Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Bad Words Movie Review: The Avengers

Al took Owen to see it as soon as it came out.  I got stuck home with a sick Bea.

I was displeased.

Luckily, the weather has been total shit for the past week (really, I wish I had a dick so I could tell the fucking weather to Suck It) and lacking anything better to do, dragged the kids to see it this past weekend.

I was very pleased.

Under Owen's influence, I've become quite the Super Hero movie aficionado.

I dig cool effects, evil dudes, and the good guy always winning.

The Avengers of course delivers on all these counts.

But it also delivers something of far greater importance.


So. Much. Hotness.


The Chippendale physique usually doesn't do it for me.


                                    I'd like two tickets to the gun show please.

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                                             Ack that's a sweet face, no?

Oh, and he's loyal and brave and honorable and all that crap too.


Thor's evil sort of  brother.

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I wanted to think he was hot. I really did.  So I googled him a bit and found the actor to be on the effeminate side. 

So I googled more to see if  he's gay.  I was so hoping he was.

Cause I can't find an effeminate straight guy hot. 

Sorry Loki.

Steve Rogers/Captain America:

Here's one for the gays:

                                                       Isn't he pretty?
Maybe too pretty.


                                          You're welcome ladies and gays.

I did appreciate the gratuitous ass shots.

And his 1940's aww shucks innocence is fucking adorable.

Black Widow:

Speaking of gratuitous ass shots.


I must say I felt robbed in the boob department.  Girlfriend's got fabulous tits.

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                                   Those things just scream 'motorboat' don't they?

Those puppies didn't get any screen time all covered up and squished into that tight black jumpsuit as they were.

If I were Scar Jo's boobs I'd totally fire my agent.

Tony Stark/Iron Man:

                                        I've got nothing to add to this hotness.

I loved that he wore that Black Sabbath shirt throughout the entire movie.

I would have loved it more if I got to see him sans shirt.

He's arguably the hottest man on the planet right?


Bruce Banner/The Hulk

                            The frumpy wrinkled suit is now a huge turn on for me.

The unassuming, soft spoken, scruffy faced, scientist geek turned giant green smashing machine stole the hotness show for me.


He got naked.

Naked is my favorite.

I couldn't find a naked pic.

                 Fully clothed and fuckhawt. 

Fucking Hawkeye;

                                                     He ain't got no alibi.

He's not here for his hotness.  'Cause he's not hot.

In case you haven't heard, some hearing impaired kid complained that there were no super heroes who wore hearing aids, so Marvel created 'Blue Ear' ; a super hero who wears blue hearing aids.

Why does this annoy the shit out of me?

Because this character Hawkeye is mostly deaf.  Which is why his eyesight is so keen giving him crazy good archery skills.  This detail is never mentioned in the movie. In fact, fucking Hawkeye appears to hear just fine.

Seriously though. Shooting arrows at 747 sized flying alien ship thingies?  REALLY?


Must. Cleanse. Palate.

                                                          Sandwich anyone?


  1. I'm with you on the Ruffalo/Downey Jr. but the rest -- meh. I'm particularly NOT attracted to the blonde guy Thor -- too buff and too stupid.

  2. This movie made me want to have superhero sex. Too bad a saw it with someone who was so far removed from superhero hot that I didn't want to look sideways when the film was over. Uggg...

    Anywho hotness, I did LURVE this movie. Hard. All night. With the lights on...

  3. I just made Captain America's ass my screensaver. John's going to get quite the surprise when he tries to update my iPad. :-)

  4. I haven't seen the other "Avengers" movies (Iron Man 1 or 2, Captain America, Thor)... these aren't my usual type of movies. Figured I'd skip this one, too... however, I am now thinking twice about this decision!

  5. Also? Pretty sure you could bounce a quarter off Capt. America's ass.
    {fans self}

  6. i will see ANYTHING with THOR in it, even this dopey action movie. i got three GIGANTIC belly laughs while watching this movie, and i got to stare at THOR, so it was a win/win. :)

  7. Uh, Chris Hemsworth (Thor) makes my eyeballs melt he's so hot. Damn.

  8. The eye candy alone was worth the $9 a ticket.

    PS: So THAT's who Hawk was supposed to be. We thought he was Green Arrow wearing the wrong color.

  9. I kinda wish I had Scar Jo's boobs. Actually, I just wish I had boobs.

  10. My Old Man and i also commented on ScarJo's lack of cleavage--cause girlfriend has some cans, amiwrong?

    and i can look at Robert Downey Junior ALL DAMN DAY.

    that is all

  11. Robert Downey Jr. is my ultimate.

    I dated a guy 20 years ago who looked like him.
    And that's all I have to say about that.

    p.s. I say suck it even though I don't have a dick. Crap.

  12. Good, I hated Hawkeye as well -- and I had no idea that there was something up with his hearing. In fact, I had to Google the movie just to get the name of the character, after I saw it, because I'm not very observant (hey, Scar Jo and Robert Downey, Jr were on stage, do you blame me?)

    I felt it was a great movie, with a truly unnecessary character in the dude who shot impossible arrows.

  13. Oh, Tulpen: dang woman you make me LAUGH OUT LOUD.


  14. Oh my, I am sorts of tingly now. Thank you for that. And yes please, let me be the cream in that beautiful oreo cookie of men!

  15. i agree to all of the above. we went to the movies on our 'date day' to see it and I swear I enjoyed it for exactly those same reasons, which are kinda different than those my husband went to see it. (movies too loud and superscary for my son, maybe when it's out on dvd.. "yes, okeeeh, mommy will watch it again with you!" =)

  16. So very much of the attractiveness. So very much.

  17. Seriously someone should be paying you for this totally awesome movie review! Cause truthfully the level of hotness is the main reason all of us moms agree to take the little ones to see it!

  18. I LOVE this post! I went to see this movie without husband or child, good thing because I didn't realize I'd be drooling over superheroes the whole time - haha! Thor and The Hulk did it for me, big time. Hotness to the left, hotness to the right and I actually liked the movie. Best day ever. Please review more movies :)

  19. Mark Ruffalo is way hotter than Robert Downey Jr., if you ask me. (I'm fully aware that you didn't, BTW.)


Use Your Words.