Thursday, January 6, 2011

I Knew Right Away She Was Not Like Other Girls

That's it.  I'm never telling you people anything ever again.  IDEAS.  That's all I wanted. Fresh mojo.  Not begging and pleading to keep going.  You're no help at all.

And nobody told me what a jerk I am?  Very disappointing.  Though I did lose a follower.  That's the spirit!!!

Haven't you people learned?  I threaten to quit like twice a year.  I get bored easily.  Blame my Aries nature.

And vlogging?  Seriously?  Ok fine.  I'll do it.  As soon as I stop fucking swearing.

There is something I haven't tried, that I've noticed all the cool kids doing.

I forget how I found jillsmo, or she found me.  We were likely both drunk and sporting bloggoggles, professing our love for each other after reading one another's profanity laden posts about our especially needy children.

Thank goodness jillsmo remembered that I'd agreed to be her Fairy BlogMother;  a cheerleader of sorts I think?  Not quite sure.

Anyway.  My first Blogmotherly act will be giving jillsmo the floor here, as my first guest poster.  Ever.

Bippitty Boppitty Boo.


Tulpen is my Fairy BlogMother!

I KNOW, right?? It’s SO exciting!! I’m so excited about this! Okay… it’s slightly possible that I don’t actually have any idea what a Fairy BlogMother is. However, I read about it on another blog over the holidays and I thought, if anybody is fit for this role, it is Tulpen. And when I asked her, and I explained that it meant she was required to get me drunk and curse at me (because I’m almost positive, now, that actually is what it means), SHE WAS SO EXCITED, TOO!! Or… her exact words may have been something like “uhhhh….” I’m not really sure, it was over a week ago now, so I don’t remember. Plus, I was drunk at the time.

So, as her first act as my Fairy BlogMother, she has offered me this space on her blog to yammer about whatever I want, and so I thought I would take this opportunity to explain to her, and to you, exactly why I thought she would be the perfect person to fill this role in my life.

1. She and I are both raging alcoholics. I’m actually quite drunk right now, and it’s 8:30am my time. But, I figure, it’s almost lunchtime where Tulpen is, so that makes it perfectly okay.

2. We both love the Grateful Dead, and have fun stories to tell about our experiences. That’s all I’m going to say about that, though (shhhhhh…….).

3. We both have 2 children: 1 regular one, and another that’s, um… slightly dented. You know, not exactly broken, but maybe just a little irregular. Not flawed enough that they need to be returned to the store we got them from, but just enough so that she and I can be ostracized and judged appropriately by parents who only have the regular kind.

4. But, ultimately, what bonds us stronger than any of the above is our mutual, overwhelming desire to see Jason Mraz naked. And, Tulpsters… (can I call you Tulpsters? No? Oh. Shit. Sorry.) And, Tulpen…. because I love you so much, I make you this promise now, that if I ever actually get the chance to see Jason Mraz naked, I will totally share him with you. I promise! I will immediately stop what I’m doing and send you an email about it, giving you the exact directions to our location. It’s not really my problem that you live thousands of miles away from me and it’s 3 hours later over there, the point is that I made the offer, and that, right there, should prove my worthiness to have you as my Fairy BlogMother. Whatever that is.


Thanks jillsmo.  That was fun.  Let's do it again soon ok?

And look.  As a parting gift to you, I went and Googled "Jason Mraz Naked".  Don't pretend to be surprised.

You're welcome.


  1. A) I love that the title of this post is from scarlet begonias
    B) I want a fucking fairy blogmother, but I want my fairy to come from west hollywood. Or since Jillsmo is SF, the Castro. Or since Tulpen is back where she is, Provincetown.
    C) I love you both. Let's toast to slightly dented kids, Jerry's missing middle finger, and saying fuck. A lot. Cheers ladies!!

  2. Go jillsmo! #3 is excellent - "dented" - love it, and how it explains my youngest to perfection. But dented cans are supposed to be cheaper, right?

    And Tulpen, so what you're saying is "no" to the whole vlogging thing? Fine.

  3. Also am digging the title. Nicely done, girls. xo

  4. Also dear Sister, please change your blog roll. Just in case I actually post over at the new blog...

  5. oooh. I think he *may* actually be naked in that last one . . .

  6. Nice! I usually have to play the atheist card to lose followers.

    I suggest you try meditating. Because I'm trying it, and rather than being all spiritual, all I keep thinking about is what would make a great blog post. So there you go.

  7. Nobody gets me drunk and curses at me anymore. Not since my mom passed. I need a Fair Blogmother.

    I could be you guys' soul brother.

    1. Drunkard - Check
    2. Deadhead - Check
    3. Two kids (50% ASD) - Check
    4. Jason Mraz Naked - Double Check

  8. I belong to the dented kid club. Go us! Glad to finally find out the name.

    What about posts about telling doctors off? What about a post on how to advocate for your dented kid? (Advocating to teachers, schools, doctors, nurses.....and how when you do all this advocating people tell you what a strong person you are when in fact you're falling apart inside, or is that just me?) And then of course how when you drop the ball on something while advocating for your kid people say "Didn't you think of this or that or notice whatever" .....

  9. Ooh- thanks for the belated Christmas present.

    Nice guest post, too. *wink*

  10. Wow. Um. Did somebody say something? I was, uh.... Huh. I was looking at the, um.... the... surfb.....


    wait. What?

  11. Don't dented cans sometimes have spoiled insides? Making poo extra stinky? So we can talk about poo over here but actually call it shit?

    I fucking hate the Grateful Dead.

  12. GingerB:

    I LOVE you for sharing your hate for the Dead.


    And my dented kid? Yes. EXTRA stinky poop. Extra Extra.

  13. I'm not a fan of the Dead, despite my Berkeley years. I don't have a crush on Jason Mraz (at least I didn't before this post).

    But I do love to drink and swear at Big Daddy. So we've all got that in common.

  14. If I didn't hate the word squee, I'd say squee, because I kinda sorta think I coined the phrase Fairy Blogmother (after mine, the Empress) and if someone else is using my little phrase I am going to certainly be uber famous now.


    I like the guest post idea and this was a good one :)

  15. OMFuckingG. Just found this blog over on Dysfunctional Supermom. You are sofa king funny.
    PS Aries' rock.

  16. Gigi, I just went back to Taming Insanity where I first saw it and YES! You totally coined it!

    So, SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

  17. Yeah I didn't even mention you leaving cuz you're full of shit. LOL

    Thanks a lot for giving me another blog that I don't have time to read. I've already added it to my reader and if it's anything like the others I've found by way of you I'll be pissing my pants sooner than later.

  18. Came back here tonight to see if the surfboard had moved at all since last time I looked. Carry on.

  19. How cool! I feel like I get two for the price of one. Well, 3 if you count Jason!

  20. Love to be called a Tulpster...that's what I am and that's what everyone who has a shrine in their home (ahhh. or is it only me?) to Tulpen should be called.

    All commenters/visitors/lurkers/stalkers here? are Tulpsters.

    Done and done and I love it.

    Also: love love the dented child. Slightly irregular. Love that.

    AND: kicking myself b/c I didn't recognize that Tulpen (esp me being a Tulpster) needed a GP. I am all dummy me like that.

    This guest post was wonderful.

    It had everything: alcohol, swear words, naked man.

    I loved it. xo

  21. Well if other people are going to do your posts you may as well stop!
    Just kidding of course.
    I hate the dead too, Jason Mraz is only okay but you my dear SUCK! Jillsmo is my new best friend.
    There- feel better?

  22. Wait - I need someone to get drunk and curse at me?


    Really, what am I suppose to do now?

    I've already spent all my Christmas money.

  23. You know....he might actually be naked in that second one. That's some good sleuthing there.

  24. Tulpsters. Awesome.

    Also, I see white ass cheek in the second photo. That makes this shit morning so much better.

  25. Hooray for Tulpsters!!! Awesome guest post and I'm psyched to meet a new bloggy friend!

    yay for guest posts, and double yay for Tulpen coming back!


  26. Look at jill breaking your cherry. So sweet. I gave you ideas, bitch! Dingers!! More dingers!!

  27. This was awesome. It was like the cool kids' lunch table. And it totally makes me want a Fairy BlogMother.

  28. Well crapsticks. I totally missed the post where you threatened to give up on your blog. You know I would NOT be happy.

    Love your guest blogger today. You two are like a dynamic duo. And you would totally get arrested if you hung out IRL, I'm pretty sure. ;)

  29. We're just a bunch of fucking good-for-nothings, aren't we?

  30. Sweet Jeezus on cracker, how come I didn't know he was so freaking hot? Good lord girl, you've got good taste in celebrity husbands. I'll back off now from your man and wipe the slobber off my chin.
    And I happened to miss the post where you mused about quitting, which was actually a good thing. I might have gotten a little nasty. :)

  31. I tried to take your advice and drink more wine. I ended up outing myself. So much for my anonymous blogging. That's what I get for tying to keep up with a creepy elephant. Wine and blogging don't mix well for all of us. I'm switching to vodka.

  32. There's something really delightful about "just enough so that other parents can judge us." LOVE IT!

  33. I look at Mraz and...nuthin. And that last pic freaks me out. running away now...

  34. I like the dead (and little o LOVES him some Jerry), but you need to keep the naked skinny boy to yourself. If I see JM nakers, you'll know it by the loud screams you hear coming from Ohio.

    As for your slightly dented one? At least your kid has an excuse for ignoring you sometimes. The little SOBs I live with HEAR ME, and I know they do, but they don't even turn their heads anymore.


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