Tuesday, June 21, 2011

First Time Remembered

*******

I was a late bloomer. Most people experience this rite of passage well before their 28th birthday.

Not me.

I'm not quite sure how I'd avoided it for so long. I was a normal, healthy, active girl.

Al would shake his head in exasperation whenever the time seemed near and I'd perform my much practiced technique to ensure it did NOT happen to me;

Scream. Flail. Run.

In that order. Worked every time.

Ever patient that Al;

"Just calm down. Relax. Don't freak out. Nothing bad will happen."

"Says you. It has happened to you countless times with your method. I'm gonna stick to scream, flail, and run thank you very much."

We'd been together three years when the day finally came. A beautiful late Spring day on the old dairy farm. Digging and weeding and mowing and planting and just loving up our little patch of earth as best we could.

I love me the sight and smell of a hard working man. Covered in dirt and smelling of fresh cut grass and sweat. I'd had enough of admiring Al from across the field and started making my way toward him.

Long grass tickling my bare feet and legs. The wind tossing around sounds of birds and bugs and rushing water.  It was quite the romantic little scene as I skulked on over to my man.

And then it happened. It. Happened.

Before I could execute my patentend scream, flail, run, maneuver it was already happening.

I'd heard many a tale about how badly it can hurt, but I was unprepared for the sensation;

"Motherfucker! Motherfucker. Mother! Fucker!!!"

Dramatically grasping the insulted body part whilst hopping about shrieking obscenities.

As Al rolled around the grass in full hysterics at my display.

"I knew it would hurt but holy old fuck, I didn't expect it to hurt THAT much! FuckFuckFuckFuck!!!"

Still jumping and flailing and crying as much with laughter as with pain.

I dared take a gander at the affected area, still in agony;

And plucked the bumble bee out of the tip of my toe.

And that my friends, is the tale of the first time I got stung by a bee after 28 years of...not being stung by any bees.

*******



I still check the Red Dress Club prompts every week. 

This week was a fill in the blank:

The first time I ________-ed after _________-ing.

This was the first time that popped into my head.

And? A big fuck you to whoever told me that bumble bees don't sting.

And?  A bigger fuck you to the yellow jacked hive I stepped on just days after the bumble bee incident.  I couldn't count how many times I got stung.

43 comments:

  1. It's official. I have a dirty mind. And thanks for letting me know that bumblebees can sting.

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  2. Haha I enjoyed this! Great writing! And I always end up cursing too.

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  3. Excellent double entendre!

    It's not the size of the stinger etc. etc...

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  4. Hilarious. And you know what? Right after you wrote that you'd been stung by a bumblebee, I thought "bumblebees don't sting!" -- and then, of course, was chastised rightly.

    You're funny.

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  5. Yellow jackets are vicious and they can sting and sting and sting without dying. I think they're just vindictive. A couple of years ago my son was running a cross country course that unfortunately passed right by a yellow jacket hive and the bees were not happy. About half the runners got stung so when the girls ran the next race they had to change the course. My son was stung about eleven times.

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  6. 28? Damn you were a stinger tease!

    I wonder how many little bees and such thought they'd be getting their stingers into you, only to have you shut em down at the last minute.

    Blue Stingers abound!

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  7. My daughter was stung by a wasp for the first time at her BIRTHDAY PARTY. What an injustice, right?!

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  8. Oh, brilliantly done. Absolutely brilliant. I knew there was a twist coming, there had to be . . . but you still caught me.

    Does it make me a victim if I tell you my first time was when I was 8, at my aunt's pool?

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  9. HAHAHAHA! That would hurt, especially in your toe.

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  10. May the person who talked you into thinking that a bee sting doesn't hurt get stung on the tip of every finger and once in the ass.

    I love that all of us with dirty minds were led somewhere else at the start of this story.

    I love that you waited til halfway through before allowing nature images come to mind.

    And the cursing? I believe that is what i've said exactly each time I have been stung.

    Great response to TRDC prompt this week!

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  11. So, what you're saying is it's not the size of the prick but the sharpness that counts?

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  12. I've only been stung once. I think we all remember our first.

    This was brilliant :)

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  13. I spent my childhood stepping on bees and hobbling around for days after. They always got me right on the ball of my foot too, the bastards. Worse than the hurt was the itching while it healed.

    And then there was the time I SAT on a wasp...my teenaged pride was even more tender than my ass.

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  14. Ha!Somehow I *knew* you weren't going where I thought you were going.

    PS One time I stuck my hand in a wreath to adjust it and got stung underneath my fingernail. OUCH.

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  15. I love the way you set this up!

    Hey, at least you went 28 years before it happened. That's pretty good if you ask me. :)

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  16. I walked into a hornet's nest when I was 2. After that, bee stings were nothing.

    Good setting us up for the sting, literally!

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  17. When I was six years old, I was at the fair with my family. I was eating a hotdog, and a wasp landed on the foil wrapper. I panicked, and threw the hotdog, wrapper and all, as far away as possible. Fucker crawled off the wrapper and onto my finger, where it stung me. I cried so hard, my dad had to take me home.

    First and only time I've been stung. It left an impression. Bees of any kind? Assholes, all of 'em.

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  18. "I got stung by a bee after 28 years of...not being stung by any bees" So funny!

    My husband stepped on a yellow jacket hive, and he got stung about 10 times. Ouch!

    I have never been stung.

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  19. I once got stung in between my fingers. Hurt like a son of a bitch.

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  20. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

    While I could sense that we weren't going to get a dirty post here, I wasn't sure what to expect. I'm sorry you got stung, but it made for good blog fodder, and that's good, right?

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  21. It's stunning how much it hurts. I had a bee fly up my dress and sting me on the ass when I was outside my college dorm. There was a LOT of flailing.

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  22. You're just plain naughty.

    Naughty.

    Nothing is safe from you.

    LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

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  23. On the toe? Ouch. That just sucks. And yellow jackets? ugh.

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  24. I've NEVER been stung by a bee. So I'm shuddering now with this clever recounting. Of course, now that I've said this in print, I'm sure I'll be stung shortly...

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  25. Nicely played. Nicely played indeed.

    Love the set up and the mystery of it all! :)

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  26. Don't feel bad.

    I pretty much did scream, flail and run to avoid sex.

    With no cool bee-twist.

    I know. So sexy, right?

    But I got over it.

    Thankfully.

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  27. I once had a bunch of bees try to build a hive in my car... had to have someone smoke them out. Other than that, I kind of like bees. But so far, I'm going on 46 years without ever having been stung by a bee. I'm sure I will not like them so much if that happens.

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  28. That was fun! I knew for sure you couldn't be talking about what it sounded like you were talking about at the point you described hopping around "grasping the insulted body part"...but just couldn't stop the imagery.(Love the name of your blog too.)

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  29. Well, that was good.

    Your set up was brilliant. It's great isn't it, knowing most of the world will immediately think, sex!

    And ouch ouch ouch. I've never been stung and let's hope that cherry is never popped.

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  30. Yay to Sprite's keeper to beating me to the "prick" joke.

    My Owen got stung by a yellow jacket. On the face. Fucker followed him into the house, where I was comforting him, and stung him on the face again.

    Asshole.

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  31. I got stung by a big fat bumble bee when I was like 6. Maybe 5. Stepped on the little bugger and it hurt. So. Bad.

    You totally had me going. You little minx you. I thought you were going to say you had The ButtSex in the field.

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  32. Ah, when it rains it pours. The hive incident should take care of stings coming your way for life though.

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  33. This is fucking AWESOME! I mean, not that you got stung...eh, you know what I mean.

    And for the record? I have only been stung ONCE. In 7th grade on my thumb.

    Since then? Screw relaxing. I run like hell.

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  34. Well led. The set up is great, all full of *portent.*

    And I left giggling.

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  35. OF COURSE MommaKiss had the same idea I had.

    LOVE YOU!

    BTW...I can't believe I'm writing this to be seen publicly: I almost wrote about butt sex and oral. IN.THAT.ORDER.

    Not cool, NOT COOL.

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  36. being stung by a bee can hurt more than what i thought you were going to describe.

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  37. you crack me up. I was stung for the first time a few months ago. In M.'s room, one was on his carpet. How random.

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  38. My sister got nailed on one eyelid by a bee and the other one by a horsefly, at the SAME TIME. We were walking past a blackberry patch that had a bees nest & horsefly(dragonfly??) nest side by side.

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  39. as usual, you are too damn funny. love your first story, although bee stings are an emeffer for sure.

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