Thursday, December 16, 2010

You Know You Love It. The Christmas Newsletter Spoof.

Another year.  Where does the time go?

Well.  I sincerely hope you all had as good a year as we did.

Right out of the gate, 2010 has proven to be the best. year. EVER.

When I woke up last January first and fired up the old dinosaur of a desktop to check my email? What a surprise!   A Hollywood agent had stumbled upon my blog, fell madly in love with me and my story, and offered me a not small fortune to write my autobiography and threw in a movie deal to boot!

I even got the final say on who is to play myself and Al.  They have become dear friends and visit with us often, in our new luxury log home on our own private lake in the country. 

It is so peaceful here.  Al can fish and hunt to his heart's content.  Of course he has a top of the line wood shop where he builds custom furniture that he donates to families in need.  He has also furnished our Hospice House with hand made one of a kind pieces.

The House is staffed by nurses hand picked by me, and provides luxury accommodations for patients and their families during their last days. 

We were thrilled when Bea woke up on her third birthday completely toilet trained.  We didn't have to do a thing! She hasn't pissed or shat her pants since.  And Owen, who has struggled with incontinence for years, has learned from his little sister.  He stopped shitting himself as soon as his sister did!  No more killing the planet with diapers! Yay!

Even though a cure for Owen's Deafness was developed early in the year, Owen is so confident and happy to be who he is, he's refused the treatment.  We couldn't be prouder!  And since we moved away from his school, we've built a new School For The Deaf up here in the wilderness.  With spacious dormitories and free tuition, many of his friends and their families made the move and joined us.  One big happy Deaf kid family we are.

Also? Making all these Deaf kids lives easier is the legislation that all schoolchildren learn American Sign Language.  How cool is that

Remember Owen's feeding tube?  Well.  I yanked that thing on his 7th birthday.  Really!  He's been eating nutritious balanced meals without a fight since!  He even requests broccoli for dessert.  What formerly tube fed kid does that?  He's such a fucking rock star.

While Owen is in school, Al busy with hobbies, and myself busy writing and overseeing movie project, Bea spends her days with her private tutor.  How lucky we are that Gustavo was available and willing to come live with us!  Fresh from Brazil, Gustavo is teaching Bea to speak Portuguese, and would you believe he is fluent in ASL?  Those two have such a good time together.

When he isn't teaching Bea, Gustavo enjoys swimming laps in our indoor pool.  Bea just loves to watch him swim.  Don't worry.  I don't let her near the pool unsupervised. I do manage to tear myself away from my work and monitor her near the water.

Good thing I was able to fund research that led to a cure for stretch marks, saggy boobs, and cellulite.  If Gustavo weren't gay, I'm sure the sight of me in a string bikini would just be too tempting for him!

I am not so shallow that I've limited my funding to things that make me look hot.   You can also thank me for this discovery:  the combination of wine and cheesecake, when taken together, in large quantities, have dramatic health benefits.  I know!  Who knew? The cheesecake blocks damage to your liver, and the wine flushes out the calories in the cheesecake.  Why this wasn't realized years ago is a mind boggling shame.

So. That was our 2010. 

We hope that yours was just as fucking awesome.  Can't wait for 2011!

Happy Holidays!

The Elefantens.

You want to read some REALLY funny newsletters?  Check out this shit:

This one,

This one,

This one,

And this one.

All way funnier than mine.


  1. I have not read your links yet but I have a hard time believing that they are funnier- I want a private tutor- and an indoor pool-

  2. Gonna have to come back and read the other letters....and I just might have to make an attempt to write one to up yours. Which I will fail because you are way funnier, but I will at least try to be funny. This was great! Thanks!

  3. Gonna have to come back and read the other letters....and I just might have to make an attempt to write one to up yours. Which I will fail because you are way funnier, but I will at least try to be funny. This was great! Thanks!

  4. You should have a we can all add our holiday letters and read one anothers. (Anothers is also a word)

  5. woke up potty trained, yanked out the tube.


    i need you at my house!

  6. How fuckin' awesome that all the kids around you will know ASL now!? And wow, Gustavo sounds like quite a find. Good you're not left home alone while your husband is out hunting and fishing all day, and maybe even some cold nights!

  7. Life is so goddamn perfect I want to fucking puke! YEAH!

  8. Ok, the one thing out of that whole letter I find the funniest?


    Why the hell is that such a funny word?!

  9. Fucking Fantabulous ~ best Christmas letter ever!

  10. This is the newsletter I would like to get in the mail someday. And the potty training? Wouldn't that be just dandy? Happy holidays, Zooey! But would you and Daniel stop freakin making out in public?

  11. Oh, the ideas this pokes at....

    I think the lotto by blogging is a great start....and you take us from there to such a great lotto life.

  12. I hate those freakin' Xmas letters.

    Braggity brag brag.


    But not yours...yours rocks.

    so , love you, tulpen.

    Happy New Year!

  13. Ahem, I'm pretty sure Daniel is already slated to play somebody else in somebody else's biopic.

    Anyway... There is room for wonky brained people up at the log cabin compound, right? xo

  14. Tulpen! Thanks for the best (and probably only) Christmas gift I'm gonna get! Seriously, thanks for the rock.

    If we were smarter than we are, we would set up one of those linky thingamabobbies so that everyone could join in the fun. But I'm dumb so oh well.

    PS: Gustavo is moz def not gay.

  15. That was absolutely fabulous!!!! Oh I hope you sent it out for real :-)

  16. Right now I'm kind of mad at you for even JOKING about a cure for cellulite while not actually having one.

    I need a cure. Get on that.

  17. I was so expecting to read Owen was now downing red meat without clearing rooms.

    And yeah, if this my letter, Gustavo would definitely be straight AND my masseuse.

    Have fucking fantastic New Years my friend!

  18. Oh yeah, Daniel is going to be busy...playing Adonis too! I wonder what Jennifer Aniston is up to this spring? Hmmm.

  19. Wait... so you're who Gustavo left me for? And now just 'cause you have some "kid" in "need" I don't get to make hot sexy time with my true love?

    I don't think I can forgive this betrayal.

  20. Sounds about right. Aren't most of those flipping letters just embellished fiction?

    But your letter is pure genius. You really ought to send this one.

  21. well your holiday bs letter is a helluva lot more entertaining than the claptrap i get from my family!

  22. you are fucking funny. Oh how I wish we could all spend a weekend drinking and laughing together. 2011??

  23. I thought I had a great year, but reading how 2010 treated you made me realize that traversing the pyramids of Egypt backwards, using nothing but my bare, curled toes, isn't such a big deal after all. Darn.

  24. awesome. all of it. including saying fucking in your letter. Auntie and grandma will love it!

    also, thanks for the links to Autism mom...I think I have about 70 new fans for her. we all talk like that. and say things like, let's have a playdate! where our kids can be in the same room and NOT play and totally ignore eachother! yay!

  25. And I bet Gustavo looks just like Javier Bardem! Wow, what a life. I especially love that you didn't have to potty train your excessively brilliant daughter.

  26. My Christmas letter would read almost exactly like this, so yeah, right there with you. Maybe I'll have the balls to actually send it out next year! Wouldn't that be a hoot. Though I bet we won't be on as many card lists the following year. Still worth it!

  27. How it that ive been so busy as to just now be reading this?

    Thank the goddess, you've had a moderately decent year. I was hesitating to send my update regarding my year of marital bliss, multiple raises my uber fulfilling job, and dropping a jean size every month from January to bikini season, spent in Belize with the other beautiful privileged people, of course.

    Anyway, we'll brunch on The Queen Mary next time I'm close.

    *Air kisses*

  28. Perfection. I cannot add a single word except this---super-duper awesome.

    That's three words.

  29. What? Gustavo is gay? I am SO disappointed!

  30. So that's how you write one of those Christmas newsletters. Bravo!

  31. Ah, now I know what to put in my Christmas newsletter. I have been putting it off, but you have inspired me to get it done!

  32. I have never written a Christmas letter, and only have received a few in my time.

    I think a "spoof" is way more interesting to read than the real ones, though.

  33. The only thing worse than fruitcake is a Christmas card from the fucking Stepford Family written in 3rd person. Gag me with curdled eggnog.

    I so wish I had a copy of the spoof letter my mom had handwritten and xeroxed in the mid 80's and sent out to just a few people. Bitch was ahead of her time and no wonder I torture my children. I think she announced details of my sister's menstrual cycle and my struggle with acne.

  34. The highlight of my year was posting a link to my blog on the comment thread of a much funnier blogger than myself

    Shameful, but if you ever get stuck for movie ideas I've recently been involved in a tragedy involving an olive.

    Thank you for the laugh, absolutely brilliant. I'm off to buy a box of wine and a dozen cheesecakes!

  35. lets talk about that research on the stretch marks and saggy boobs.. I AM A CANDIDATE!!!

    I miss you too..
    send me your address so I can send you a card.


  36. LOVE it

    I would much rather receive this one in the mail over the real "brag" letters.

  37. This is EXACTLY the kind of letter I want to send out every year but I don't have the balls to do it.

    My in-laws send out the fakey-fake ones every year. Sometimes they are made to be sung along with Christmas Carols or the first letter of every line spells out a festive word. *gag* I'd love to see their faces when they read one like yours.

  38. Hope you all have a friggen fantastic 2011! :-)


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