you know your back is all curvy?"

    Smart. Very smart.

    ReplyDelete
  40. WOW! That is the biggest door ding I've ever seen. What a craphole.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Okay, I am just a teensy bit jealous that Kris featured you. And sad b/c I'm late to that party (but heading over in just a sec). Also sorry about your poor car, although you are smart to fix it before the snow & salt. Have i mentioned I'm dreading the advent of winter?

    I have had some jackass nurses, too. Especially the one I had right after my C-section. Fortunately her shift ended by the time I was able to get up out of bed the next morning, and I got a total gem who made up for it.

    ;-)
    xoxoxooxoxoxox

    ReplyDelete
  42. Nothing really to add here... other than I wanted to type 'fuck' on someone else's blog other than mine... :oD

    ~shoes~

    ReplyDelete
  43. Best way to interpret gratitude ever. :-D

    ReplyDelete
  44. Oh my god... who could possibly do that much damage to someone's car and not leave a note? A little ding is one thing but a major-ass dent? That's just beyond fucking rude. (Maybe it was the same stupid lady who did Owen's eye test? Heh.)
    PS- Don't you love Jen? I bet she'll bring back the spins after the holiday madness is over.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Goo Gone works great for the stickers- does insurance cover that?
    I would not fix my car if that happend to me- my car is paid off which to me means I need a new one.
    I am gifting Sherri the car I want-for her birthday- I figure she's not going to back read your comments-
    That school nurse sucks- hardcore- so lucky to have such a great teacher.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Simple and sweet. I’m thinking of starting another blog or five pretty soon, and I’ll definitely consider this theme. Keep ‘em coming!

    ReplyDelete
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