I'm Alive and Thankful. Look At My Balls and Congratulate The Winner!

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Last Wednesday evening I attended two wakes, at opposite ends of town, in a windy rainstorm.

The first was for Marian.  In twelve years, I've never attended a service for a resident.  I only stayed long enough to kneel in front of her urn, say goodbye, and give her daughter a hug.

I cried across town to pay my respects to my friend's mother who passed away in her sleep early Thanksgiving morning.

The receiving line stretched out the door.  Whispers about how good she looked as folks walked by her casket;  the unspoken  'For a dead person'  echoed from every whisper.

I stayed an hour watching videos, talking to her family and friends.

I had a hard time maneuvering Al's stupid truck out of the overfull parking lot.  I never drive the big stupid truck, but Al needed my car for the kids.

I white knuckled it out of the lot and onto the winding road, in the wind and the rain.  I turned the radio on to whatever station Al listened to last; I wasn't dicking around to find a station I like.  I don't listen to the radio in my car.  Ever. Only CDs.

After a commercial, what is the first song I hear, on my way home from TWO WAKES?

Alive.

I'm not making it up.  'Cause if I was, I would have chosen this song.

Thanks Universe.

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Thanks Nubian.

I thought you were going to send me a card when you asked for my address.  Not this:

Two advent calendars (which I have been meaning to get for the kids but am a total slacker).

A cool CD for the kids.

And the sweetest little beaded elephant crafted by Zulu women. 

What a great surprise.  I won't mention the nice stuff she wrote in her card.

I'll just say that I'm ever surprised and thankful for the connections and community that blogging has brought me.

And presents don't suck either.

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Balls.

I like them.

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And the moment you've all been waiting for.  The winner of the pretty pink earrings.

First, you people are a fucking riot.  Honorable mentions;

Most inappropriate:

drollgirl said...

these earrings would look lovely next to my nakedness, and they would compliment my delicate erect pink nipples as we gleam together in the moonlight.

Most drunk:

Patty said...

I'm not gonna lie... I'm commenting solely because I'm fucking drunk right now. Drunk on wine because I'm still up prepping for this fucking birthday party on Saturday for my soon-to-be 4-year old. My husband said, "invite his school friends, only 1 or 2 max will show up". I objected because I was happy with our normal parties with 3 kids max, and lots of adults and beer and wine. But Nooo, I had to listen to my moronic husband and invite the whole goddamn class.

Guess how many RSVP's... 8, EIGHT, 8 out of 11 kids are coming, plus siblings, and parents... F-U-C-K M-E!!! So Yes, I most definitely deserve those pretty-ass earrings, or necklace, or whatever the fuck it is. Because after all my food, soda, and wine is gone from the party, at least I'll have the earrings. The earrings that I'll probably never wear, but will regift to someone who will really appreciate them. So yeah, just go ahead and ship that shit to me... now.

P.S. I had to proofread this shit 3 times to get rid of all the drunken typos. Like I said, ship that shit to me already.

And the winner of the twinkly sparkly dangly pinkness:

Inner Toddler:

I have super short hair and a handsome jaw structure and if I don't wear sparkly pink earrings people think I'm a dike. which is fine. but now that I'm pregnant people wonder where I got the sperm. then my kids start asking about sperm and it's enough already. Just send the pretty earrings so my husband and I can live our lives. your sister does have a great rack. see, the short hair talking.

May they compliment your masculine jaw and prevent further speculation about the team for which you play.

Send me your address and Sis will pop them in the mail.

And for the rest of you losers, my sister was kind enough to offer you a discount on her stuff, good through the end of the year.

Just type in this coupon code:

tulpenmuffin3

and get 30% off anything in her shop.

Please do go and buy something from her.  The Universe has chosen her to be its bitch and she recently took another kick to the crotch.  She could use a little cheering up. 

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