Tuesday, November 23, 2010

She's Writing A Novel And I Can't Even Come Up With A Decent Post Title.



I 'met' Ash a couple years ago now I guess?  Back when I had the old blog, and she had her old blog.

She's very smart and funny and is a good enough writer that I even read her posts about politics.  And everyone knows;  politics makes me stabby.

Anyway.  She's tits deep in NaNoWriMo (like a crack head) and asked if I would guest post on her blog.  I've been a little lazybusy lately, so I just let her pull something from the old blog.

So go on over to Ash's place and check it out.

Please ignore all the nice stuff she says in the beginning there...*shudder*.


I heard a voice in the wee hours of the morning one day last week.

Owen was in his room arranging his DVD collection.  And talking to himself about each one.

He's nuts about his DVD's.  No.  Obssessed.  We are considering an intervention.

He knew, when he saw me come out of my room, I was NOT going to be happy about his nocturnal activity.

I started signing to him (no hearing aids at night right?);

"Put DVD away.  Now.  Not play time.  Sleep time.  Late. Dark outside..."

He cuts me off, yelling at me and defiantly slapping his hands over his eyes;

"I.  Don't.  Want. To.  HEAR It!"


Sunday morning.  Bea has had her bath and is playing in the playroom.  Owen is IN the bathtub.

Owen: "Bea!"

Bea: "Yeah?"

Me:  "Bea. He's in the tub.  No hearing aids.  He can't hear you.  Go see what he wants."

Bea:  playplayplay.

Owen:  "BEA!!"

Bea:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "Really Sweetie.  He can't hear you. Would you just go and see what he wants?"

Bea:  playplayplayplayplay

Owen:  "BEA!!  Please come here!  I need to tell you something!!"

Bea:  playplayplayplayplayplay

Me:  "Bea.  Go see what your brother wants.  It is not nice to ignore him like this."

Bea goes into bathroom and waits for her message from Owen.

Owen:  "I just want to tell you something."

Bea:  "Oh-kay!!"

Owen:  "I just wanting to tell you to leave me alone when I take a bath all right?"


Epic failure of a morning;

Owen snarky and snapping at everyone for no obvious reason.

He plays with 'Pick Up Sticks' for 5 seconds and starts putting them away.  Bea asks if she can use them;

"I don't. Want. To. Share!"

I calmly tell him to go to his room for not being nice.  He calmly trudges upstairs and once he gets to his room lets loose;

"I'm! Screaming! My! Head!! Off!!!!!

No shit kid.  We're not Deaf down here. We can hear you.



In bed Friday night.  Al telling me that he needs to call his folks who Winter in Florida and won't be home until just before Christmas.

"Yeah.  I have to wish them a Happy Anniversary."

"Yeah.  You totally should."

"Yeah, I guess it was their 50th or some shit?"

"What?  Whatthefuck??  Their 50th and nobody did anything special?  We're the biggest ass holes ever.  What the fuck!!?  Please tell me somebody is planning something special.  I'd be so pissed if I were them.  That's a big fucking deal, 50 years with the same fucking person.  At least a nice dinner or something. That's it. We're planning a surprise something for when they get home for Christmas. Ass holes.  We're such ass holes."


We totally deserve a card like this from them;


I forget how I stumbled on this Etsy seller.  If funny/wrong/crude tickles your fancy, you'll love this chick.

I so wish I had someone to send this one to;

And for all of you, this;

Happy Thanksgiving All.  Eat til you shit your pants.


See Keely at UnMom for more random.


  1. You always know how to start my day out with a smile.

  2. If you like those cards, check this one out:


    I so wish I had the balls to send that one.

  3. I am so in love with your words, I can't even tell you.

    Happy Thanksgiving, from this peckerhead over here.

  4. Married 50 years to the same person definitely deserves a prize. I'm throwing myself a party if I am married 50 years collectively.

    I hope the only shit you have to clean up this Thanksgiving is your own.

  5. LOL! I love your random.

    I know this is a sucky comment but its all I got.


  6. Ha! Loving the turkey-grams. I think I will print one out and bring it to Thanksgiving.

  7. I think Bad Words are the best kind of words. And you got it good. The tub scene is SO shit that would go down in our house. Peckerheads. Snort.

    I've been shitting my pants for a while so here's hoping the STD I caught from the Queen eases up so that I can enjoy some pumpkin pie.

  8. Your kids always make me laugh. I want to send that Turkey now.

    My in laws were totally going to shit the bed on my SILs 40th last year. I ended up throwing her a party. Little o was born the next god damn day. Who's dumb ass idea was that???

  9. I need to add, though, she rocks. She totally calls little o "the best birthday present ever".

  10. "I just wanting to tell you to leave me alone when I take a bath all right?"

    Made me laugh pretty hard! Love that one!

  11. Your kids crack me the fuck up.

    I'd give big bucks for mine and yours to get spend some quality time. That would be a pack of precotious little turds right there. : )

    You and your family have a lovely Holiday. I will be stuffing myself with Xanax and turkey. Or stuffing the turkey with Xanax, not sure which will do the most good overall.

  12. So Owen gets to do the lalalalalaIcanthearyou move while covering his eyes. Sweet.

    You have to send the skull-fucking card to someone. It's got an elephant and everything. Someone must have skull-fucked your heart somewhere along the line. That's what she (my therapist) said.

  13. Hey, newbie blogger here *hand up*... just stumbled upon your blog....I LOVE IT!
    Most entertaining one I've read so far!
    Have a great day :-)

  14. gotta love kids and the things they say.

  15. Owen covering his eyes cause he DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT cracked me right the fuck up


  16. Oh my freaking GAWD Owen is funny. Covering his eyes, HA! I'm in love with the Turkey day card and totally sending it to someone.

  17. Oh, I needed these little tidbits to get me through the making of the horrible dinner that I am attempting. So my dinner will suck, but my soul is laughing thanks to your blog...

    Thanks for giving me that!

  18. Always comes down to you hoping smeone will poop their pants so you can offer to change their diaper...

    On my way for your guest post.

    I love being lazy, too. Just comes so easily to me, like I was made for it...

    Love your random stuff and Owen covering his eyes to not hear it...is wonderful.

  19. I don't want to hear it!

    Love that!

    And those cards, which are so freaking clever I think I'm going to get in fights with my friends so I'll have reasons to send them!

  20. The cards disturb me a tad.

    I love the story about Owen covering his eyes because he "doesn't want to hear it." I used to stay up late reading books--I didn't want to hear it either.

  21. Owen has SPUNK! I love kids with spunk. And I don't eat so much that I poop my pants, but my husband has. And he doesn't even have Thanksgiving to blame.

  22. love the playplayplayplay- part cute- all of it is cute-
    Have a great Tday!

  23. loved I don't want to hear it.

    off to read your guest post...

    Happy, happy Thanksgiving my friend.

  24. have you ever checked out bluntcard.com? those are pretty fun, too. these definitely take the cake, though.

    i have actual tears running down my face from this post. so fucking funny!


  25. I love Ash. Heading over.

    Also, you can fully count on me eating. Maybe not until I shit. But at least until I go up two pant sizes.

    Have fabulous holiday!

  26. Those cards are awesome. I bet I could find something special for my mother-in-law in that Etsy shop...

    My son showily turns off his hearing aids whenever I say something he doesn't like. Rotten boy.

  27. Yep. You better do something for the big 50. If we make it 50 years, I'll be expecting something....

    And I've been reading Ash since her old blog too. She and I have quite different views politically, but she's smart and well read and nice about differences of opinion.

  28. Etsy virgin...that's right. They sell stuff with swearing? I thought it was just cutesy shit. now I am so interested!

    and I love Owen. He is awesome.

  29. found you thru Ash and gotta say Thanks for making my day... my knee still hurts from tripping, then falling ungracefully, on the curb at the mall while laden with packages while my daughters laughed their butts off, gee feel the love, and my sons both still have the use of only their left hands- one had his right hand crushed by a steroidal 11 year old playing football 3 weeks ago and the other put his thru his bedroom window during a hormonal temper tantrum this week... and the pizza for dinner dripped cheese all over the oven and smoked up the house so much people will think our house burned down when they get a whiff of their clothes at school on Monday but hey! it's all good cuz those friggin notes you posted are great!
    I'll be back as soon as I get another moment of peace... hopefully before the new year.

  30. Met you via Ash. Adore you. Is that weird?

    Also, going to attempt to incorporate the phrase "skull fuck" into daily conversations.

  31. I've been gone for a while and yours is the blog I missed the most. I totally missed owen stories.

  32. bea: playplayplayplay that's the best!! I think Owen and Bea so need to hang out w/ my kids. They can all drive each other batty and we'll drink some good wine. It's a win- win.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog -- I was totally geeked (yeah, I said geeked)to see you there!!

  33. OK, so it's been forever and I confess to never updating your feed when you changed sites and I SUCK. Plus, I barely comment these days, but got one that made me laugh out loud so I came to investigate and low and behold it was you. HI! And, now I'm finally going to update your damn feed. Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

  34. Thanks for digging my cards, creepy! And man your son is totally fucking hysterical. Natural born comedian. Good job!


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