You Know You Love It. The Christmas Newsletter Spoof.

Another year.  Where does the time go?

Well.  I sincerely hope you all had as good a year as we did.

Right out of the gate, 2010 has proven to be the best. year. EVER.

When I woke up last January first and fired up the old dinosaur of a desktop to check my email? What a surprise!   A Hollywood agent had stumbled upon my blog, fell madly in love with me and my story, and offered me a not small fortune to write my autobiography and threw in a movie deal to boot!

I even got the final say on who is to play myself and Al.  They have become dear friends and visit with us often, in our new luxury log home on our own private lake in the country. 

It is so peaceful here.  Al can fish and hunt to his heart's content.  Of course he has a top of the line wood shop where he builds custom furniture that he donates to families in need.  He has also furnished our Hospice House with hand made one of a kind pieces.

The House is staffed by nurses hand picked by me, and provides luxury accommodations for patients and their families during their last days. 

We were thrilled when Bea woke up on her third birthday completely toilet trained.  We didn't have to do a thing! She hasn't pissed or shat her pants since.  And Owen, who has struggled with incontinence for years, has learned from his little sister.  He stopped shitting himself as soon as his sister did!  No more killing the planet with diapers! Yay!

Even though a cure for Owen's Deafness was developed early in the year, Owen is so confident and happy to be who he is, he's refused the treatment.  We couldn't be prouder!  And since we moved away from his school, we've built a new School For The Deaf up here in the wilderness.  With spacious dormitories and free tuition, many of his friends and their families made the move and joined us.  One big happy Deaf kid family we are.

Also? Making all these Deaf kids lives easier is the legislation that all schoolchildren learn American Sign Language.  How cool is that? 

Remember Owen's feeding tube?  Well.  I yanked that thing on his 7th birthday.  Really!  He's been eating nutritious balanced meals without a fight since!  He even requests broccoli for dessert.  What formerly tube fed kid does that?  He's such a fucking rock star.

While Owen is in school, Al busy with hobbies, and myself busy writing and overseeing movie project, Bea spends her days with her private tutor.  How lucky we are that Gustavo was available and willing to come live with us!  Fresh from Brazil, Gustavo is teaching Bea to speak Portuguese, and would you believe he is fluent in ASL?  Those two have such a good time together.

When he isn't teaching Bea, Gustavo enjoys swimming laps in our indoor pool.  Bea just loves to watch him swim.  Don't worry.  I don't let her near the pool unsupervised. I do manage to tear myself away from my work and monitor her near the water.

Good thing I was able to fund research that led to a cure for stretch marks, saggy boobs, and cellulite.  If Gustavo weren't gay, I'm sure the sight of me in a string bikini would just be too tempting for him!

I am not so shallow that I've limited my funding to things that make me look hot.   You can also thank me for this discovery:  the combination of wine and cheesecake, when taken together, in large quantities, have dramatic health benefits.  I know!  Who knew? The cheesecake blocks damage to your liver, and the wine flushes out the calories in the cheesecake.  Why this wasn't realized years ago is a mind boggling shame.

So. That was our 2010. 

We hope that yours was just as fucking awesome.  Can't wait for 2011!

Happy Holidays!

The Elefantens.

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You want to read some REALLY funny newsletters?  Check out this shit:

This one,

This one,

This one,

And this one.

All way funnier than mine.