Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I'm Alive and Thankful. Look At My Balls and Congratulate The Winner!

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Last Wednesday evening I attended two wakes, at opposite ends of town, in a windy rainstorm.

The first was for Marian.  In twelve years, I've never attended a service for a resident.  I only stayed long enough to kneel in front of her urn, say goodbye, and give her daughter a hug.

I cried across town to pay my respects to my friend's mother who passed away in her sleep early Thanksgiving morning.

The receiving line stretched out the door.  Whispers about how good she looked as folks walked by her casket;  the unspoken  'For a dead person'  echoed from every whisper.

I stayed an hour watching videos, talking to her family and friends.

I had a hard time maneuvering Al's stupid truck out of the overfull parking lot.  I never drive the big stupid truck, but Al needed my car for the kids.

I white knuckled it out of the lot and onto the winding road, in the wind and the rain.  I turned the radio on to whatever station Al listened to last; I wasn't dicking around to find a station I like.  I don't listen to the radio in my car.  Ever. Only CDs.

After a commercial, what is the first song I hear, on my way home from TWO WAKES?

Alive.

I'm not making it up.  'Cause if I was, I would have chosen this song.

Thanks Universe.

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Thanks Nubian.

I thought you were going to send me a card when you asked for my address.  Not this:


Two advent calendars (which I have been meaning to get for the kids but am a total slacker).

A cool CD for the kids.


And the sweetest little beaded elephant crafted by Zulu women. 

What a great surprise.  I won't mention the nice stuff she wrote in her card.

I'll just say that I'm ever surprised and thankful for the connections and community that blogging has brought me.

And presents don't suck either.

*******

Balls.









I like them.

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And the moment you've all been waiting for.  The winner of the pretty pink earrings.



First, you people are a fucking riot.  Honorable mentions;

Most inappropriate:

drollgirl said...

these earrings would look lovely next to my nakedness, and they would compliment my delicate erect pink nipples as we gleam together in the moonlight.

Most drunk:

Patty said...

I'm not gonna lie... I'm commenting solely because I'm fucking drunk right now. Drunk on wine because I'm still up prepping for this fucking birthday party on Saturday for my soon-to-be 4-year old. My husband said, "invite his school friends, only 1 or 2 max will show up". I objected because I was happy with our normal parties with 3 kids max, and lots of adults and beer and wine. But Nooo, I had to listen to my moronic husband and invite the whole goddamn class.

Guess how many RSVP's... 8, EIGHT, 8 out of 11 kids are coming, plus siblings, and parents... F-U-C-K M-E!!! So Yes, I most definitely deserve those pretty-ass earrings, or necklace, or whatever the fuck it is. Because after all my food, soda, and wine is gone from the party, at least I'll have the earrings. The earrings that I'll probably never wear, but will regift to someone who will really appreciate them. So yeah, just go ahead and ship that shit to me... now.

P.S. I had to proofread this shit 3 times to get rid of all the drunken typos. Like I said, ship that shit to me already.

And the winner of the twinkly sparkly dangly pinkness:

Inner Toddler:

I have super short hair and a handsome jaw structure and if I don't wear sparkly pink earrings people think I'm a dike. which is fine. but now that I'm pregnant people wonder where I got the sperm. then my kids start asking about sperm and it's enough already. Just send the pretty earrings so my husband and I can live our lives. your sister does have a great rack. see, the short hair talking.

May they compliment your masculine jaw and prevent further speculation about the team for which you play.

Send me your address and Sis will pop them in the mail.

And for the rest of you losers, my sister was kind enough to offer you a discount on her stuff, good through the end of the year.

Just type in this coupon code:

tulpenmuffin3

and get 30% off anything in her shop.

Please do go and buy something from her.  The Universe has chosen her to be its bitch and she recently took another kick to the crotch.  She could use a little cheering up. 

*******

39 comments:

  1. Yippie to the winner and big laughs at the funny comments! Loved them!

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  2. Congrats to the winner. But this whole "like her store, remember your password" thing reminded me why I like Movie the best. She doesn't make me work for it.

    The BeeGees? Really?

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  3. Nice balls. Why didn't I win the earrings? Oh yeah, I didn't enter. I never win anything. I think because of that.

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  4. I like balls too.

    BTW, I have a cd from the African collection and I LOVE it! My kid, meh.

    But the elephant. THAT is awesome. Yes, bloggers make good friends. Amen.

    But a big fat FRICK for not winning. Congrats dyke jaw! I mean Inner Toddler. and yes, I'm a sore loser.

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  5. Congrats Inner Toddler!

    Sigh. Wish I could wear super short hair.

    Pearl Jam rocks. So do the Bee Gees. I think that makes me eclectic. Or bipolar. Or both.

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  6. I do like your balls and the comments? awesome.

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  7. Who knew balls could be festive! I'm checking hubs when he gets home...he must be hiding something from me!

    Pink and I are not real close, or I'd have entered. *LIES* Ok, ok, I never enter anything, really. But I'm looking into your sis's shop. Teenage whiner, err daughter is hot on jewelry. Girlie girls...bite me!

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  8. Congrats Inner Toddler.
    I didn't enter because I don't have pierced ears anymore and I figure if I won, that could be considered a dick move.
    I like your balls.
    I also like your decorating. I guess I expect everyone with a foul mouth to have a ghetto-fabulous house like my own... complete with Charlie Brown Christmas tree (like my own)

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  9. Yay for the discount! Give her a hug for me. I think I may be shopping today.

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  10. OH,and I love your balls, they are so cute.

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  11. So happy it all arrived in one piece. Have not been having much luck with the post office lately ~ hence all the fragile stamps on your package.

    Happy Tuesday!

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  12. I wish I had balls like you! ;)

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  13. Woo Hoo! Honorable mention for MOST DRUNK!! My family will be so proud of me. Or umm, something like that.

    Congrats to the winner, sounds like she definitely needs them more than me.

    And I love the elephant balls. Classic!!

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  14. Thank you for sharing your balls with us. I like balls, too.

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  15. But... would it have killed you to come up with a "most useless and therefore awesome" comment award to give me? Pssh. Whatever....

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  16. First, I love your balls. Okay?
    Second, Patty is an effing riot. I must check out her blog to see if she's just as funny sober. It would really suck if she wasn't.
    And.. I have a hand-crafter's column on my blog (it's called The Handmade's Tale) that I am about to take out of retirement. I am interested in featuring your sister, if she's into the idea. I'll send you an email about it little later today.

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  17. I love balls too. Quite a contest you had going. That must have been a difficult decision!

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  18. I love you and your sister. email with address forthcoming.

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  19. The entries are hilarious! I always get a laugh when I come by here. And I usually really need it. Now off to check out the jewelry! =)

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  20. Love that package from Nubian!! So cool. Gifts of the blogiverse are the best.

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  21. I really like what you've done with your balls ;)))))

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  22. Wow, when they say to grow a pair, you take it seriously, don't you? The elephants are jealous..

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  23. Nice balls, nice rack, good heuvos.

    Just think if you could get some real elephant balls for the collection! Now that would be so full of the awesome.

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  24. I too love your balls. I always do. LOL! As for the winner...*sigh*...bitch. Just kidding. Mostly. Ok, maybe not.

    Am also glad that you are still alive.

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  25. I love that you picked the best comment rather than going with the random bullshit. Much more entertaining though I totally forgot to come back and say something hysterical. Congrats to the winner.
    Also, not sure how patient or resourceful Bea is, but my kid cleaned out his advent calendar and half of his sisters while I was in the shower.

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  26. You know crotch kicks are my shopping weakness, don't you?

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  27. I like the Pearl Jam song- and happen to think it is as appropriate as any after two wakes- I am so sorry for your friends mom- I think you mentioned she was only 53-I have been kinda sad about Elizabeth Edwards passing- only because her youngest is my oldest age and I am sad for her children.
    I would hate to drive a truck- I like my car and I like to bump it into things.
    I didn't enter your giveaway- I only wear diamond studs or pearls- it's true.

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  28. Is it weird that I like your death stories? Because I do.

    I'll meander over and see if Sis makes any other types of jewelry. Alas, my ears are not pierced.

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  29. I'll be over to your sister's, and congrats to the winner!!!!

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  30. Your balls are awesome. Not as awesome as your new elephant though.

    That elephant rocks.

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  31. I agree, the elephant rocks. The balls are not bad, either.
    The winner sounds like she really, really needed those earrings, so I won't whine. Much.

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  32. YOur sister is really talented!

    Merry Christmas. Sorry about the deaths of friends!

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  33. bahahah! the winner TOTALLY DESERVED IT!!!!!!

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  34. Well Damn! I even used swear words in my post and I still didn't win.

    Me sad.

    But, kudos to the winner...cause I'm not a sore loser.

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  35. ok, so the comment about nipples? i almost choked!

    do we all get 30 % off w/ that code, or just the winner? i'm confused....

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  36. i should have won those earrings, guess i'll have to go over there and buy myself something now. and all i sent you was a card, not a gift. cause i suck. and that zulu elephant would have been hard to beat.

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  37. p.s. I can totally see Zooey D. playing you in the movie.

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  38. p.s.s. just bought myself and early xmas present to myself. from your sis' shop. thanks for the coupon code!

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