Tuesday, January 4, 2011

10.5 Things That Pissed Me Off, Made Me Smile, Made Me Want To Stick A Fork In An Eye, And Ultimately Kept Me Blissfully Away From The Interwebs All This Time Resulting In The Longest Post Title In History, Or At Least The History Of This Blog.

10.  Owen was home deathly ill for a week, causing gray hairs to sprout from my head at record pace.

      10.5 Triumph over illness that requires well thought out post that may or may not happen.

9:  That Holiday.  You know the one.  With the preparations; cooking, wrapping, lying to children, eating and drinking to excess.  Yeah.  That'll take a lot out of a girl.

8.  Kindle.  Yep.  I gots one.  Al did good.  Even though, as I immersed myself in the highly entertaining Hunger Games trilogy, he second guessed his gift wondering why he got me something else with which to "Ignore him".  Ahhhh.  Guilt.  Always a favorite.

7. School vacation week, which brought with it a nice chest cold for me.  And also two children who had forgotten all about their Pillow pets, Zhu Zhu pets, RC Iron Man, Barbies, books, movies, games; and complained incessantly about level of boredom until brain matter leaked out of my ears.

6. Whilst wiping gray matter off of shoulders, Bea marches up to me in that sweet muppet voice with a dash of attitude, a heap of bitch and a sprinkle of  you think I'm bad now? You're screwed when I'm thirteen;

     "My OTHER MOTHER isn't mean.  Aaaaaand, she lets me say bad words".

5. Owen's rendition of;  "Asleep Ladidah".  Cute at first.  Annoying as a bum hole tickle after 374 times.

4. Christmas evening.  Trapped on couch with sister in law and mother in law as they argued back and forth over who dealt nose hair singeing fart.

3.  Day after Christmas.  Blizzard. Loud noise, crazy blue flash and power out.  Owen displayed his pussified nature, with dramatic shrieks and flailing. Thankfully, Santa put flashlights in kids' stockings.  Also thankful laptop was fully charged allowing for DVD viewing for children and Kindle reading by flashlight for moi.

2. Several days, over a week maybe?  Of barely glancing in computer's direction.  Finding myself not missing it at all.  Wondering if it is time to walk away.  Disappear.

1. Not yet.  But feeling like a change is needed to keep me engaged here.  Any ideas?


  1. disappear if you must.
    It will however make me sad that there is not another person out there anymore that is QUITE as twisted as I am.
    The holidays always create a mental slump. I myself am feeling blah.
    I'm inventing boxed milk to raise my spirits.

  2. You have to do what's right for you, but if you go, there will be a sad, empty place in BlogLand where Tulpen was. It won't be the same. And I won't laugh as much.

    But I'll still love you.

  3. If you leave the blogosphere I will cease all life functions and crumble into a heap of nothingness.

    Gotta love that guilt!

  4. One fucked up word - "vlogging" - put a bag over your head and do it already.


    The unknown vlogger. We could gong you off. Like any of us would have the tits to do it though (read that somewhere today - replace "balls" with "tits" because it takes some serious balls to have tits)

    Missed you, and my safe place to cuss.

  5. I am glad to see you back and with such a long-winded blog post title. My new policy on bloggin is - whatever. I blog occasionally, when I feel like it. No more every day. no way. Let me know how you like the Kindle. I'm intrigued.

  6. Number 6, made me laugh. You are in so much trouble.

    And don't you stop! I will hunt you down and make you come to a social media event and meet me in person then I will get your phone number and bother with you texts all day some of which will be dirty and of the drunk variety.

    And I like Ash's idea. Vlogging. Get on it.

  7. I missed you.
    Doesn't that count for fucking ANYTHING? I don't even fart the nasty farts.

    Happy new year, lady. And I use that term loosely.

  8. I read this entire post and the only thing burned in my mind is the phrase, "bum hole tickle". That being said, no other blogger intrigues me the way you do, don't leave.

    That's the extent of the begging that I allow myself to do, while maintaining my dignity. =)~

  9. Those bum hole tickles do get annoying after the 200th time. Can't imagine how 374 felt.

    Btw, sometimes my whole life feels like non-stop bum hole tickles.

  10. What?
    And right after I'm having my blogroll adjusted to add your button and EVERYTHING?
    Please reconsider.

    Also, nose hair singing farts? Never. Come. From me.

  11. I like the vlog with a bag over your head idea-
    Really- you want to go away!? What about me? Seriously so selfish.

    Bea's other mother sounds great- has she seen Coroline? Maybe she's a bit young but that should cure her of the other mother business.

    Eww- your relatives fart.

    Glad you don't have your chest cold-

    When we lived in MI we used to get power outages all the time- sucked hard core. Glad your comp was charged.

  12. The farts? From the ladies? What do the men do? Never mind, sorry I asked! And Beas's other mother? So love. Yeah, 13 is gonna suck monkey balls. We should accept it now.

  13. Oh, I've missed reading your blog and I am glad to be back visiting AND glad you're back posting.

    I really like Ash's idea. For reals. You should do it.

  14. You always crack me up. I come with no ideas.......sorry.

  15. 1. Missed You. Glad you're back.
    I didn't post much during the Season of Torture either.

    2. Sorry to hear about super illness. Happy things seemed to have worked out ok.

    3. Hunger Games Trilogy - Fuck Yeah!

    4. Kindle, just can't get on board. I love to read but more than that I love to pass great books on to other people.

    5. I can't afford to come to your homestate to stalk you properly. Please don't stop writing all together.

    6. Ideas: That book you refuse to write, you know the one WE ALL tell you to write, well reconsider.

  16. Oh, Tulpen. I disappeared for like 2 wks late summer.

    It was all too much, there was so much. So much of everything, and not enough of me, had to do it all.

    You can do what you need to do.

    If you take a month off, I'll just wait till you're back. IF you come back and only post 2x/month so you can get on that book that you MUST do...that'll work.

    We'll take you anyway we can get you.

    Occasional tweets? s'awright.

    occasional blog visits? s'awright.

    occasional posts? s'awright.

    See what I mean.

    Anyway at 'tall.

    We love you.

    We;d miss you like crazy cuz the thing is when you feel like a little Tulpen...well, there's only one Tulpen.

    Dang. I'd better stop now, got a lump in my throat and it feels hard to swallow.


  17. You're supposed to be my Fairy BlogMother! Whatever that means!

  18. You think "Asleep Ladidah" sucks...kinda how we'd feel not getting to read your spin on your world.

    Go ahead...take a break...blog every blue moon but stick around for that occasional 'thought vomit' so we can laugh at your expense.

    Hope 2011 blows some sunshine up your ass...it sounds too cold up there to not have sunshine in your ass.

  19. I'd want you to vlog just so I can hear your wicked cool accent.

    I also am so screwed when my beloved daughter hits 13. Hell, I'm screwed already and she's only 7.5........

    Asleep Ladidah cracked me up, but that's just I MANAGED TO MAKE IT AN ENTIRE EFFING HOLIDAY SEASON WITHOUT HEARING IT A SINGLE TIME this year. YES, I am YELLING because I am *that* excited to have passed an entire holiday music season (which, thanks to stores setting up displays in Sepfuckingtember, is now almost 4 months long) without hearing Sr. Feliciano *or* The Christmas Shoes. Well, I did turn on the car and have the radio playing the mothereffing Christmas Shoes but I switched it off right away, so only heard like 2 seconds of it, tops. Doesn't count.

    First year EVER I haven't heard Feliz Navidad. Makes up for the million and twelve times my kid blasted Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas is You in the past 5 weeks.

    Please don't go away entirely. That would suck monkey tits, balls and bum holes.

  20. That would be exactly how my husband would react if he got me a Kindle.

    The difference? I wouldn't hear him complain. Hunger Games is too good to listen to husbands be passive aggressive.

  21. I have no ideas to keep the blog going. My blog is floundering.


  22. The Santa hoax takes a lot out of me. This year it involved typing up fake letters and hand writing a post cookie note in Santa scrawl.


    So glad you survived blizzards and fart disputes. And the bored children...I can relate. Also the lack of bloggy motivation. I'm working on it, yet strangely not sure why.

    Although my blog hopping has been sporadic at best, I would be sad to see you go. So, there.

  23. We could all pitch in and pay you big money...

  24. Wow, I can't even fathom not going nutso without being near a computer at least every two hours or so.

  25. I don't want you to leave bloggy land, but if you do, the kindle is a valid excuse. I got one too and haven't really been all that interested in blogging....or cleaning....or anything but reading

  26. I'll bet Bea's other mother is a kick-ass blogger. I'm gonna go find her.

    Blogging can be a grind and I haven't been doing it for nearly as long as you. You've got an amazing readership though. Hey, I've got a great idea...just keep posting links to my blog. No? Boo.

  27. Holy crap 10.5 times! Is your little guy doing okay? My suggestion - just write when you feel like it , for your own pleasure. I'm sure you'll still be adored.

  28. First - I hope Owen is doing okay. :)

    Second - bum hole tickle? LOL I peed my pants a little.

  29. Oh and third thing - Kindle = YEAH!!! Love mine!

  30. I read the Hunger Games last week! Loved it! Couldn't put it down until I finished it at 2 am! Which is why I was a grumpy bitch the next day..

  31. What can I say that hasn't already been said?

    But I, too, would be terribly upset if you were to disappear for good.

  32. Tell ya what, stop reading as much other blogs/commenting/general social media whoring responsibilities and you'll feel refreshed and rejuvenated. Yes even if it means my blog. Sad whimper.

    Wasn't Hunger Games kick ass?
    Here, with all of this time on your hands check this out http://www.hogwartsprofessor.com/category/hunger-games/

  33. Hey, your inlaws have been sneaking into my house and blaming their farts on my aging, stinking dog. You can't leave the net, no one else acknowleges having their nose hair singed.

  34. Happy New Year! Man, the fart fight sounds like a good time.

    Glad you had a good break. Sometimes it's just more of those that you need to miss the blogosphere. At least, that's the way it works for me. But then again, I'm lazy and change takes effort.

  35. I can relate to many items on your list.
    Our power didn't go out, but what counter-acted that good fortune was the fact that I had to shovel the 2' of White Hell from our really long driveway...it took HOURS out of my life (which is particularly awesome since I spent the last month doing every.single.thing. for prepping to host family for Xmas and hadn't sat down since Thanksgiving amd was beyond exhausted) because hubby hurt his shoulder last year and isn't supposed to do the shovel-motion while lifting (ie: SHOVEL SNOW).
    I finished just in time to get my sister to the airport, then Newark closed indefinitely.
    Then school break ended just in time for Kid#1 to get feverish sinus headaches and require missing 2 days of school (kid hasn't been ill since 2008...great timing, no?).

    Thus I, too, disappeared for over a week. I questioned whether I had much to write. But...it's coming back. So you need to come back. Please.

  36. Try writing fiction! You can make up all sorts of shit. Very freeing. Although I will say...less people read it.

    Maybe just mine. Hmmmm...

  37. I was thinking of number 2 myself. It will be a sad world without you.

  38. I didn't really touch the internet in the whole week and didn't realize it until I started to write my new year's random. Ooops, oh, well, I say. I mostly do this to fight boredom at work. (shhh don't tell anyone).

  39. Okay being totally selfish here, you got me through 2010 please do not abandon me in 2011.

    (how the fuck does one pack for two different seasons... major shoe dilemma and I leave tomorrow ~ watch the mail for postcards!)

  40. I got an ereader too and I lurve it so much. I'm obsessed with finding cheap/free books to load on the thing.

    I was offline for weeks, too and like you I found it wonderful. If you go I will miss reading here but it can be difficult to balance a virtual life with the real world.

  41. * don't leave.

    * if you do leave, keep writing. you're too good to stop.

    * completely obsessed with Hunger Games, too. according to my kindle, i have completed 51% of book #3. i will mourn it's end.

  42. No point missing it eh? But if you enjoy it sometimes you may as well.

    So glad he recovered alright.

  43. I find you on a day that you think of leaving. Let it be a sign that new readers are heading your way and according to the followers here, you are somewhat of a drug for them - best you don't leave them without their fix.
    The holidays suck the life out of us, and I love it all ... the shopping, the gifts, the trees (yes, 7 of them) and then at the end of it all ... like a washed out rag!
    Life will come back, and you will write wonderful witty prose ... for me, your newest fan :)

  44. I just found you too, along with Autism Army Mom, and Big Daddy Autism. So you have to keep blogging or I'll have only those two to read, and they don't swear nearly enough ;-)

  45. "Nose hair fart singing"? Dare I ask?

    Don't even think about leaving. Who will teach me these things if you're gone?

    Congrats on Kindle. Do I want one? I can't decide.

  46. I got a Nook and am loving it wanting to read the Hunger Games trilogy I hear it is really good. I just read Between, Georgia and it was really good.

    Please you can't leave me, I already lost Bad Mommy I can't bare to loose you also:)


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