Thursday, December 8, 2011

3:13am Is The New 6:13am. Or The Other Way Around. I Don't Fucking Know. I'm Tired.

I get by on no more than six hours of sleep a night. I'm rarely asleep before midnight and always awake by 6am. Ish.

And I get up at least once to pee.  

It's not that I don't like to sleep. I fucking love it.  My life just isn't conducive to a whole lot of it.

When I hear the kids at 6ish, and I begin the task of dragging my carcass out of its cocoon, my first thought it always;

I can't wait to crawl back into this cozy warm quiet awesomeness.

So. Last night I hear Bea call out;


I don't fish around the darkness for my glasses.  I squint hard enough to squish my eyeballs enough to decipher 3:13 on the clock radio.  I'm pissed.

Stormage down the hall to find out what emergency has Bea wailing for help at 3 fucking thirteen AM.

Her big toe that had peeped out of the blanket needed covering up.  And?

*whining* "I'm not tired.  I can't sleeeeeep."

"Well. You're going to.  It's the middle of the night. Everyone's asleep.  See you in the morning."

Quick glance to make sure Owen is still unconscious.  His bed is empty.


Stompage down stairs in search of Owen, whom I scare the bejeezus out of as his face is glued to the computer in the playroom, and sans hearing aids, he doesn't know I'm about to burst in signing angrily;

*Not morning!  Look! Outside dark. Mommy, Daddy, Bea all sleeping. Need go bed.  Now!*

Follow his grumping ass back upstairs and see him tucked back in bed.

*whining* "I not tired."

*Mommy very tired.  Mommy need more sleep.  You try sleep more.  See you later.*

Stompage back to my room.  Resist slammage of door. Collapse into warm cocoon.

"What the fuck was that all about?"

"Little shits are awake.  Bea needing blankets adjusted and Owen on the fucking computer.  At THREE in the fucking morning!  Fuckers!!"

"What are you talking about?  It's almost six thirty."

 "Fuck. Me."


"Not like that!!!  Gawd!! Fuuuuuuuuuuuck."


  1. Ahahahahahaaaaa this is the best story ever !

    What is it with kids this age and getting up at the ass crack of dawn? Bring on the tween years, they sleep in.

  2. My kids love the early wake-up. I am not a fan :(

  3. Oh god help me...that was so funny! And why can't they cover their own toes back up??? GAWD!

  4. Too funny.

    Though my hubs would have done the same thing, thinking he was being pretty funny with his groping hands.

  5. Too funny. I could picture it all.

    My kids ruined me for sleeping in. First them, then going back to grad school while they were little and (not even fucking kidding here) I would get up at 3:30 AM to do my grad work for three hours before the house exploded with business.

    Now, I think I slept late on the weekends if I make it to 7.

  6. Seriously? That's just too much. Including what The Husband wanted.

  7. Can picture it all of course, especially since Owen and I have shared many early wake ups sans hearing aids.

    I love getting up early - am with Pseudo. Sleeping in is 7.

    I ditched the 5:00 am walk this morning because I think I finally have succumbed to Bea's cold from T-day weekend.


  8. I love your house.

    I also love how you tell us EXACTLY what words you say to Owen.

    LOVE that.

  9. LOL. I'm one of those bad moms who invite the kid in to bed just to go back to sleep. Is that really bad? I guess that damage is done now that she's 12..... Thankfully she sleeps til 7 and that is a good time for me. I'm a 12-7 sleeper.
    You are too funny and need a bigger faced clock!

  10. LOL!!! I would've been pissed too! Then again, if it was 6:13am, I still would've sent the kids back to bed. We have a rule right now that Delia has to stay in bed until it is light outside. I am hoping that Delia can tell time by summer, so I can change the rule.

  11. Men. Always looking for an in.
    Love it!

  12. so -- did it work? whenever mine wake just before the crack of dawn, I lie and tell them it's 2 am, so they'll go back to sleep. then i stay awake and make a cup of coffee.

  13. Oh I can completely relate to the stompage. And the slammage.

    Happens here all the time.
    But the gropage?

    That's so not happening. Not at 3:15 or 6:15. That's sacred time for sleep. Not suckage.

    So to speak.

  14. "Not Suckage" How I love Julie.

    And yes, OMG YES..I've lived ALMOST an identical life for the past month.

    What is it with these children? (Also, I wouldn't mind a little gropeage.)

  15. I was going to say wasn't "fucking you" what, really, got you into this mess in the first place?

    My kids do not sleep through the night . . . so they move to our bed in the middle of the night. It's not uncommon, around 3:13 in the morning, for me to wake up, getting kicked in the face.

    But, well, in all fairness to your husband - if you said "fuck me" in the middle of the night - well, groping would ensue . . . at least, I think it would . . . the "who the fuck are you?" might be asked first, immediately before the groping started.

  16. All of this is still better than getting the scream of help and puke at 3 in the morning....but yeah I'm so with you on wanting sleep so bad you can taste it and having it ripped away from you.

    Here's to hoping you get some more ZZZZ's tonight!

  17. Bahahahaha! Pure gold :D
    Thankyou, I needed a good laugh :)

  18. Why the groping.
    Sleep IS so much more important.

  19. This has totally happened in my house. I fucking sucks.

  20. So. Fuckin. Funny.

    especially the gropegropegrope

    I've missed you


  21. This is hilarious! Made me laugh! I love your blog. I seriously got stuck for HOURS reading it ALL! Lol!

  22. the slightest (obviously unintentional) provocation and you get the gropage. what is that? anyway, the crack of dawn in winter is still dark so you're excused. get back in bed.

  23. OMG -can't stop laughing. Not at the early wake up, but the fucks and the groping and the telling of the story and... oh how I just know most of us can relate!

  24. Ahhh...the early morning, leave me the fuck alone I want to sleep groping...My husband is so pro at that he does it in his sleep...literally. It pisses me off to no end. *sigh* I feel your pain.

  25. I feel your pain. Except my little wake me ups come from my cat who wants out, or food, or a shower (I. Am. Not. Kidding.) at 3am. I get up at 430 as it is, I do not need this. And you can't reason with a cat. Although, it doesn't sound like reasoning with your kids is helping a lot either!

    Thank goodness Secret Agent Man is usually unconscious at this hour so I get no groping. 'Cause he totally would.


  26. Note to self: do not swear at kids unless wearing glasses. That's funny shit, though.

  27. Those little computer sneaks. That's why we put on computer passwords.

  28. I swear to God I got the 3:30 grope this AM.

    (I caved).

  29. Ugh! Kids spent their whole lives trying to get out of sleeping/napping while adults desperately want just a few more minutes of precious shut-eye. (I've long given up on the idea of MY napping at this point. Please.) Can't mommy have 30 goddamn more minutes of sleep?

  30. Hilarious. My kids are 12 & 9 and they still don't sleep through the night. And the nights they do I have to wake up at least once to pee. Sleeping in? Little fuckers don't know what it means. 7am is a dream for me. I would love just one long ass straight-through night of sleep.

  31. My son is the only morning person in our house. Ugh. I feel your pain!

  32. Glad to have discovered your blog this morning--you are so fucking real it's not funny! What the fuck am I talking about? Of course it is! Fucking funny. ;-)

  33. i'm just thankful i'm not the only parents who, when asked at ungodly hours of the morning why you're up, responds with curse words and appropriate use of the phrase "little shits." you are proof that you can be an amazing parent and still understand that your kids can be total shits.

  34. oh and p.s. definitely had the unwelcome early morning grope from the husband. NOT what i wanted, thanks though.

  35. That was TOO funny. Loved it!

  36. merry christmas. what happened to your header? hmmm. lemme know if you need help with that, it looks a bit off. hope you and your gang have a lovely day tomorrow!

  37. Thank you for making my day and bringing back memories of when our kids were little. Hubby laughed as hard I did and did the same kind of groping. Our kids survived our parenting and are doing the same kind of parenting. Love your blogs. :)


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