Tuesday, June 19, 2012

learning things.


Even if one is not a fan of advice, the giving or receiving, some things are too important not to pass on to an expectant first time mother:

When you see a giant chalk penis drawn on the playground parking lot?

Before taking a picture of it (as if you wouldn't take a picture of it), do a quick scan of your surroundings to be sure that your five year old's preschool friend isn't standing behind you. 

With her grandmother.

The blooming of tiger lilies is a highly anticipated event.

And one cannot resist allowing excited five year old to pick "Just one please!!??"

Much squeaking and squealing as sweet girl carefully selects the perfect specimen, gazes lovingly at it as she brings it to her nose, and bursts into tears as her prize;

"Doesn't smell like tiger!!!!"


One should be able to allow a nine year old to get himself dressed.

One might want to appraise child's outfit before letting him out the door.

On picture day.

He might be placed in the front row.

With his pants noticeably on backwards.


Fancy FM system for Deaf child will allow him to hear the wearer anywhere the wearer goes.

The wearer may want to turn device off while going to the bathroom;

"Yup.  Mommy going potty.  I hear her.  Mom!!  You fart??!!"


Five years old has a wicked imagination. 

Sticks and mud become culinary delights;

"Horse poop and tittlers" is pretend delicious. 

Coining phrases is endless fun;

"Tight as a squirrel's butt!" 

It is not always necessary to ask for explanation.

"Rufies" is the best name for an imaginary puppy.
And making up words will never get old;

"Mom!  I made up a new word!  You want to hear it?"

"Of course!"




  1. I want to come live at your house for like a week. That's all my bladder will be able to take. As I will be peeing myself with laughter.

  2. I want to see the look on that grandma's face when Bea is shouting "Fukkah!" At her dog Rufies. As he runs over the chalk penis. That you are photographing.

    Life is awesome sometimes.

  3. And she knows what tigers smell like because....?

  4. I was laughing the whole way through, but I damn near woke my kids when I got to the "tight as a squirrel's butt" part.. **wipes tear away**

  5. Oh, mommy made up the very same word, honey.

    I love you, tulpen.

  6. I can't even pick out my favorite story here because they are all so stinking funny! Ahhh, I needed that laugh today!

  7. Is this and excerpt from "What to expect when you're expecting"?

  8. You and yours never fail to entertain.
    Thank you for that!

  9. I'd like to add one I learned today. don't reprimand your son while he is peeing. When fit pitching ensues, you will have urine in more places than you care to clean up.

  10. I remember telling my min that I wanted to call my vajina a feline from now on when I was around 8. I'd seen a shirt with two cats on it and had recently learned that word so thought it would be a good code.
    I couldn't figure our why my mom said no

  11. I keep coming back to read this and I burst out laughing every time. Fukkah!!! Love you Tulpen, ya potty-farting bitch

  12. OMG! I lold. Love it. I had a student with an FM device and that was one of the first warnings we were given...turn it off before you go to the bathroom. :)

  13. How did I miss this the other day?

    Priceless, hilarious shit.


  14. HAHAHAHAH!!! i can't even pick a favorite! i am laughing with you AND at you! lol!!!

  15. Hilarious! And, like always, I love how you get to a point. Kids are kids. And unless one is being a royal asshole that needs a good old fashioned spankin, they don't deserved to be "talked down to." Asshole.


Use Your Words.