Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Finally, The Secret To Weight Loss Success, And Other Random Shit.



My babysitting bartering arrangement with friend Sally is working out beautifully.  We're not paying for childcare and our kids get along swimmingly.

One teensy problem has arisen though;  her son Lenny has got it bad for Bea.

I got a text one afternoon;

Sally: "Lenny sitting across from Bea, rubbing her back, gazing into her eyes, telling her she's beautiful."

He's three and the kid has got game.

I had him over for a couple hours last week.  He and Bea were sitting at the table playing with Play-Doh;

Lenny: "I love you Bea.  To the galaxy and back."


Sally is afraid she's going to have to sew a condom on him when he turns thirteen so she doesn't end up a grandmother before she turns forty.


Lenny's sister Mya, who is almost five, goes to preschool with Bea.  We drive her in two days a week and then have her over for the afternoon. 

She and Bea live in a girly pretend fantasy world complete with princesses, fairies, monsters and witches.

Last week they were pretending they were the witches while I dicked around on the computer.  Keyboard almost got doused with coffee when they marched up to me and announced their witch names:

Huvvah and Dilda.


Sally told me about this cool stuff you can make, called quicksand, by mixing corn starch and water.

Most mommies probably already know about it.  I'm a little slow with this stuff.

Anyway.  This shit is so much fun.  Bea will play with it for hours.

It looks like a worse mess than it really is.  Cleans up with just a wet sponge.  And the floor?

I went and got myself a new toy, I've been lusting after Sally's for a few weeks, and just had to have one:

And I had to text Sally my love for it:

"So depressing how happy this thing makes me."

"Seriously, my floor has never been cleaner."

"Ok. I need to be in a commercial.  Just dramatically tossed bucket, mop, and Swiffer down cellar stairs."

"Also?  I need to get a life."


I hardly ever win anything.  Mostly because I don't enter to win anything.

I did submit a post to this little blog writing contest.  And I didn't win.

But I got a mention!

And this post that did win, is fucking awesome.


And what you've all been waiting for, the secret to weight loss success.  I found it.


Have sex in the daytime.  Curtains open.  With the sun shining in through a window.

Horrified, I went and joined Spark People.

The simple calorie counter is right on my CrackBerry.  I need a tool that is easy to use and shows me exactly what I'm putting in my body.

The being constantly hungry part?  Not so easy.

But I miss looking good naked.

Now.  I gotta run.  I've got a lunch date with a fucking carrot.


More Random with Keely, The UnMom


  1. I demand you give me the link to the drunk blog post about the sex toy giveaway

  2. How about I ease into things by having sex in a dimly lit room??? I can't take the daylight just yet.

    And that Bea sounds like a little heartbreaker. She might as well get used to the attention!

  3. You should have won! The fix was clearly in. Congrats on the honorable mention.

    That weight loss secret does not seem to work on me anymore, especially now that winters here. Lots of clothes, little daylight hours.

  4. What? I take off my clothes in the middle of the day and shiver my arse off? It's November in Cleveland.

    So, Billy Mayes, what makes the Shark better than a Swiffer?

  5. Sex with the lights on.... HELL NO!

  6. I love the cornstarch and water thing (add food coloring for a colorful effect)

    I usually just mix it on the floor since most of it ends up on the floor anyway.....

    After they are done with the gooey mixture I clean it up the best I can with paper towels and then I fill the sink with baby shampoo bubbles......I take my hands and dig out just the bubbles and put on the floor where the kids had been playing and let them 'skate' on bubbles. This cleans up a bigger portion of the cornstarch stuff....and then I wipe dry and swiffer to get the rest.

    Good fun.

  7. Well currently sex ANYTIME would be nice... hubby has mid terms so guess what is the LAST thing on his mind...

    How do those young college students find the time to study, party and do it in the day time?

  8. Oh man... when you said you "got a toy", I was hopeful!!! Of course that machine could have a butt plug attachment...



  9. The whole daylight thing? Yeah, that'll about do it.

    What finally motivated me was watching my younger sister do one-arm pull-ups. Her ripply little six-pack made me wanna cry. Her youngest kid was eighteen months old, to boot.

    Life's just like that sometimes.

  10. Sex? Remind me of what that is again. I'd take it under stadium lights at this point. Fat ass and all.

    Gonna check into that Sparky thing. Any excuse to get more quality time with my crackberry.

  11. I love daylight sex. Worth getting thin for.

    Oh and for the hunger? You're always allowed as many apples as you want. Makes you so fed up with apples after a bit the hunger runs away by itself.

  12. I would totally be a cougar for Lenny, if he's handing out backrubs. Especially backrubs that don't have ulterior motives, which I'm assuming his don't what with his age and all.

    Now I want one of those Shark things. I have the World's most heinous and ancient kitchen floor in our current house. It is so heinous it makes me hate my wet Swiffer, and I adore my wet Swiffer.

    Quicksand is awesome stuff. I grew up knowing it as goop. There's also a version that involves Borax that is also awesome.

    I signed up for Spark People a couple years ago. This was before I had my iPod Touch where an app would've been useful. I just did the website and I was so inundated with emails from the site that I got annoyed and unregistered. I do have the Spark Recipes app on my iPod now though - some tasty options there if I ever feel creative about cooking.

  13. I love that 3inthebed post.

    Daylight? Are you fucking kidding me? I can't even handle flattering candlelight at the moment.

  14. Shit. I just had my tonsils out and a bunch of other horrible things and laughing hurts. It was worth it though.

  15. Nice swiffer review. I love your potty mouth and drunk blogging!

  16. You got a steam mop? I have a hand held steamer and love it to bits. The steam mop would put me over the edge.

  17. Where was Lenny when I was a kid?

  18. I'm a sparkperson too! particlegirl22 I'm all peppy and shit when I'm on it.

  19. Ooh, I love my shark iron, I bet the steam mop could even make me clean my floors.

  20. I have the shark mop and love it, the fun does eventually wear off though:( but it still rocks at cleaning your floors! oh and you should totally try the shark vacuum, I LOVE it-with all these crumby ass kids I got running around here it makes cleaning up a breeze during my 30 minutes before hubby gets home dash.

  21. you are so so brave to do that cornstarch thing. i don't think i could handle it. it would be on the ceiling in my house within a minute.

  22. That was the best random shit I've ever read.

  23. I'm so slow at the cool mom thing that I never learned about the quicksand. Think my 21 and 18 year old might enjoy it?

  24. Best. Random thoughts. Ever.

  25. I will be so jealous if you lose weight and look good enough to have sex in broad daylight with curtains open.

    SO effin' jealous.

    Congrats on the near win, your post was awesome. As they all are, always.

  26. I am on Spark People too. We can be friends. Isn't that cute??

  27. Kids can be so cute. :D

    Daylight sex is awesome. I love it. :P

  28. I must know more about this steam mop...
    Damn carrot is two-timing me.

  29. Well, that is a pretty effective diet motivator you've got there.

    But if your husband were more like Lenny, he'd tell you it didn't matter.

  30. clearly I have some catching up to do. This Shark thing---is it only for wet mopping? separate from vacuum issue? I have heard about it, very curious.

    and no, what is the big deal about corn starch and water? what does it DO, exactly? hmmmm. may have to investigate.

    i have never and will never have sex unless it's in a very dark room. seriously. omg. i think i am starting to have a panic attack just considering the alternative.

  31. I adore my Shark mop too. We could double date. :)

  32. That lenny, little charmer [dying to know where his name came from] And Dildo. Please can we call her that from now on?i'm on spark people. find me bitch

  33. I hope you made that carrot your bitch. I have no prize pack to offer, but only an opinion. The winner's post was pretty awesome, but yours was better.

  34. I hope you made that carrot your bitch. I have no prize pack to offer, but only an opinion. The winner's post was pretty awesome, but yours was better.

  35. I hope you made that carrot your bitch. I have no prize pack to offer, but only an opinion. The winner's post was pretty awesome, but yours was better.

  36. Tell Lenny one of my sons has dibs. and contemplating my gut well-lit is making me want to have a date with half a carrot.

  37. p.s. had NO idea about this quicksand stuff. the boys will love, can't wait to try.

  38. I have that mop. You know what will help you loose weight. Pushing that fucking thing across the floor. It's a work out and a half, but it gets the job done all right.

    I'm looking up the recipe for quicksand tomorrow. What page of the Mommy Manual is it on? And- I lost my copy. Can I borrow yours?

  39. Sex in the daytime? No fricking way.

    We've been together for 16 years. Neither of us needs to see the sad, sad reality.

  40. When my kids were small and wanted to do creative - aka messy crafts I took an old sheet threw it on the floor, placed their play table on it and let them have at it. Mess contained... and hours of fun for them.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog and say hello to your newest follower.. me. =]

  41. I joined spark people and have been avoiding it. LOL

    I just got myself a crackberry a few weeks ago so I guess I'll see if I can't find the app your talking about and download it. Maybe that will kick my ass. :)


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