Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like; Fuck You Friday - Christmas Edition!

Upon cracking open a bottle of wine this evening, I weighed my options for drunken activities; drunken writing of Christmas Cards, or drunken wrapping of presents.

Yes. I'm done shopping.  Suck it.

Drunken blogging was not an option because, I just don't feel like it.

But I will share this drunken post from last year that still cracks my shit up.

Originally posted Dec. 17, 2009

*clink*


*******

I am not very bright.

For any of you who thought me of even average intelligence, feel free to reassess that notion after seeing what I bought Owen for Christmas:

This is of course the Electronic Wolverine Battle Claw. With a flick of the wrist the claws extend with a super cool sound effect "Thwap!".

No, not smart of me at all. I fear that Bea will soon be sporting a shiny new prosthetic eye. A small price to pay for making the boy happy.

While wrapping it up, Al and I enjoyed a chuckle at the little warning sticker on the inside of the claw:

Caution: Do not poke or jab with claw.

Just look at the thing. This is a toy clearly intended for gentle caresses and love pats; a tickle fight perhaps? But poking and jabbing?

Come on, what person, what male particularly, would want to enhance the strength and size of any appendage and then go about poking and jabbing things with it? Just about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Methinks that Hasbro needs to do some more market research and find out what really excites young boys.

Poking and jabbing.  Sheesh.  My sweet little angel?  I'm insulted.

So.  I thought I might enhance my gift wrapping abilities with this little gadget:

This fucking thing drove me nuts. It wouldn't stay put on my fucking hand and the tape kept sneaking back inside requiring me to take it off and fish the fucking block of tape out and try to unstick one piece and then place it back in the fucking doohickey without that piece falling back down and sticking again.

So not worth it.

Then I tried using it sober.

Works great.

Yes, the wrapping is all done. Present piles have been compared an appear to be equal for each child. Stocking stuffers are patiently waiting to be stuffed.

Only two presents left to wrap; jammies to be opened on Christmas Eve. Special jammies. Spiderman jammies for Owen, snuggly kitty cat jammies for Bea.

Jammies that I can't fucking find. I've looked everywhere.

I even looked in Al's closet where I found MY bag of gifts.

I didn't peek! Can you believe it?

I pinky swear I didn't look. I think I know what I'm getting anyway. I better fucking be getting one (a Flip video camera, yes I did get one). I only found one online on sale and sat Al down at the computer, handed him the debit card and left him alone to do his business.

So, no surprise gift for me.

I did get a surprise last week though, along with a gentle reminder that the Universe has a warped sense of humor or maybe just hates me.

Remember this post? (Too lazy to fix that post and link it. It was all about fucking dog puking in our bed at 2am and me seeking ideas on how to dispose of her.)

Two days later I awoke to a puddle of dog piss next to my bed. That I stepped in.

The dog that has never peed in the house in 9 years hosed the entire upstairs. She did it again the next day. I stepped in it again.

I suspected diabetes and informed Al that I would NOT be taking care of a diabetic fucking dog. NO WAY NO WAY NO FUCKING WAY.

$130 trip to the vet with blood work and everything and a phone call today with the diagnosis of:

Fucking Doggie Diabetes.

The motherfucking vet skipped right past;

Well, it looks like it is her time, so when you are ready to bring her in and say goodbye just let me know,

and dove straight into;

It looks like you are going to be saddled with another sick fucking thing to take care of with fucking daily insulin injections, medical supplies, blood tests, and frequent vet visits.

Sorry kids,

I'm returning all of your presents and getting you a not dead dog for Christmas.

35 comments:

  1. love the drunk post. and i've wondered about that stupid tape thing. i am almost done w/ christmas shopping.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's funny and I want an update on last years Christmas present....did anyone lose an eye? Any interesting stories to tell?

    I'm all done shopping and everything is wrapped. Yes, I'm that good. (the rest of my life is in shambles though)

    ReplyDelete
  3. How is Miss Olive these days?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Drunk present-wrapping? Oh yeah. That would take away some of the pain. Maybe you could wear the Claw while wrapping presents (drinking optional) and see if the tape thing-y works better.

    *ducks and runs for cover*

    ReplyDelete
  5. I second Titanium's idea. Smart girl.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Holy crap you're fucking funny. I don't care if that was a compliment. Suck it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just can't even fathom the toy maker who had the balls to go into the boss and say "I've got this fabulous idea..."

    How long did that thing stay together?

    Cheers to having your shopping done (bitch).

    ReplyDelete
  8. I would love to be the recipient of a drunk-written card from you.

    I use that pop-up tape thingy, too... but I can't wear it for long. I must have unusually large man-hands or something 'cause after a few minutes the elastic starts cutting off the circulation in my hand!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Damn those tape-accessories...WTH? I love, love your drunk post and it's just what I needed to read tonight!

    That claw-thing? My son would have LOVED it, and my daugher would have lost an eyeball. For sures.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are a fun an funny one when drunk. Maybe I should drink and blog and I would blog more. But I tend to drink and sleep.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Only blogged drunk once or twice, myself. One was so silly, I deleted it in the sober light of day. Wish I had kept a copy, to read for shits and giggles on a gloomy day.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I don't need to get drunk to accidentally buy inappropriate gifts for my daughter, I've already lost enough brain cells to a certain college activity. At least I wasn't the one that thought a giant life-size Barbie doll was a good idea. That thing freaks her out every time she wakes up in the middle of the night. I also don't need to be drunk for my wrapping paper jobs to look all frumply. That's why I need that tape! I've actually been wanting it for years, but keep forgetting to get it before wrapping begins (refer back to the college activity).

    ReplyDelete
  13. If I send my dog to you on a "vacation" could you "take care of" her for me? Hint hint, wink wink. I'd pay. But you can't tell my friends who still love their dogs and who think I am a traitor for defecting and switching to children. The bitch woke me up three nights in a row this week to go outside. Three. And my fucking kids sleep through the night, thank you very fucking much. Stupid dog.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ugh, nothing ruins a holiday like having a sick dog vomit under your Christmas tree.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Rebbecca (is that cousin?) wants to know if you have any more interesting Christmas stories... :-)

    I almost got a good start on shopping last night.

    ReplyDelete
  16. John got me that tape dispenser last year thinking it would help me. After the fifth time of taking it apart to fish out the tape, reassembling it back together, and then repeating with curses, it reminded me of that piece of lint on the carpet that doesn't get picked up by the vacuum. So you bend down, pick it up, drop it again, and then bring the vacuum back over the spot to finish the job.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Apparently feedburner decided I needed this today instead of last night, because I just got it. Fucking feedburner. But still...it was needed TODAY, and Holy shit and I'm laughing my balls off. I did the same thing a few years ago with the Hulk Smash fists for spawn #2 and actually had to explain to him why they were out of the original packaging. LMFAO...bad mommy.

    You are welcome to do more drunk shit often & I for one think you are fucking brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
  18. The thought of you drinking is killing me.

    Mostly because I was up celebrating my sister's new job a little too late last night and it hurts to read.

    So, drinking is bad. Well, right now it is. Ask me again at 5 o'clock.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'd euthanize your dog myself to get on your Christmas card list.

    ReplyDelete
  20. As soon as I saw the Wolverine claw pop up in my google reader, I fondly remembered this post from last year. Love the toy makers and their genius that keeps the Consumer Product Safety Commission busy at this time of year.

    And please tell me I am not alone...
    Each and every time I see the damn ASPCA commercials with Willie Nelson or Sarah Maclachlan singing, I have to turn the channel. Not b/c the weepy looking animals make me sad but b/c my own dogs look at them with envy and I can't keep explaining why their life is better since they didn't make it on the commercial.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Well, there was no story of losing an eye, so I suspect that didn't happen. But you have the dog that just won't die. Seriously, a year with diabetes? Enough already. Take a dirt nap.

    ReplyDelete
  22. hey there sis! I'm reading regular like now...do I get a prize?

    ReplyDelete
  23. and i gotta change that name...it sucks

    ReplyDelete
  24. I declare drunken posts to be your forte! But I'm kind of jealous you have your shit together and all the presents are bought. And speaking of taking care of sick things, I'm home all day with a sick kid who has pink eye and can't go to preschool. This was supposed to be my gift shopping day!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I LOVE the drunk post!! Everyone should do at least one drunk post!!

    ~shoes~

    ReplyDelete
  26. Great drunken post- Those claws I am guessing are somewhere broken and unloved-

    ReplyDelete
  27. haha...i totally need to get me some of those claws...but i imagine we would be blowing up our insurance with the boys..

    ReplyDelete
  28. Even sober, wrapping presents is not for the weak of heart. As for the wolverine claws, may as well just hand your son a pair of scissors and tell him to run with them. We have a holiday tradition of trips to the emergency room on Christmas day.

    ReplyDelete
  29. HA! I haven't even begun shopping. So, suck it, right back! ;-)

    P.S. I do realise that is nothing to brag about. Can't blame me for trying.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I am sooooo sorry about your sweet doggie. That totally bites. Have you already begun the shots, etc? How soon will she start to improve? How often will you have to take her in for labs, etc?

    ReplyDelete
  31. I remember this post. I also remember last Christmas morning at your house.

    Cause I've got super duper bloggy love for you.

    I'm sure our cat has type II diabetes and renal failure. But no vet. I'll just keep feeding him till he falls over happy and ded

    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  32. A friend of mine just posted this on FaceBook and I thought of you. Look at this guy's mad ASL skills!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-F5fczjCUk&feature=player_embedded#!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Oh, that was wonderful.."tried it sober, works great."

    I missed this last year, I hadn't met you through Love That Max yet.

    Thanks for the vintage.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Dude, I would totally wrap all my gifts in garbage bags if I could get away with it.

    ReplyDelete

Use Your Words.