Laptop is not a month old and 'N' key has popped off. I dick around, try to pop it back on, give Al a go at it. It is just not happening.
Decide: Who eeds a fuckig ' ' ayway. Oe ca fuctio just fie without a ' ' key right?
Make dreaded call to manufacturer, at most opportune time, with Owen home sick from school, and Bea her usual three year old self. Yay me.
"Thank you for choosing Hell, my name is Kevin, how may I help you today?"
"Yeah, hi Sanjay. So, I've had my Hell laptop for barely a month and the 'N' key has popped off. I can't get it back on."
"I am so sorry to be hearing this, I will be happy to assist you. So you say your computer will not turn on?"
"No. I. Said. The. 'N'. Key. Popped. Off. And. I. Can't. Get. It. Back. On."
"I am so sorry to be hearing this. 'N' as in Nancy?"
"Or nitwit yes. 'N'."
"Ok. I will be happy to assist you in this. I will transfer you to our hardware department. Will be just a minute. Here is a number to call in case we get disconnected."
Minutes 2-27: On Hold.
Make kids' snack.
Do load of laundry.
Wipe kid's ass.
Look online for do it myself key replacing instructions, and realize that Hell computers must have trained pygmy marmosets to assemble keyboards as no human fingers could possibly manipulate things this small.
Treat children to rendition of;
"Human being, human being, pick up the line! Pick up the line! Please to be fixing my laptop, please to be fixing my laptop. Very soon, very soon." To the tune of Frere Jacques.
Ponder existence of fruit fly swarm that has taken up residence in kitchen as no actual fruit has been in residence in kitchen in weeks.
Take a piss.
Read some blogs.
Love this (thanks to this lady)
Listen to Owen whine about wanting to play Wii which has been broken for months.
Figure out why Wii hasn't been working in months.
Turns out jamming TWO discs into Wii will cause it to not work.
Actual human voice comes from phone;
"Hello, Ms. Elefanten, my name is Jared, how may I assist you today?"
"Hi Sanjay. The 'N', as in nitwit, key has popped off my laptop's keyboard. I can't get it back on."
"I'm so sorry to be hearing this, I will be happy to get this taken care of for you. Allow me to connect you with a technician, if you would hold just a min-"
"NO!! No more hold! I've been on hold for 13 hours! Please to be not putting me on hold Sanjay! Pleeeeeaaassseee!"
"I am so sorry. Will only be a minute."
Minutes 28 - 39: On Hold.
Play game of Wii bowling.
Play game of killing scary creatures on Wii.
Ponder long neglected crack habit.
"Hello Ms. Elefanten. We are able to offer you two options to fix your laptop. You can send us the laptop and we will send you a new one in two to three weeks, OR, we can have a technician from Hell come to you and fix the key in two to three days."
"Send him on over Sanjay."
I just want the thing working ASAP.
And the kids will get such a kick out of seeing a real live pygmy marmoset.