Wednesday, November 3, 2010

39 Minutes In Hell

Laptop is not a month old and 'N' key has popped off.  I dick around, try to pop it back on, give Al a go at it. It is just not happening.

Decide: Who eeds a fuckig ' ' ayway.  Oe ca fuctio just fie without a ' ' key right?

Ummm.  ope.

Make dreaded call to manufacturer, at most opportune time, with Owen home sick from school, and Bea her usual three year old self.  Yay me.

"Thank you for choosing Hell, my name is Kevin, how may I help you today?"

"Yeah, hi Sanjay.  So, I've had my Hell laptop for barely a month and the 'N' key has popped off. I can't get it back on."

"I am so sorry to be hearing this, I will be happy to assist you.  So you say your computer will not turn on?"

"No.  I.  Said.  The.  'N'.  Key.  Popped. Off.  And.  I.  Can't.  Get.  It.  Back. On."

"I am so sorry to be hearing this.  'N' as in Nancy?"

"Or nitwit yes.  'N'."

"Ok.  I will be happy to assist you in this.  I will transfer you to our hardware department.  Will be just a minute.  Here is a number to call in case we get disconnected."

Minutes 2-27:  On Hold.

Make kids' snack. 

Do load of  laundry. 

Wipe kid's ass. 

Look online for do it myself key replacing instructions, and realize that Hell computers must have trained pygmy marmosets to assemble keyboards as no human fingers could possibly manipulate things this small.

Treat children to rendition of;

"Human being, human being, pick up the line! Pick up the line!  Please to be fixing my laptop, please to be fixing my laptop. Very soon, very soon."  To the tune of Frere Jacques.

Ponder existence of fruit fly swarm that has taken up residence in kitchen as no actual fruit has been in residence in kitchen in weeks.

Take a piss.

Read some blogs.

Love this (thanks to this lady)

Listen to Owen whine about wanting to play Wii which has been broken for months.

Figure out why Wii hasn't been working in months.

Turns out jamming TWO discs into Wii will cause it to not work.

Actual human voice comes from phone;

"Hello, Ms. Elefanten, my name is Jared, how may I assist you today?"

"Hi Sanjay.  The 'N', as in nitwit, key has popped off my laptop's keyboard.  I can't get it back on."

"I'm so sorry to be hearing this, I will be happy to get this taken care of for you.  Allow me to connect you with a technician, if you would hold just a min-"

"NO!!  No  more hold! I've been on hold for 13 hours!  Please to be not putting me on hold Sanjay!  Pleeeeeaaassseee!"

"I am so sorry.  Will only be a minute."

Minutes 28 - 39: On Hold.

Play game of Wii bowling.

Play game of killing scary creatures on Wii.

Ponder long neglected crack habit.

"Hello Ms. Elefanten. We are able to offer you two options to fix your laptop.  You can send us the laptop and we will send you a new one in two to three weeks, OR, we can have a technician from Hell come to you and fix the key in two to three days."

"Send him on over Sanjay."

I just want the thing working ASAP. 

And the kids will get such a kick out of seeing a real live pygmy marmoset.


  1. John used to do help desk for Dell. Most of the time, the questions he got were inane, but sometimes?
    "Yeah, I can't get my drink tray to work."
    Yes, there really are people who think the harddrive is a drink tray.

  2. LMAO!! I LOVE it when those obviously Indian-accented people have names like Kevin or Bob...

    Oddly enough, when you wrote that part and excluded the 'n's, I understood it quite well... I wonder what that says about me!


  3. Can you call my thermostats manufacture for me- such a pro!

  4. I literally just had a little bit of my coffee squirt out of my nose with this one. HIlarious.

    My dad always asks "kevin" aka sanjay where he is, "Miami, Florida". Then he asks how the weather is there. "oh very much snowing today."

  5. Will you video the pygmy marmoset fixing the n key for me, please? I want to see, too. They didn't give me the option, which led me to believe that that's what Santa's elves do in their off season.

  6. They always sound so pre programmed. Will say just about the same thing to every person like they have been trained to only say certain words.

    Good Luck


    Oh, I love it! I love it, all! I will never buy Gateway again, because their customer service SUCKS.

    And that movie rocks :-D

  8. Ohhhh man. I wish I did not identify with this post so much. What a nightmare.

  9. I hate the outsourced customer service. Are you kidding me? I'm betting your technician will show up in 5-7 days though. Thanks for the compliments on the costumes. Dorothy would be a snap. :D

  10. You are my hero. This was too good! I needed the laugh, and I SO am!! And the video SOOOOO rocked!!

  11. That was a productive 39 minutes! Look at all the stuff you accomplished, played, pondered, sang, washed, fixed, researched, wiped - and you got a story out of it too! Please to be calling Hell again soon!

  12. I cannot stop laughing. This part particularly slayed me, "my name is Kevin, how may I help you today?"

    "Yeah, hi Sanjay."

    I needed that belly laugh today.

    I thank you. And your defective N key.

  13. Ugghhhh. I feel you on this. At least, after ONLY 39 minutes you have some sort of possible futurish resolution that may or may not happen in 2-3 days. So it wasn't a total waste.

  14. "I am so sorry to be hearing this". Those worlds send chills up my spine. They might as well say "I'm in India and I don't give flying fuck about your problem so sit on hold and waste you bastard".

  15. You should really consider marrying a computer guy. I don't ever have to talk to the Hell guys just perform blow jobs when my computer breaks to get Jeff to fix it.

  16. PLEASE let owen sign to him and try to read his lips. Please. and get it in video.

  17. OK be only ever heard of a pygmy marmoset because of Diego.

    You need to be on hold more often. You got a ton of shit done.

  18. I swear to god this is me calling dell. LOL

  19. You know Frere Jacques will never be the same for me.

    Take pictures when the pygmy marmoset shows up.

  20. I have extensive experience with this. If you take a paper clip and put one still-rounded end in the slot that the key is supposed to go into, and bend the other end to the same height as the other keys, it might, I say might, make typing slightly easier. Somewhat. At least trying would have filled the minutes you were on hold. If you have to call back because no-one ever shows up in 2-3 days, give it a whirl.

  21. this is my life, too. my laptop is screwed up. i somehow disconnected it from out lil home network or whatever and no matter what i do, including reboot, i can't get online. so using dinosaur desktop and very frustrated. esp. since i'm about to start several days in bed and was hoping to be playing on the internetz while on pain pills.


  22. thank you-frere jacques is now stuck in my head with some very strange lyrics.

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  24. Honestly, this is one of the funniest damn things I have read in quite some time....the whole Frere Jacque song had me rolling!

    I do hope HELL comes to visit you in a timely manner...hopefully the Pgymy Marmosets are house trained.

  25. please tell me you weren't talking to the people at EMachines? I LOATH those people and their unborn children. I got a new computer for xmas last year and unfortunately I got the dreaded blue screen of death only a couple weeks into it's life. Before the entire process was over I was seriously debating buying a plane ticket to where ever the fuck they were and beating someone with a stick.

  26. Miss Elefanten:

    Going to be must telling you that are to be making everything funny for me.

    Thank you be to you.

  27. M

    these things cost too much to be treated like this!

  28. Dude, you're in hell!

    Hope Satan's minions show up promptly for you.

  29. That sounds like my last year. Too much fucking red tape, phone calls, and frustration....

    On another note, have you watched Outsourced?

    Ah, and I hate to tell you this. But that happened to my work laptop. Can't remember which letter now though. The school tech said they can't buy just a letter and they sent a whole new keypad instead....

  30. Really, you shouldn't need to ship your laptop overseas just to get a key back on.

    It should have been Q. Or that key with the little ~ nobody every touches...

    Nifty header btw.


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