Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Awww Nuts. That's Just Evil. Poor. Me.



Bea attended her very first birthday party this past Sunday, for a friend at her preschool.

I do not know these Mommies at all. But. Despite being a snarky bitch, I am actually quite friendly and will talk to anyone.

I realized very quickly that I am not at all like some of these normie Mommies.

I am not at all like Poor Me Mommy;

Who decided I was the perfect person to corner and apply thick layers of her Poor Me-ness onto for having a child with a peanut allergy:

The worry.  The constant vigilance to keep child away from any nut products.  The reading of every label. The dealing with the schools, having to make accommodations.  Doctors appointments.  All the work.  All the worry. 

"You have no idea", she promises me.

Oh no honey.  You have no idea who you are talking to. If only you could read my mind.  You'd feel like a douchenozzle.

Poor her.

I'm not like this Mommy.

I am like the Mommies who want to make crude jokes about this:

The Deaf Kid Mommies would have been all over that shit.


Al put some shelves in the playroom closet for me.  Friend Sally swooned at the sight of the organized perfection that is now the playroom closet.

Owen got in on the construction action.  He learned how to work a screwdriver.  Al let him remove some strike plates from some doors downstairs.  He put them right back on.  So proud!

Owen loves his new skill.  I love the fine motor gold that is screwing and unscrewing things.

Yesterday morning I awoke to noises in the hall.

Owen, sitting on the floor, beaming proudly at me, holding up two of the three hinges that hold his door on.

We are so screwed.


Bea has been commenting on Owen's speech a lot lately;

"Mom.  You know.  Owen says stuff wrong.  He can't talk very good."

I ask her nicely not to tell him he is saying stuff wrong.

Like when he insists he went to see the movie "Magazine",

or that he loves his "Transforum" guys,

and especially not how much he is  looking forward to our "Christmas Evil" Party.



Bea and I made a batch this morning. Very simple recipe:

Powdered sugar
Chopped walnuts

We baked them and rolled them in powdered sugar until they looked like perfect little snowballs.

Bea couldn't wait to try one.

She LOVED it. Taking itty bitty bites to make it last longer.

3/4 of the way through her cookie:

"My tongue hurts.  And it's itchy."

Fucking nut allergy.

Poor me.


More Random at UnMom


  1. Poor Bea! Does she really have a nut allergy?

    P.S. I'm offering free lessons on how to tell people off. I'm SUPER GOOD at it. Trust.

  2. Nobody made a comment? Really? That's one uptight group of Moms. Some of LGs friends Moms are a tad on the straight up side. We don't hang out much. I would love to get some of them out for a beer without the kids, though. Hmmmm.

  3. I knew we were the same kind of mommy. Dirty jokes by the dozens popped into my head as I looked at those pictures. Love it.

    Your son has mastered the screw driver...mine the pocket knife. Good times.

    A nut allergy? Really? Cause you've got that kind of time to worry about shit.

  4. Totally didn't see that one coming. Tongue that hurts and is itchy. Which is probably why I laughed. Nice..maybe you can find the nut mom and tell her YOUR sob story about Bea.

    Yea, it totally looks like the kids are climbing out of a vagina. At least it looks like Bea came out head first, otherwise, I guess she would have been breach.

    I wish I was there. To hang with you. Those moms.....I'd probably not like

  5. I totally loved the vagina bouncy house! I was half expecting all 19 of the Duggar kids to come shooting out of it in rapid succession.

    As for the itchy hurt tongue..definitely not funny. I hope she was okay after some Benedryl.

  6. You and I need to figure out how to get together and go out for drinks.

  7. I really need to figure out to rent that slide for my Christmas Evil party.

    It suddenly seems imperative that that happen in order for me to truly appreciate the spirit of Christmas.

    But it doesn't look like it's in the cards.

    Poor me.

  8. those jumpy things -- how did nobody say anything. I would have been inappropriate mom and busted out w/ something so.very.wrong. You and I could totally hang. 'Course, I'd have to put down my knitting project first . . . :)

  9. All I know is that if there is a Christmas Evil party, I want in.

    You were so well behaved with Poor-Me Mommy. I probably wouldn't have said anything either, but would have kicked myself for days for letting her get away with it.

  10. OMG, I am going to banished from parties b/c I won't be able to avoid the hooha slide jokes. I can see it now. Husband will get calls at work from Dads saying his wife was inappropriate at little Rose's birthday party. Of course I'll tell him to bite me.

    Christmas Evil sounds right to me. Love you Owen. Could you head over to MommaKiss's house to switch out some faceplates and outlets?

  11. I can't believe you'd mock that Georgia O'Keefe inflatable slide. Clearly you have no taste in fine art.

    (Seriously, what *was* that supposed to be? Was it supposed to be something - a whale perhaps? - or was it just abstract and thus came out looking like girly bizness? Reminds me of Raymond's mom's sculpture from that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond...... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpppJ5ecnW8 if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

    I especially adore the picture of Bea emerging from the, erm, canal. *snort*

    Sucks that she is having a nut allergy. You have no idea how difficult that kind of life can be, to be the mom of a kid with special needs. Perhaps I could line someone up for you to talk to... how about a support group? I bet they'd let you bring your knitting along. As long as you were certain that the yarn came from farms that fed their sheep nut-and-seed-free diets, of course. Because, like I said, you have no idea how tough it is for moms of SN kids. For real.

    Were those, perhaps, Schwetty balls?

  12. That slide is something else. I would have been giggling right along with you. Let me pass you a hot whiskey to get you through the nut allergy.

  13. I'm feeling suddenly crampy looking at those pictures.

  14. I almost choked on my Doritos thanks alot!

    Those balls look yummy I make them with sugar cookie dough with cocoa powder mixed in then bake and roll in powdered sugar with red/green sprinkles in it.

  15. Well, you totally one-upped her now that you have a Deaf Kid AND a Nut Allergy kid. Shit.

    I started giggling out loud at work just looking at that picture. I'd have been unable to restrain myself seeing it in, um, action.

  16. Sorry about the tree nut allergy. It really sucks.

    The photo of the slide is killing me...

  17. Oh my god. I must have that birthing vagina slide for my apartment. I don't care that there's not enough room, I NEED it in my effing living room.

  18. *GOD I wish I could run into a mom like you at one of my kids' friends' birthday parties!!

    *I really hope Bea does NOT have a nut allergy.

    *I attend a Christmas Evil party at my in-laws every year!

  19. You are so funny and the comments are even funnier! The paragraph about Owen taking the hinges of made me laugh out loud and then my husband could appreciate that too!My daughter does some of the same things- budding carpenters eh?

  20. Fucking nut allergy? Wow. Sucks. Might blow over. Well whatdya know- I can't even write a comment without saying nut, fuck, suck, and blow.

    The cha-cha blow up bouncer is insane. And you raise a good fucking point. We moms of kids with shit are way more fun than the normies. We need to get together- all of us. Skype party??

  21. Awesome slide, it has my radfem seal of approval. I'm surprised the uptight mommy brigade didn't try to keep their precious sons off of it.

    Bummer about the nut allergy. It just seems so weird to me, when we were kids no-one had friggin' nut allergies. Where is this shit coming from?

  22. gah! i would want to kill those moms!

    and that twat slide thing?!?!?! HELLOW?!?!?!??!?!!??!

  23. Oh come on, no said anything about that bounce slide thing? Really?

    Hope Bea is alright.

  24. Not only how can people not see the slide thing, how on earth can they not giggle about it? Also, if I was you, I would have said to nut-allergy mom, "Yeah, really nice not having to worry about that shit, since I controlled what went into my son's feeding tube for so long." Aaaand watch her twitch :-D

  25. I'm choking over Sunday's Duggar comment up there ^^.
    And maybe now you'll have SOME idea of what Poor Me Mommy goes through. Geesh.

  26. People didn't snicker at that slide? Really? Did you check their pulse? Maybe they're in a state of sugar deprivation, next time bring them balls.

  27. What is the slide called? Rebirth? I guess that's the one place where breech is actually encouraged.

  28. Whoever designed that slide was playing a joke on all the mommies who have white girl problems like the petty bitch you had to deal with.

  29. I'm new to blogger, but this is great!!!

    I don't know which is funnier: your blog post or the comments! I'd love to add my $0.02, but I swear an above commenter took the words right out of my mouth!

    I hope your daughter is ok. :)

  30. Aw, see now you can be with Poor Me Nut Allergy Mom and fit right in! Oh, the fun you'll have!

    And that inflate-a-slide?? That picture series right there is what's going to get me through today, man. I can just giggle thinking about the irony of it.

    I think I'll go look at it one more time before returning to my regularly scheduled program, work. Thanks for the laughs!

  31. Really? REALLY? I *never* get invited to the inflatable lady parts parties.

    Now I just feel like a loser.

  32. Holy Shit! I sit here in my office cracking ass up at this post! I am Annabelle's BFF (she's been telling me to read your blog) and I have been!! LOVE IT, but this...this one made me crack up all over the place! I avoid functions with other mommy's because of this here. I was 1st made aware of "the other mother's" when I was preggo with my 1st. Sitting in the waiting room all knocked up DID NOT MEAN that I wanted to share OR listen to what the other knocked up bitches had to say! I am soooo the mom that would have been on the slide to avoid actually hearing all those other mom's whine! BLECH! But the pics, oh HELL YES...that's a V-Judy turned into a slide if I EVA SAW ONE!!!

  33. I would have been there right along with you and the va-jay-jay slide!!

    Nut allergy... poor you, how are you going to cope? At least you can still have your wine around, it was not produced in any factory that may have encountered any nuts. Wait. What? Never mind.

    Happy day friend.

  34. Ooh another recipe for tasty balls. I'm up to my elbows in nutty chocolate balls myself this morning. Good times.

    I have yet to really get involved in anything that requires me to chat with other moms out there. We're about to sign up the kid for a gymnastics/tumbling type class and I'm a little worried. Worried I might guffaw/curse/throw inanimate objects at the clucking my-kid-is-perfect hens of the world.

  35. Seriously - a nut allergy and you're just finding out? Hope fully it's just walnuts. Poor chile.

    My momma makes something similar. Calls them mexican wedding cakes. Maybe mexicans are tiny or something? Or she just assumes they're tiny? Anyway - she also makes peanut butter balls that are TO DIE FOR and my fucking peanut allergy house can't have them EVAR!!!I Cry.

  36. That is a vulgar slide- Those balls look good- you shouldn't have them in the house- send em to us!

  37. Hey slut! Can't wait to make more cookies!! I didn't know vaginas came in blue...and I'm in the biz...that's what he said?

  38. Oh...I did not see that coming.

    I know just what you mean.

    Not the poor me, part, but the realization.

    The exact thing I remember saying, when each of my 3 boys first complained of itching, burning lips and "feeling funny" after nuts?

    "oh, fuck...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck."

  39. "Douchenozzle" I always learn something here.


  40. how appropriate! sliding out of a vajajay for a BIRTHday party. ha. are you sure the mom who organized it isn't secretly snarky? love that owen has a screwdriver skill. it will come in handy some day when you get locked out of a room and need to get in. my daughter demonstrated this skill (though she's older than owen) a year ago at my mom's house. took the door right off the hinges.
    i think we make those same cookies...for some reason we call them russian tea cookies. they are yummy---but not for nut allergies. poor bea!

  41. Mothers of deaf kids tend to have better senses of humor, hmmm? Good thing I fall into that category. :)

    Poor you, with a daughter with a nut allergy. I don't know how you'll cope.

  42. You are hilarious. I grabbed your button and am now following you.

  43. How do I always forget how funny you are in between visits. Unscrewing the hinges is so something my son would do. Sorry about the nut allergy, one more thing huh?

  44. Not gonna lie, it looks like she's coming out of a vag in that jumper picture thing. A vag with a long tongue.

    Can I come to the christmas evil party? I promise my balls will be nut free (hoping it's just a lil reaction and not a full blown nut allergy. prayin')

  45. Your comedic timing just keeps getting better and better.

    So much to comment on here, but I just have to say, I wonder where I learned newly formed awesome words before I started reading you.

    Douchnozzle. Love it. Will use it soon. I'll link you and everyone will think I am calling you a douchenozzle.

  46. I'm sorry, but were those children spreading blue labia to swoosh from a 30 foot vagina? Why is there no photo of you just sticking an arm out and giving the finger to the tree-hugging-wooly sock-wearing pity mongers?

  47. I totally would have been the rude mother, who couldn't have kept her mouth shut on what that slide looked like. And I probably never would have been invited to another child's birthday again....

  48. Because every little girl wants a turn on the BE THE TAMPON slide. But why does it have Chuckles the Clown pubic hair? I also want to work douchenozzle into conversation tomorrow. Oh, wait. Just thinking about the sliders place. In the summers here, they also have water slides. So does the giant 40' vagina of fun turn into a water slide with one twist of the douchenozzle?


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