Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Awesomesauce: Now With More Awesome!


Friday night.  Sister and myself drinking and cooking supper.  Kids playing in living room.

Bea calls out in whiney sing-songy I'm telling voice:

"Mom!!!  Owen said he's more awesome than me!!!"



Saturday morning, Owen has been up for who knows how long, talking to himself about his cousin Ned coming over for Halloween party.  Bea, half asleep, bumbles into living room;

Owen:  "Bea!!  Saturday today!  Ned coming!  Wear costumes and eat candy and donuts and play games and go outside and have fun!!  Ned coming!  I already write him a letter see!  This gonna be fun!!!"

Bea:  "I woke up."


Ned and his parents over Saturday for very small Halloween party. 

Sister in law Jan works in big office in big city.  Very professional.  Very big paycheck.

She tells me very funny story.

She was able to have Ned at the office on Friday for a party.  Ned dressed as Iron Man and Jan (per her team's decision) is dressed as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.  Jan is less than thrilled.

They are heading down the elevator, in full costume.  The elevator stops and lets on a woman whom Jan knows, but not well.  Polite glances and nods are exchanged. 

As the elevator starts going down, Ned, unashamed, asks his mother;

"Why does my penis tingle when the elevator moves?"


Saturday night.  First sleepover for Ned.  All three kids are in Owen's room.  Ned and Bea tucked in on air mattress on floor,  Owen in his bed next to them.  Hugs.  I love yous.

Owen's hearing aids stored away for night.

Bea and Ned are talking.  Telling stories.  Singing songs.  Owen laying there watching.  Not hearing them.  Looking sad.

I feel so bad for Owen.  This is a new thing.  The feeling bad for him.  And it is happening more and more often.  I do not like it.

So I barge into the room and start signing excitedly to Owen.  He perks right up, his face lights right up.

Because I'm signing bad words.  'Poop' and 'Fart' and how stinky Bea and Ned's butts are.  I sign and flail until my arms are sore. 


They kick me out.


Kids horse around for two hours.  I wake up at 3am to voices.  Owen is sitting up, cross legged in bed, reading a book to Ned.


Sunday, have Ned til lunchtime.  Everyone naps til suppertime.

Costumes donned, and head to friends house where large gang has convened to scour neighborhood for candy.

It is freezing cold.

Not a single decent picture is taken by me.


We get exactly two trick or treaters.

I open door to find two teenage boys with serial killer masks.

"Ummm.  I'm going to need to see some ID."

Boys start fishing around pockets.

"Hehehehe.  If you actually have ID, you're too old to be trick or treating dudes.  Take some fucking candy.  And behave yourselves tonight."


I'd dressed up as a witch with a green face.  I looked way hot.

The green wouldn't wash off all the way.

I went to work yesterday with a lovely green pallor.

People noticed.


This morning Bea shows me EMPTY candy bag.  Bag held a lot of candy when I went to work yesterday afternoon.

"Bea, where's all your candy?"

"I ate it all.  Without asking"



  1. Hmmm, who is more awesome would be a tough call, I guess.

    They kicked you out for saying bad words, huh? That says something.

  2. well shit, now i'm a little sad for owen too. not awesome.

    can't help but wonder...did you find bea in a sugar crashed coma after eating the entire bag of candy?

    favorite part? carding the kids at your door. that is priceless.

    have a day.

  3. Awesome post :) Bea is non-stop funny. You could have let them come up with IDs and confiscated them as fake.

  4. And Owen's self-talk always cracks me up.

  5. Clearly Bea is more awesome than Owen because she "ate it all without asking".

    Can you e-mail me some of your favorite links? Links about being deaf and what to do? A friend of mine has a baby that is only 6 weeks old and was just diagnosed as profoundly deaf. She's lost.

  6. not sure how many trick or treaters we had maybe only one for all I know since we weren't home and just left eh candy bowl on the porch when we returned it was empty:)

    my kids got to be those lazy kids that get drove around on a trailer as we went to tons of houses in friends big fancy neighborhood.

    Once when Wyatt was little I found a ton of candy wrappers stashed behind his tv stand, he had tried to hide the evidence! little did he know eventually mommy would clean behind there and he would get caught.

  7. awesome post. you need to scoot over to my pad and watch a lil' vidyo i posted. it may have something in it that interests you.

  8. That Bea!! "I ate it all, without asking" ~ you have seen your sign of what 16 has in store for you. Is the wine cellar stocked?

  9. you are full of the awesome.
    we had the same trick or treaters plus one baby that was terrified. she clearly wanted no part of that candy business.

  10. Ha! I love it all!

    The other day I saw a mom sitting while her deaf (but SEE/oral) son played nearby. A little girl, who had just learned and was amazed the kid couldn't hear, ran up and asked, "What's wrong with your son??" I thought of you, and the perfect opportunity to say, "Nothing! He just can't hear, but he can talk with his hands. Isn't that cool??" But mom was offended (probably she does feel there's something wrong with him) and just said, "I'm not telling you" and ignored her. Sad :(


  11. Now that is some awesome random. Love the penis story and that you had a green face. That is awesomesauce.

  12. why does my penis tingle on the elevator! OMG. hysterical! love that you had a green pallor; love that bea ate all the candy w/out asking; love that you went into owen's room and signed bad words and especially love that you carded the teens at your door! thanks for the smiles in this post.

  13. You're awesome!

    Damn, I love Bea: "I woke up."

    I can't wait to meet up so I can see you signing, with flailing arms and all.

    Also, your green face.


  14. Oh Shit- "I ate it all w/o asking" means YOU have your hands SUPER full!

    Loved all the tidbit stories!

  15. "Why does my penis tingle when the elevator moves?"
    Oh, that could work on so many levels if he were an adult so then you could make references to the elevator going down or up, but I can't make those references here because, ew!
    ANyway, I laughed. It was funny. And now I'm blushing..

  16. Sounds like an awesome Halloween. You better have committed to your visual memory since you will have no pictures. You are not awesome. I wonder if all men's penises tingle on elevators.

  17. Can't wait to squish both of the kids. Loved the candy infused texting from Owen the other night.


  18. It amazes me that 'poop' and 'fart' are funny in ANY language... LOL

    I wish my little ones were little enough to Trick~or~Treat again...

    The boogers grew up on me!!!


  19. Every time I'm in an elevator with a guy from now on, I'll be wondering, "dude, does your penis tingle?"

    Aw, who am I kidding? I wonder that all the time now.

    Seriously, no pictures of you in that witch make-up??

  20. whoa, maybe you've proven to me that an overnighter aux enfants is fun after all. maybe i can send my kids to yours though? they'd love to learn the sign language at the very least!

    but the cake stealer here is between the elevator and the green pallor.

  21. I'm a little jealous of Bea... she has ALREADY mastered the art of being an adult but without any of the adult guilt! Eating all the candy without feeling freaking apologetic about it? Love it!
    And Owen's enthusiasm for pretty much everything is just too damn sweet.

  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

  23. (that was me above. Leaving a comment from an iPhone is for the f-ing birds! But you're worth it.)

    I'm with Dani, I'm going to pay better attention to the men. Please tell me why this doesn't work for women though? Of course.

    A friend of ours taught Youngest the signs for more, please and thank you. He thinks he's the shit. Well, he is. Too bad you refuse to vlog, I could use a few new words to teach him. Come on.

    You put the awe in awesome my friend.

    The last three trick-or-treaters had to have been seniors, their deep voices, dressed in togas. I averted my eyes and shoved a fistful of candy in each bag, giggling the whole time. I'd like to think they were discussing MILFs on the way down the driveway. ; )

  24. So much here to comment on. I guess my favorite is that you cheered up Owen by signing bad words. I bet every deaf kid wishes his mom signed bad words.

  25. All hysterical. And I'm with the other ladies. I cannot wait to be in an elevator with the hubs so I can ask him if his penis tingles. He'll probably think I've lost my mind and I'll just remind him that it's been gone for a good long while now... =)

  26. The bitter and the sweet- great post. I think for me those sad moments come at times I am processing my daughters growing up and I love her with a wild love that wants her to never have pain.....

  27. Btw- love the new header/look!

  28. Bea is so awesome! Your stories of your wonderful children crack me up! They're so lucky to have a mother who appreciates how AWESOME they are.

  29. Bea is so awesome! Your stories of your wonderful children crack me up! They're so lucky to have a mother who appreciates how AWESOME they are.

  30. I've told you before: I love how you love Owen.

    Him just laying there, with his sad thoughts, then Mom comes in with her supercape and super tireless arms and flails away with bad words.

    Bad words, so perfectly perfect.

    That paragraph belongs in a movie...it is beautiful.

  31. I'm sorry, napped til suppertime? Those are just hurtful words.

  32. Sounds like one awesome Halloween weekend.

    Your kids slay me with their cuteness. And awesomeness.

  33. Oh, yes, a Dorothy costume would go nicely with your witch outfit. Would Owen be willing to be a lion, scarecrow or tin man?

    Surprisingly, our candy is sitting out on the counter. And they aren't touching it, unless they ask. How can this be I ask myself? Because they have matured? Because we can see and do a visual check of the candy and what's missing? Or maybe we're just blind and are hoping for the best?

  34. 1st, I want to bring Ned to my house, and take him around with me for a day. Just for pure entertainment. Please. 2nd, I totally forgot that Owen signs, so when I watched the video about the ASL thing, I just loved it b/c I used to teach special ed and signed all the time. I thought, "cool. another with it mom." then I came down a post and read this, and totally died laughing. I love that you are *so* crazy w/ Owen -- signing all those 'inappropriate' words to make him laugh. That.is.the.best. I should have learned some of those words instead of just 'toilet'!

  35. You are totally awesome. Owen is lucky to have you as a mom... and Bea, too.

  36. Sent her by The Empress, who loves you. She loves good people, apparently.

    This post is awesome.

    The thought of you signing bad words to cheer up your son? That is just so fabulous I don't even know what to say. That level of connection with your son? Swoon.

    I will have to make a bigger effort to connect with you.

    The Empress is right.

    She usually is.

    You are awesome.

  37. You coming into the room signing bad words to the kids...you sound like what my mama used to do. I miss her, she is no longer with us. She was awesomesauce when she was still with us.

  38. i'm here after reading your awesome interview at the claw's. this post is awesomesauce!

  39. I'm sorry for stalking this post. But, whenever I feel I have to be strengthened, I come here.

    I love how you love Owen to the point of signing bad words.

    The perfect name for your blog, bad words.

    I am addicted to this post and the visual I have of you signing till your arms are sore.

    This should be a T shirt for moms like us, who have to keep going on the tough days, "sign bad words".

    You're so wonderful.

    Merry Christmas.


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