Monday, September 6, 2010

Oops I Crapped My Pants, And Then I Had A Rainbowgasm.



On this official last day of Summer, Al and I took the kids on their first and last and only trip to the beach.

The beach which is about 9 minutes from our house.  We suck.

The weather was perfect, we prepared and packed and schlepped and spent three lovely hours playing in the surf and sand.

Al and I both took turns being buried.

A couple nice ladies in their 60's were next to us, watching with smiley faces.

After I emerged from my pile of sand, one of them pointed out to me that;

"You're gonna have a lot of sand up your butt."

"It's not my butt I'm worried about."

Man, my junk was full of sand.


Besides the fresh air, salt water, laughing children, and lovely scenery, the best thing about a day at the beach is the people watching.

I love checking out bodies.  Big ones, little ones, old ones, young ones.  The variety of shapes and sizes and the various levels of near nudity are all pleasing to my eye.

I'll ogle anyone.  And I think Al knows how lucky he is, that if someone is ogle worthy, I let him know:

"Check out the sweet rack on that chick."

"Look at those biscuits."

"Thong!!  She's wearing a thong!!"

Yep.  If you're hot and strutting the beach, you know you're being looked at.  And I'm happy to look.


I need help settling an argument 13 years in the making.

Do you crap your pants?

No.  Really.  Do you sometimes;  "Take a gamble and lose?"  And have to run home and change your soiled skivvies?

Didn't think so.

According to a certain person, whom I may or may not be married to, EVERYONE does it once in a while.  Like farting or masturbating, you may deny it, but everyone knows you really do it.

You don't right?

That's what I thought.


 I'll have what this guy is having.

Actually. I think I had A LOT of what he's having in college.


I wasn't gonna link up 'cause it is Monday, but my sister did, so there.

More random at UnMom (on Tuesday that is).


  1. I went to the beach once. Did I go into the water? Nope. I'm a dumbass.

    That rainbow video was around a while ago. So freaking funny.

  2. Nails on a chalkboard to me when you mentioned 'sand in the junk'

    What I would give to be a part of conversations you and Al have!

    Where the hell do you find these video clips!! Love it!

  3. I had a few double rainbows in college as well. That video of Graham laughing is the best. He has the greatest laugh. Glad you guys had a fun weekend.

  4. Okay I won't readily admit this, but this stupid diet I'm on makes me gassy. Don't tell anyone, okay? it's just between us. and husband. it makes me giggle.

    Oh, and once about ummmm 10 minutes I mean years ago I was at my moms house and 'thought' I had to fart. Yeah. Not okay. thank god I was wearing those tight spandex workout clothes, I could run I mean hobble with my knees crossed down to my bedroom and kinda peel them off into the potty.

    I've never EVER told anyone that so please don't tell. Okay? I'd be totally embarrassed if anyone thought bams shit her pants.

  5. Just recently, I sharted while walking home from dinner. it was Vietnamese. I blame the MSG.

  6. Sharted-
    That's funny-
    Nope never happen to me-

  7. Just may have crapped my pants laughing at your post! But I only did it so Al wouldn't feel like such a jackass...emphasis on the 'ass' and include shit stuck to his cheeks.

  8. I once sharted while sick with a bad case of norovirus-caused gastroenteritis. I had left work early because I wasn't feeling well and had been going downhill quickly and was driving home with wicked abdominal cramps while calculating the distance between my car and the nearest public restroom in case I couldn't make it home (because really, who wants to funk up a public bathroom when one can explode in the privacy and comfort of their own home?). The cramping got so bad that I gave up and had just pulled over in the mall's parking lot to get to a restroom when blammo. I had hoped it was just gas and I could relieve a little pressure and ease the cramps, but it wasn't just gas.

    I then turned around in the parking lot and raced home (a 10-12 minute drive from the mall that I did in 5 minutes that day) as fast as possible. Managed to get myself and all the evidence cleaned up/thrown out (yeah, wasn't wearing those undies or tights again) before Hubby came home, so my secret was safe. Oy.

    ON a more pleasant and less TMI note, I love Double Rainbow Guy! Have you heard the song version of that video? It's here:

    So intense!

  9. No, NEVER, and it never occured to me that someone (who wasn't horribly ill) could, either!

    Until one person, who I may be married to, did.


    Never. Definitely not. Not me. Sorry anonymous male who disagrees with you, but you're wrong about everyone.

  10. I got to go to women only Labor Day weekend at the North Shore beach house this weekend, leaving my family to fend for themselves.

    Hubs was in Vegas with guys on bachelor party trip.

    Teen boy did not burn down the house and only stuff missing were four beers.

    I'll take it.

  11. oh, oh, I wish you could hear me howling over here.

    I am going to save all my little pennies and dimes and buy the house down the block, since you won't.

    you have to live here.

    oh, "we suck" "take a gamble and lose" all of it, so dang funny. I love you tulpen!!!

    So glad I followed the little elephant home from Ellen/s.


  12. I "gambled" ONCE. When I was 13. I was mortified beyond belief, and it hasn't happened since.

  13. My revolting husband once did this in my bed. I don't think he was really sick, he just "thought" he was going to fart. Disgusting pig. If I had done this I would never own up to it. Cross my ass and hope to die, I swear to tell the truth.

  14. LOVE the giggling in the video! Made me giggle, too! :)

    Sand in your junk is never fun.

    The rainbow was hysterical!

    RTT: Old Wine, Grapes, Winemaking, Noisy Neighbors

  15. Er, um no. There is no crapping of my pants. EVER!!

  16. It sounds like a wonderful last day of summer to me.

    You and your honey sure have interesting conversations.

  17. If the beach was that close to em I'd probably relocate myself in a cardboard box. Me+beach=happiness.

    Well, minus the sand up the butt...

    Happy RTT!

  18. sand is like a great exfoliation NOT that your junk needed exfoliating...
    I have never crapped myself however my son has...he calls it Sharting...tried to fart but ended up shittin himself...

  19. I love Owen's giggle. That video is adorable.

    Nope, never went in my pants. A couple of close calls, but who wants to clean that up? And I'm pretty sure PB has skipped that one over, too (thank freaking god.)

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who calls it like they see it at the beach. Or the mall. or church. Hmm, maybe I should keep it to myself once in a while.

  20. Oh my God, a complete double dog shit in my front yard...what does it all mean??? sob sob sob

    My family loves to swap sharting stories. The best one is my sister who was in Target and had to head to the lingerie dept for new undies.

  21. so you're the one staring at me making me uncomfortable on the beach! Thanks A Lot!

    happy random tuesday! :)

  22. Your junk was full of sand. Hmm.

    No, I never crap my pants. Thank heavens.

  23. Sand in the junk is always unpleasant.

    And for the record, I've never, ever had an oops-I-accidentally-crapped-my-pants moment, I'm very in tune with what my bowels are on the verge of doing at any given time. However...I have known more than one woman who has. Gurg.

    You need to get to the beach more often. Says the woman who braved the trip twice all summer...

  24. i have never seen someone so happy to be buried and have sand in all their cracks and crevices, I hate sand in my hooha

    oh and wtf has that guy never seen a rainbow he was a little tooo happy, we had a double that ended in the field beside our house tried to get the kids to go look for the pot of gold but they weren't buying into it

    oh and that is why I don't live near the beach I love it way to much and am sure if I lived closer I would grow to not like it

  25. I did poo in my pants once. But it was a very long time ago. And drug induced. Just say NO, and all that crap. Literally.

  26. I'm pretty confident that Al is wrong. For the record.

    That's hilarious that the woman remarked about the probability of sand up your butt.

    I have the funniest sand in the pants story from Cancun. I haven't laughed so hard in AGES. :)

  27. I did do it once, but it wasn't because I "took a gamble", and I was completely mortified.

    That double rainbow guy got an advertising deal. So I guess drugs are good for you, now.

  28. you have convinced me that i need to head out to the beach this weekend. people watching is one of my favorite pastimes, and it is ON at the beach!

    now just make the weekend hurry up and get here!

  29. Rainbowgasm.

    Love it. I'm going to try and work that word into conversation at least once a week!

  30. um, i may or may not have had a surprise package in my shorts. at work. and i was wearing a thong [NOT one you'd want to oogle after what I did to them. sorry 'bout that image]I wanna come and be buried in the sand! I'll protect my cooch!

  31. Once I was sick with the flu or some shit. I was on my way home from work and stopped at a light about a mile from my house. Without warning I puked everywhere. Projectile vomiting. In my vents, on myself, my steering wheel, everywhere.

    I get home and call my mom crying and puking. She comes over to help me clean out my car.

    So far there has been no shitting.

    So we are outside cleaning my car and I get sick again! But this time as I'm puking I'm also shitting myself. Runny, watery shit. Puking and shitting at the same time. LOL

    My poor mom is standing there trying to clean my car, I'm puking and shitting myself on the side and my niece (who was probably a year old at the time) is in my mom's car watching us.

    At that point I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.

  32. Yeah... I've never crapped my pants. You're right and your husband is, um... wrong.


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