Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Wine Numbs The Carpal Tunnel Pain

I should be used to this by now.  The beginning of the school year paperwork.  The emergency contact information, the people who are allowed to pick your child up list, the history and physical, the developmental assessment, yadda yadda yadda.

With Owen, I get double:  His own Deaf school (with the extra pages for the hearing aid info, audiologist and ORL info, and all that crap),  AND the host public school.  Twice the paperwork. 

And tonight, the night before the Meet and Greet at Bea's preschool, I'm faced with five pages of the same.

You know what goes great with this stack of paperwork?  Yep.  A bottle of wine.

Here we go:

Any relevant complications at birth?

Besides the fact that she came flying out of my hoo ha at lightening speed, whizzing past the doctor, and taking my fucking bladder with her?  No. Can't think of any.

Please briefly describe your child's daily routine:

Up between 7 and 8am.
Requests breakfast.
Refuses that which she requested.
Head spins.
Plays with imaginary friends.
Follows Mommy around tugging on clothing.
Resists getting in car to run errands.
Responds to bribes of gum if screaming ceases.
Deposits chewed bits of gum where ever she pleases.
But she's not screaming so...
More screaming, whining, bribing, so on and so forth...

Please share any helpful information about your child's bathroom, eating, and sleeping routines:

Fucking. Potty. Trained.

Eats mostly fruit and loves vegetables which makes me fairly certain that there was a mix up at the hospital and some poor woman is raising my child and trying to get her to eat anything but fucking cheese puffs.

Sleeps from  7pm to 7am.


What previous experiences has your child had with other children (e.g.: playgroup, family, programs)?

Lives with Deaf freak show of a brother who tortures her daily with his superhero antics and fartingest ass on the planet.

What are some of your child's favorite toys, activities, television programs and/or stories:

Isn't a big fan of TV despite constant attempts by Mommy to park her ass on the couch so that Mommy can dick around on computer clean the house.

Insists that Mommy play with her every second of every day.  Mommy wondering how bright child is as she should have realized by now that Mommy is a sucky playmate.


Has cast of imaginary friend characters who she talks to more than real humans and who also fart on a regular basis.

Please share some observations or briefly describe your child:

Besides the obvious fact that she's the cutest fucking thing ever to step into your class room?

Teachers find it helpful to gain information about the way families define their race, religion, and culture. Any information you would like to share about your heritage would be appreciated.

Ok. So we're middle class white Americans so culture is a moot point.

As is religion.

Race?  Human.

Other helpful information you wish to share with us?

When she's freaked out and overwhelmed she communicates in a disturbing blend of demonic baby talk and sign babble.

You'll be seeing a lot of that.

What are your goals and/or expectations for your child in the coming year?

I am looking forward to two mornings every week without the incessant whining, crying, requests, and demands.

Between the three year old Muppet demon and the 40 demented geezers at work,  I feel as though I'm being slowly pecked to death.

These few hours every week could possibly save my sanity.  If it is not too late.  Fingers crossed.

Oh.  Expectations for my child?

Don't kill her ok?

Any concerns you wish to share with us about the upcoming school year?

The F-bomb.

She's gonna drop the F-bomb.


MommaKiss is hosting Friday Flip Offs this week.  Even though I'm more of  a Fuck You kinda girl, I told her I'd link on up.


  1. I'm a FUCK YOU kinda gal, too - but I'm being a friend hosting this, so, you know, don't wanna offend the masses. Just you.

    This? "Lives with Deaf freakshow of a brother who tortures her daily with his superhero antics and fartingest ass on the planet."


    Thank Christ it wasn't your deaf muppet farting in the elevator with me. I can't handle other people's kids ass-stench.


  2. hilarious! so when Abby starts school next year will you fill out her paper work for me?

  3. Doesn't that just blow, when you try to teach them to watch TV so you can get things done, and they don't?!? Eventually Claire got hooked but I had to work on it, dammit. Hannah only wants to stand in front of the TV to block her big sister's view to piss her off.

  4. Had a dream about Deaf freakshow farting boy. Woke me up. Damnit.

    Still w/ the sleep deficit.


  5. Well, I never! Well, I guess I do :)

  6. Our "daily routines" are disturbingly similar...

    Might explain the matching end of night wine routine though... =)

  7. Thank you for starting my Friday with a belly-laugh. I'll be at the barn tomorrow if you would like to come by for a pony ride/petting session.

  8. Tell me that you really submitted these answers.

    Audrey is off of TV at the moment as well. I'm trying to get her to watch tivo'd Bachelor Pad in the a.m. so I can kill two birds with one stone.

  9. I just...I just love your blog SO MUCH.


  10. You did write that all down word for word, right? I love you.

  11. Fairly certain that if you lived in Texas we would run in the same circle. Sure, we might be the only 2 in that circle but it would validate the drinking and cussing. Plus, the kids would entertain one another with superhero stunts and whine-offs.

    So happy that you know the teachers will hear an f-bomb from Bea. My Bug drops them occasionally but prefers dammit for some reason. I've tried expalining how much more useful the f-bomb really can be but to no avail.

  12. Please tell me that you really DID turn in this set of answers. You're so classy and honest! I love how you say she's going to drop the F-bomb! Love it!

  13. I need to start filling out the damn paperwork with a bottle of wine on the table. I get to fill out the same paperwork, to hand into the same school, for both boys. I tried to fill it out once, and white out the name and date of birth, but they called me on it. Maybe next time I put different answers on one and see if they find it. Knowing me, they'd choose the fake one when an emergency happened.




    I love Bea. Can I send you a teddycam?

  15. Your post had me busting up! Hilarious =]!!

  16. I always knew we were meant to be buddies.

  17. Oh my good lord I hope you turned that in. If for nothing else than to give the teachers the only honest assesment they will ever get of a child in their class. And to give them one hell of a laugh:)

  18. They want to know all that stuff? Really? Are your schools not just holding pens like ours? Don't they discourage individuality?

  19. Can I steal some of these next week when I have to fill out Son's papers? Too Fucking funny!

  20. I wanted to do a post like this, but man, you're so good, I'll probably never do it now.

  21. I'm fairly certain that Bea and I would get along quite well. Can't wait for you to post her first progress report!

  22. I really hope you give these answers for real. lol. That is awesome. :)

    She will have so much fun!!

  23. :) I was feeling depressed today. Happy I dropped by. I love Bea. Just one question. Fuck in signs or words or both?

  24. Lol! I am certainly most tempted to copy everything written there.But with the addition of DAWDLING. My daughter seems to be the master at that. It takes forever for her to finish her cereal and all I could do was stare at the clock because we are going to be freaking late for school. lol!

  25. If I were Bea's teacher, I think I would enjoy the refreshing candor instead of the smoke usually blown up teacher's butts - like I do.

    I want to whisper "sucka" when I sneak away from Youngest's school.

  26. Aren't we all being slowly pecked to death by someone?

  27. My 21 year old daughter read this post out loud to me while I braided her hair for her night job. Her day job is as a nanny.

    We both laughed so hard we were weeping.

    Well done.

  28. I'm sure a lot of teacher's would appreciate the heads up on the F bomb.

    Two quiet mornings a week sound heavenly. I'm pretty sure I'd use them to sleep. :)

    You can fill out my school forms any day.

  29. OMG. you are so my people. Thanks for coming by on our SITS day. I am here for good.

    because you have to fill out the same effing forms every effing year.


Use Your Words.