Thursday, June 24, 2010

You Bet Your Sweaty Ass It's The Heat

Fuck You Summer.

You are not my friend.

Though Owen was quite excited about your arrival, hopping off the bus yesterday, his last day of school, asking me;

"Summer? Now?"

Yes. Here you are, all cocky with your 95 degrees and 112% humidity. You do know that this is not Mississippi right?

Pardon me while I tell everyone who proclaims;

"It's not the heat, it's the humidity."

Would the humidity be unbearable if it were only 60 degrees? I think NOT. It most certainly is the HEAT. Making me cranky and crotchety and unfit for human interaction. Even if the unfitness may be very close to my baseline.

It's the kind of moist heat that makes breathing a chore. That makes one not bother taking a morning shower as seconds later, one will be sweating profusely.

It's the kind of heat that makes this girl happy she doesn't have a set of balls. Because if I did, you know they'd be big ones, and they'd be hanging down to my ankles.

Well Summer? What would you suggest I do with my children on a beastly day such as this? The beach? You've got to be kidding me.

Schlepping two kids and all the gear and food and drinks and slathering three inches of sunblock every 20 minutes and one of them can't hear and no way I'm bringing $3000 worth of hearing aids to the beach because last time I heard salt water and sand are not conducive to proper hearing aid function and how does one entertain a three year old who can't swim and a 7 year old who can't swim OR hear at the beach anyway? Sounds like a fucking blast.

So Summer, all 95 degrees and 112% humidity of you. Fuck you. We'd rather spend the morning at the library.

And I'm so happy that we did.

Because Owen made a friend.

A Hearing kid who marched up to him and asked;

"You want to be my friend?"

Seriously. It gets cuter.

*shrugs* "ok".

"Hey. What's that? Are you sick?" Pointing to hearing aids.

"Hearing aids. Here look." Rips the thing out of his head and hands it to kid whose jaw is now on floor and eyes bugging out of head.

"See? Battery here, and yellow and red and everything!"

"Coooooooool." As I hold it up to kid's ear so he can hear how loud they make everything sound.

"Wanna play?"

*shrugs* "ok."

Running around wrestling and chasing ensues for next 30 minutes. Stopping for a minute for Owen to pull up his shirt so he can show his new friend his scars;

"See! No tube! You have tube?"

"Ummmmmmm. No?" Pulling up his own shirt and looking, just to be sure.

Kid's Daddy appears and I do a little explaining, in case the kid has questions about tube later on.

Daddy is nice and we chat.

I say a little silent Thank You to Old Navy for providing this dress (mine is blue not black):

Which paired with my Wonderbra, creates the illusion of breasts that are not teensy, and dare I say, actually perky?

Which I catch nice Daddy staring at.

Which causes me to inwardly high five myself for getting checked out.

I want to wear this dress every day.

And I just may get to do that as Old Navy is having a 30% off sale, and I have two more of these babies on their way to me, and my boobs.

So there Summer. Who needs you and your stupid moist heat anyway.

Basking in the glow of being ogled by an actual member of the opposite sex, I take myself and my kids, and my boobs, to the air conditioned mall. Ha.

Two hours and very little money are spent. The only purchase being a delightful lunch at the Chinese place where my perfectly behaved children eat broccoli and rice.

The perfect behavior a direct result of promises of DVD viewing in the air conditioned comfort of Mommy's room once we return home.

Which kills another two hours.

Children are allotted an hour or so in the muggish outdoors before retiring once again to the air conditioned haven of Mommy's room.

Until they're sent off to their sweltering bedrooms for the night.

Leaving Mommy back in the cool comfort of her now quiet room, sipping vino and dicking around on computer.

Take that Summer.

I could totally do this for another two months.


  1. Oh, I like that dress, but dammit I just put in an Old Navy order this morning.

    P.S. It IS the humidity. It's 91 right now in Denver with 9% humidity (you read that right) and it's actually quite pleasant.

    What was that I just heard shouted from the East Coast? STFU?

  2. So, lean in...I just want to know one the wonderbra all that? Yeah? Bring it.

    Meetcha at the mall tomorrow. Dumping all my quarters and nickels into my purse as we speak...

  3. Crap! Old Navy only had that dress left in a Small in tall sizes.

    Damn karma. That will teach me for being flippant about the weather.

  4. I looked at that dress today. I am too short for it. Damn. I spent some time in air conditioned mall today for the same sweltering reason.

    Owen and the tube story? Gold gold gold. Can't wait to squish yer kids tomorrow.

  5. No, dear. That is not Summer. THAT is an absolutely perfect day!!!!!!

    (and you wanna compare heat w/me? don't think so. it's 96 degrees here in Atlanta)
    ; )

  6. summer weather SLAYS me! so far we are still in the 80's, and that is kind of nice. but no humidity. it'll get worse, soon enough!

    and i love the story of owen making a friend.

    and nice to hear that an old navy dress had such an impact! it is cute! i want one!

  7. Ugh, yes, when you have humidity-induced asthma, it DOES suck at 60 degrees. If you like to breathe, anyway. That said, we are NOT missing the east coast these days. PNW for the win!

    Man, I wish I could wear a dress w/o looking like a lump - I'd snatch that one up in a heartbeat!

  8. *high five* for getting checked out. That is awesome. Maybe I need to get that dress too.

  9. I only have one word. HYSTERICAL!!!


  10. way to go, you stunner you!

    i love when someones dad is all drooly because I look awesome in a dress, and I do have one dress that I got at EMS that is black and very ogle worthy.

    your kids eat broccoli and rice at a chinese place? mine likes only the fried stuff, and then she dips it in ketchup. but i love a good shrimp toast!

  11. Way to stick it to Summer.

    Always has been my least favorite season.

  12. I don't need to look it up. I KNOW I'm too short for that dress. Sigh.
    Guess I'll just have to keep going to the gym for my milf training...

  13. Of course you got the goods. And I'm all about hot boobs and shit, but if you tell me you have no chub-rub in a dress, I may have to hate you. My thighs, they rub when it's humid and i am wearing a skirt.
    I. Hate. Chubrub.
    (p.s. hope Owen's new friend is a cool new addition.)
    (p.p.s. we have central air and a pool. come by any time. i work most days, the house is yours ;P)

  14. may have to buy that dress now. i love the sign for now. i often find myself saying to my kids right now (and signing now) from afar, even though they do not know wtf i'm talking about.

    it's 82 here at 11:15 at night, and that is just wrong. i'm w/ya about summer.

  15. Hm. I don't think my comment posted. If it did, and this is a double post... delete one.

    It was horridly hot and humid here as well. We escaped to what is called the Playseum, which is this little family run place in [somewhat snobby] Bethesda, MD. It was a lot of fun, although we did have to pay $5 apiece to get in.

    We then went to subway, where each booth had a grand total of 1 person sitting in it, so I then braved sitting in the barstools by the window with two kids under the age of 3. That was interesting. The soon-to-be-3-year-old slipped between his stool and I once but I caught him. And I almost lost my balance (while holding the 14 mos old on my lap) but no major causalities.

  16. welcome to my little world here in hellish HOT TN it really does suck. it is like 150 degrees outside and the thought of 89 degrees next week makes me giddy. we have been avoiding the outdoors as much as possible only going out in the late evening hours.

    Oh and I have that very same dress in my cart on in blue also is it really long? I read some saying to get it in petite but they don't have anymore I need something to make my boobs look good.

  17. I gave myself a high five the other day when they were giving free samples of beer out at the grocery store. The guy asked the person in front of me if they'd like to sample the beer, (that person said no) and then he just looked at me and smiled, and then asked the person after me if she wanted a sample of the beer........I took that as a "you might look too young for beer kid"

  18. WOW thats hot. But I'd so be there. My daughter LOVES the sand!

    Oh, and I just bought that dress, damn that they didn't have more colors.

    AND I hid a link to your blog in my post yesterday!

  19. I'll take 115 degrees and 5% humidity every single time over 80 degrees and 95%.
    Yay to new friends and their dads!

  20. My boobs don't look good in anything except the dark.

    Way to say fuck you to summer!

    I love the story of Owen and his new friend.

  21. I posted on my blog about hating the summer and there was radio silence. I thought it was akin to blaspheme to talk shit about it. Glad to see I'm not the only one.

  22. Oh and you drink as well... I think I am in love.

  23. I knew I should have gotten to Old Navy for a summer dress by now. I am actually sitting her typing in last summer's old navy dress sale dress.

    Air conditioned library is the best. I also liked the thing with wading pools and sprinklers in the yard when my kids were little. I would put the plastic lounge under the sprinkler.

  24. Jeeeeezus. The outside is unbearable right about now. Braving the beach is always work, but air conditioned anything is high on my list of activities. Free movies, (almost) free bowling, arts and crafts at the library. Just keep me from sweltering.

    High five on getting checked out. It's nice when anyone notices you're still a person. Not just a mommy. :)

  25. Yeah, it's the heat.

    I don't think they have those dresses at our ON, I was just there. I don't wear dresses anyway, unless it's over jeans. But I might wear THAT one if I was going to get checked out...

  26. The Empress sent me here after a post on my deafness... and now I'm figuring out why :) What a sweet story of Owen making a friend. I know how difficult it can be when you're a kid who can't hear - and when the world revolves around the ability to communicate... what a terrific win!

    And umm yeah... little kids STILL think my hearing-aid is cool ;)


Use Your Words.