Thursday, January 27, 2011

Not One To Which You Wear A Fancy Dress

For once, I double booked appointments in my favor.  Before Owen's hospital visit on Monday, we swung by the Ophthalmologist for a quickie eye exam.

In true anxious Owen fashion, he'd peppered us with questions about the eye exam incessantly all weekend;

"Just look at my eyes right?"

"Not hurt right?"

"Just talk to the doctor right?"

"Yeah. Just talk to doctor Sweetie, not hurt, no boo boos Sweetie."

I can only take so much.  Which is less than the 489 times he asked me;

"Right Mom? Right? RIGHT??"

"Well.  Actually.  They're going to need to take your eyeballs out, squeeze all the juice out, put new juice in, then put them back in your head."

A stricken look on his face for a millisecond before I assured him that I was teasing, and he better not ask me again.

He didn't ask me again.

He was relaxed as he sat on my lap while the tech got ready to test his vision.  She asked him if he was ready to start;

"You gonna take my eyeballs out now?"


After that long day of appointments, I got home, poured a glass of wine and opened my mail, the paper kind.

Thank you so very much for the postcard  Nubian.

This made me feel so special.

Who on earth would appreciate pictures of big balls of elephant shit?



In Owen's seven years of wearing hearing aids, he has subjected the costly little gadgets to all manner of abuses.

As a toddler he'd rip them out of his head and throw them across the room, several times a day.

As he got older, his aim got better and he'd throw them at my head, several times a day.

As his fine motor skills improved, he'd take them out, dismember them, and throw all the pieces at my head, several times a day.

Thank goodness, he's old enough now that he treats them with the respect they deserve.  He is totally self sufficient in their care, save for changing the batteries.  He removes them carefully before bed, pops open the battery doors, and places them lovingly in their little container on his bureau.

Last night, just before he stepped into the bathtub, I was standing in front of him, hand outstretched waiting to receive the aids and place them safely out of the splash zone.
He took them out, bent his knees in a deep squat, rubbed his hearing aids on his balls, and placed them in my hand.

My facial muscles contorted in a battle between stern disapproval and emerging giggles.

I made it to the kitchen, safely out of Deaf earshot before howls of laughter took over.


Minutes after bathtime was finished, and hearing aids given a gentle swab with an alcohol pad, my cell phone rang.

Owen's friend from school, fellow Deaf kid Nolan, was on the phone.

I'm quick with the Flip, and caught Owen's very firstest phone call from a school friend on video:

If they could have actually heard each other, I wonder if they'd have compared augmentive hearing device ball rubbing technique.

I also wonder if Nolan was on the other end signing like Owen was.

So fucking cute.


So you liked my signing?

Thanks to any of you who commented on my cuteness or hotness even.  You're hysterical.

You know who I think is hot?

This chick:

Also?  She kicks my signing ass all over the place.

But.  She's given me an idea.

What song would you like to see me sign? 

I just might have the balls to try it.


  1. Mazel Tov! Rubbing things on one's balls is a huge rite of passage into manhood. I am so happy for you.

  2. Damn, I love your kid! That video was adorable. And the ball rubbing? Hysterical. Maybe it's for good luck?

  3. How fast are you?

    How about I's The End Of The World As We Know It by REM?

  4. I love you random stories.

    That was an awesome video.

    How about Teenage Dream from Katy Perry?

  5. Nubian's blog is password protected but I'm sure that someone awesome enough to send you a postcard like that also has an awesome blog.

    LOVE the video of the boy-child. LOVE.

  6. Oh, and I forgot to ask: Is rubbing your hearing aids on your balls good luck?

  7. For the record: my second grader has perfect hearing (supposedly - the "selective" hearing has given me moments of wondering about that though) and her phone conversations go just about as well as the one with Owen and his Deaf friend. It's still all "Huh? You still there? Hello? What?" and me in the background going "Hey - is that her/his mom? Hand me the phone. GIVE MOMMY THE PHONE." So, the actual hearing component of a 2nd grader conversation seems to be of less importance than one'd assume....

    I love that video (I also love that song and must remind myself to sing the PG rated Forget You version when in earshot of my child). Any excuse to watch that again - thanks for posting it.

    I'm just curious - what exactly is the sign for "fool" or the whole "I pity the fool" line? It looks like flinging snot, almost - can you do a video of just that line?

    You know what I bet would make a totally beautiful signed song? Ripple.

  8. Oh that phone convo is classic. He is beyond cute. I don't know anything about ASL, but what that girl is doing in the video is way more than signing. She's like dance-signing or something. Also, "fuck" in Italian is exactly the same as the sign for it apparently.

  9. Thank you SO MUCH for posting the video! I love that song and now I can sign along to it.

    My mom is deaf, so I've been signing my whole life, but I'm out of practice since she lip reads so well. Now I don't need to ask her how to sign "fuck". LOL!

  10. I shared this to my fb, so had to. Also? I signed Garth Brooks when I had to 'sing' a song in sign class. SO not the same effect. Love and adore and puffy heart this. Owen on the phone? Awe.some.

  11. He is so wonderful. And funny like mama.

  12. That video is so beautiful it makes me cry.



  13. I would like you to sign "HeyYa! by Black Eyed Peas...

    Just so I can see you shake that better song..

  14. OMG, the ball rubbing thing...ha!

  15. Ack! sorry! It's by OutKast

    Anyway, you will LOVE the lyrics and you can really shake that hot shit that is you

    YouTube HeyYa by OutKast

  16. So. Much. To. Take. In!!!

    Hearing Aids rubbed on balls...

    Giant Ball of Elephant Poop

    Now able to sign the "F bomb" when pissed at those around me.

    What an education I receive here! :-)

    The video is adorable share more!

  17. I will be back to watch all the video. kids calling each other stinky poopoo brother and screaming...

  18. Oh man! We have the same issues over here with glasses. No ball rubbing yet, but purposeful and angry throwing and breaking.

  19. haha i totally noticed the hands moving.

    that was very cute

  20. I read several blogs and it's still rare that I wind up laughing so hard that tears come out of my eyes. But c'mon...rubbing his fucking BALLS with his HEARING AIDS? OMFG, BWAAAHAHAHAHA! I saw the signing's become such a part of him that it's become an associated movement, huh? Anyway, I love Owen. I love Bea. I love YOU. But I promise, only in a non-stalkerish sort of way. Totally. BTW, I usually NEVER whore my blog out...but my most recent blog entry has a link where I'm trying to win a contest. Would you please click on my name here, follow the link and vote for me? Thanks!

  21. So fucking cute! I just want to eat him up. And YOU are hot! You make me want to learn to sign. As for the song...hmmmm...I need to think that one over. I'll get back to you. It's going to be naughty though. :D

  22. Oh, and that chick IS hot. AWESOME signer!

  23. Shit. Big Daddy Autism stole my line.
    Well, at least he didn't baptize them in pee.

  24. I would only admit this to you, and I know you won't tell anyone....

    But the whole time Owen was on the phone, I found my self leaning forward and straining to hear what the person on the other line was saying - you know to help him out.

  25. That chick is so fucking awesome.

    I would like to see you sign Truckin, please :)

  26. OMFG! What a (ball rubbin') awesome post. I wonder if all the cool kids are into rubbin' the 'nads with their specialty equipment. Is this a national trend?

    The post and this video Made. My. Day.

    You rock.

  27. Owen is fucking adorable.

    I wrote a post to you. It contains my favorite ASL songs. One of which is definitely right up your alley. You should check it out :)

  28. If he rubs his balls with his hearing aids just before handing them to you, I hesitate to wonder what he does with them at night when they are alone together? Was he marking his territory?
    I love how he signed when talking on the phone to his friend. His conversation sounds a lot like my teenage nephew's phone calls - grunts, uh-huhs, and what's. Only if my nephew is eating a brownie, we have another issue to attend to. Maybe Skype would be fun?
    I L.O.V.E. that sign language video! I learned to swear using different signs, but I do know signs can be regional and can also change with time. And I think we were taught more SEE than ASL.
    I want to watch you try to sign We Didn't Start the Fire just because I am mean like that.

  29. Isn't she the cutest? It was her final for a college ASL class.

    Owen talking on the phone is gold.

  30. Oh my god. The video of the girl signing to Cee Lo just made my freaking day. No, my week. Wish I had found it myself for my Monday's Muse.
    Now I MUST think of a song to request. (Just watched your clips from last week and I'm very impressed.)

  31. I totally think you should do the Bohemian Rhapsody.

  32. How big is a ball of elephant shit? If they're as big as I think they are that is a BIG stinkin' bug.

    Owen saying "I want to eat the brownie." Good life philosophy. Boy is too cute.

    Rubbing h/a on balls for luck? Checking his parts? Is a guy thing. Funny!

  33. I didn't think I could love that song any more than I already did, but now I'm a super goner on it. She should got on tour!

    And i LOVE your kid.


  34. he rubbed them on his balls. in case there was ever a doubt he was yours...

    and that version of Fuck You was riDICulous. superb.

  35. OMFG I cannot believe your son rubs anything on his balls. I didn't know boys did that, I thought they clutched themselves all the time but I didn't know their was anything going on with stuff. So cute on the phone, my husband has much the same level of phone skills at 41, I wouldn't worry. Why do husbands get louder when they use the phone? Why?

    I love it when she signs "fuck you and fuck her too" that just makes me fucking happy.

  36. Oh yeah, I want you to sign James Brown's "I Feel Good." Yes, yes I do. I want to see you sign "Waaaaaahhh!"

  37. Holy shit- that boy is fucking awesome!!
    And rubbing his hearing aids on his balls before handing them to you?? Yep, he's *your* kid!!

  38. I don't know why, but a song just popped in my head for you to sign.

    Hollaback Girl.

    I think maybe I just want to see you do:

    "this shit is bananas, B A N A N A S"

  39. WHAT??? his balls?? did he explain why he did that? OH MY WORD!
    elephant poop love'n weirdo! I do love you... loved your adorable card, so did my girls!

  40. Such cute stories- what is it with boys and rubbing stuff on their balls- Dani posted the bottom video on FB this am- Great postcard.

    Have a great weekend!

  41. One of the benefits of the hard of hearing child I guess. They can't hear you laughing after the hearing aid ball rub.

  42. My favorite group is Phineas and Ferb.

    Substandard Dad is one of their best in my opinion. Or Come Home Perry. But just any of them are fine with me.

  43. LMAO at hearing aides rubbed on should get a prize for keeping a straight face until hitting the kitchen.

    If I could watch the fucking video I'd know how to sign "fuck" and then I would be able to tell the bastards who blocked it from viewers outside the US to fuck off!

  44. I read this yesterday on my dinner break and when Owen rubbed his hearing aides on his manhood I laughed so hard pizza shot outta my nose.

    I couldn't comment then cause it took the rest of my break to get the cheese outta my nose hairs.


  45. Owen always gives me so much hope for the future!

    The phone call was the sweetest thing ever!

  46. I'm always glad to come here and see what I have to look forward to. Right now LG only shoves his hands down his pant a few thousand times a day. I look forward to the day he rubs expensive items on his junk.

    I love that last video. She might be hotter shit than you, even. Might.

    If you could do Respect with half the soul of Aretha, now that would be even hotter shit than her.

  47. Happy you loved the postcard... knew you would see the funny side of it. More postcards were mailed, so hopefully you get them soon. Arrived home on Saturday... crazy to think my January was spent on 3 different continents.

  48. Wow you get some interesting mail.

    Owen sounds like a funny type of a guy.

    New here


  49. Ok, seriously, three times today you made me LOL! Out loud! At work!

    I hate you.

  50. My son's been wearing hearing aids for 11 years and the ball rubbing is new to me. I tell ya, that Owen is quite the creatve thinker!

  51. You made me laugh so hard I had tears spewing out of my eyes. Between telling Owen the doctor was going to take his eyes out... and the ball rubbing incident... CRYING!! Thanks, as always :)


Use Your Words.