Thursday, June 16, 2011

Frankly My Dear, I Don't Give A Puck.

Am not a sports fan. Not even a little.

Al is. Avid like.

So when one of our teams makes it to some big season's grand finale;
World Series, World Championship, Stupid Bowl, or Stanley Cup, I know that resistance is futile; I will listen to details and stats incessantly.

Well. Listen is a stretch.

Last night there was a game on the tv and I was in the room with said tv. Reading my book.

Glancing at the screen to the sound of a Canadian accent to see if owner of accent is good looking, Al mistakes this as actual interest.

"Blah blah blah, penalties, blah, finger biting, blah blah, broke his back, blah. blah. blah."

"Oh. I was just checking to see if he was hot. The hot guy broke his back? That sucks. I hope his face is ok."

"You're unbelievable."

Offer up silent thanks to the Universe for Owen being too much of a pussy to ever want to play such a violent sport.

More book. I bet Jamie Fraser would clean the fucking ice with any of these guys.

"Remember how pissed you were when I suggested that Tom Brady play football in assless chaps?"

Am nearly launched off the bed as Al leaps up and starts punching mattress whilst whooping and squealing in delight.


"They just scored a goal!" With the jumping and pumping of the fists.

"Look at you. Really?"

Grab laptop and commence dicking around.


"I know!! They scored another one! They could win this fucking thing!"

"No. Not that. I wanna see this movie!"

"It's the kid from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, and Spiderwick! I love that kid! He's all grown up and trying to bang Julia Robert's niece! Look!"

"Yeah. As soon as I grow a vagina I'll go see it with you."

Offer up silent plea to Universe to deliver me gay best friend.

Contemplate writing to friends in Vancouver who are parents of eight year old ultimate hockey fan;

Hey Skipper! You know if I cared any less about this hockey shit I'd be dead right? But if I gave even the smallest poop? Which I don't. Not even the teeniest little crumb, I'd want Canada to win. Don't tell Al.

Al insisting game is quite exciting, so spend minute or so watching.


"What now?"

"Listening to the announcer guys? You can make just about everything they say sound dirty;

'Butt ending'?  That's not gay at all.

'Dead puck'?  Didn't sound like 'Dead fuck' in my head. Nope.

'Double minor' ? Jailbait twins! Yay threesome!

'Poke check'?  Yeah. I checked. I got poked.

'Three on one'?  In your dreams babe."

"That's enough outta you. Aren't you going babysitting?"

Text from friend;

"Come down at eleven. No way I'm not gonna see them win this game!"

Hand Al tissue with which to wipe tears of joy from his cheeks as his team has emerged victorious;

"I'll never get it.  Win or lose, those guys are still making millions and fucking supermodels.  Win or lose you're still a working stiff barely making ends meet and not fucking anything resembling a supermodel. See ya later."

Wash up, don jammies, grab book and head to friend's house.

"Did you watch?  Wasn't that awesome!!??"


Cuddle up on couch and join Jamie in the wilds of 18th century America. And just for fun,  dress him in a hockey jersey and assless chaps.


  1. OMG I wanna fuck Jamie Fraser raw.

    I love those damn books!

    My brother gets that way about sports, but he's enough of a tool to be emotionally devestated and super grouchy if "his" team loses.

    (Missed you lady)

  2. Ahhhh.... that looks great.
    I've already grown my vagina - I'll go with you. lol

  3. Only you, my friend. Assless chaps for hockey.

    More importantly, you babysit at 11pm? That's some hardcore shit right there.

  4. Yeah... I'd rather read about Jamie Fraser than watch hockey ANY day of the week. I feel like the only person in the Boston area who didn't watch the game last night.

    I watched "Dr. Who" on Netflix instant. Infinitely more entertaining.

  5. I know--my husband is a crazy baseball fiend. Stats blah blah blah players blah blah blah more stupid stats blah. The only respite i get is that during baseball season he won't get on twitter because he watches the games on delay and doesn't want them SPOILED. freak.

  6. I am very into play off hockey- I wanted Vancouver to win- so sad- I yelled so loud that my boys came running in thinking I had seen another cockroach (which would have damn well been impossible because after seeing one the night before I called the exterminator and told him to poison my house and the surrounding area.

  7. outlander series, huh? On my to read/dream aboot list.
    Get it? Aboot? Tie into hockey? No?

  8. In the 2001 World Series, the Yankees had back-to-back "bottom of the 9th" wins. As the ball traveled over the fence for the second home run, I pounded on the ceiling in the basement of my townhouse. The sound reverberated up two floors to the bedroom, where my then-girlfriend, thought the house was about to collapse.

    For the most part, I'm able to reign-in the sport fanaticism. I certainly do enjoy my teams, but it's only when the truly exceptional happens, at a truly exceptional time, that I go crazy.

    But, even I know that assless chaps would make Mr Brady a better quarterback.

  9. I think I've said it before, but I love you. In the decent, not weirdo way --

    Charlie Bucket is good, and that movie looks great -- thanks for the heads-up. And thanks for the humor this morning -- I so desperately needed it.

  10. I would totally watch sports if you were in the same room with me, you make it so much more entertaining!

  11. Because the kilt isn't good enough for you?

  12. Wow. We should totally get together. I "watch" sports with my husband in the exact same way, except my comments tend to be more scathing and derisive of the commentators.

  13. i don't get sports either! but i don't mind looking at the line of football players -- particularly their arms and their backsides!

  14. I watch sports for the same reasons you do.

  15. God, I dread football season. We live in Pittsburgh and football is a religion here. I hate it.

    You know why I'm grateful for my son's shunt? Yeah, yeah - it's saved his life, whatever. But you know what's REALLY awesome? HE CAN'T PLAY FOOTBALL.

  16. OMG you're funny. I know, I write that all the time but, OMG you're funny!
    Favourite bits: "Blah blah blah, penalties, blah, finger biting, blah blah, broke his back, blah. blah. blah."

    Offer up silent thanks to the Universe for Owen being too much of a pussy to ever want to play such a violent sport.

    But THIS, this slayed me: Hey Skipper! You know if I cared any less about this hockey shit I'd be dead right? But if I gave even the smallest poop? Which I don't. Not even the teeniest little crumb, I'd want Canada to win. Don't tell Al.

    Canadian hockey players are almost always hot, if you don't mind no front teeth, pimples and B.O.
    I can say, that, eh?

  17. I'll go to the movie with ya. I love that kid, too.

  18. My fav hockey announcer quote: "He couldn't get it up" (I assume they mean the puck into an upper corner of the net, but SERIOUSLY?).

    I care not one tiny whit about hockey, or any sport for that matter. But my new boss is from Vancouver and mad passionate about the Canucks. It was not a happy place in my office today. At least your hubby will be in a good mood. Now's probably a good time to ask for shit, take advantage of that euphoria. :)

  19. Okay, have patience with me - what am I missing - Jamie Fraser??? Who, what? And with the reactions I'm reading, how do I get some?

  20. ... okay, I clicked and read about Jamie Fraser... ohhhhkay. Just might have to check that out. :)

  21. I absolutely LOATHE sports...don't get it, never will. And where I live people are rabid over the college football team, even if they didn't attend that college, which seems even more ridiculous.

    Give me a good book any day.

  22. I so feel your pain.

    I thought when I married an English guy obsessed with soccer and moved him to the Deep South, it would be impossible for him to have access to his favorite sports. Instead, he added college and professional football, basketball and baseball, as well as bullriding (?!?!) to favorite sports before subscribing to Fox Sports Channel which shows everything from English soccer to gerbils having a staring contest.

    I have learned to rate sports according to the following scale:

    Soccer: Guys are almost universally hot and wear shorts (ALMOST: Wayne Rooney looks like he's been beaten by a door)

    Basketball: I can tell who is who, guys are hot and games tend to be over kinda fast.

    Baseball: Most guys look good in baseball pants and sometimes they fight. (Downside: every games lasts about five days)

    Hockey: Can't see who anyone is, but they do fight a lot.

    Football: I can't tell if they're fighting or not with all that shit on, and this game is more unnecessarily complicated than the manual to my off-brand Korean laptop.

  23. I hate sports too. Who's Jamie Fraser- at first I was scared you meant Jamie Oliver. Off to click link.

  24. You are a bigger geek than me- he's a character in a book??? Is he cuter in your mind than that Mraz dude you dig?

  25. I don't mind when his teams are doing well, but when things go bad, my 6 year old learns to curse, remote controls get thrown (seriously -- two broken last year) and he pouts and shuts the TV off and generally acts like a bratty kid. It's beyond ridiculous. Frigging NFL Sunday ticket...

  26. I love hockey. I can't help it. Even though I love it, my husband still hates watching with me because I say dumb shit. The guys are mostly either very polite Canadians or shit hot Scandinavians. Can't help myself.

  27. "Cuddle up on couch and join Jamie in the wilds of 18th century America. And just for fun, dress him in a hockey jersey and assless chaps."

    LOL love it... :) And I'm a fan of hockey and most other sports. Except golf. Can't watch that - boring as shit.

  28. I freaking love hockey and I'm guessing Al is a Bruins fan and I was also yelling and screaming whenever
    they scored.

    Also, that finger biting thing was bullshit.

    Wait - did I just grow a penis?

  29. I'm so looking for dirty words in all sports lingo for now on.

    Thanks for helping me survive two weeks with my baseball-mad parents in Colorado.

  30. You're talking to a woman who's husband has watched Nascar, drag racing and now f*cking golf. All I want is to get to the TIVO to watch Top Chef and Housewives of everywhere. Now they are on the 18th hole and he's trying to convince me we should go for a romp. Snort, right.

  31. When I met my hubs, we both worked at a restaurant where everyone dressed in costume. He was the cowboy and , yes, he had assless chaps.

    Ah. Those were the days.

    If he still had them, I might watch football with him.

  32. I will forever picture Jamie in a jersey and assless chaps whenever I read those books.

  33. You're freaking hilarious! I was laughing my ass off!! I love the commentary. I will never be forced to watch sports the same way again! Although it's great because Hubby No 2 HATES sports as much as I do. So that leaves us watching our kids play them. And I spend 10 seconds screaming YAY CHASE THE BALL! And the other 50 thinking SQUIRREL!! Lol

  34. I have a gay best friend! Only he has a boyfriend now and doesn't have time to rescue me from my husband's soccer freak outs. Screw gay friends' boyfriends.

    Oh, and that movie looks AWESOME. I love it when guys throw girls against the wall and kiss them!!

  35. Jamie is ass-less chaps. I may neve be the same again. And the hockey talk made me choke on my grape. AND Jamie could totally take any of those guys. You know there is a website where you can hear 'him' talk, right?


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