Thursday, May 27, 2010

Travel Tip Thursday! (Fuck You Friday Edition.)

It is starting. Tourist season. It officially starts this weekend.

Me. No. Like.

Already the traffic is starting to piss me off.

Re-posting this from the old blog. It warms my heart to read it anew.


Joining Pseudo today for Travel Tip Thursday.

I think her goal was to have us blog about living life like a person on vacation. I don't foresee an actual vacation anywhere in my near or distant future. I have little kids, it's to be expected.

The closest thing I get to a vacation is putting the kids to bed and downing a bottle of wine.

Anyhoo, here's my version of Travel Tip Thursday.


I grew up and still live in a very historic area that happens to be popular tourist trap town. And very close, only miles away is another hugely popular vacation destination.

From Memorial Day to Labor Day, we are inundated with visitors seeking history (snore) and beaches (meh).

During this time the highway is cluttered with out of state plates, and the waterfront is overflowing with tour busses.

I can't fucking stand it.

I know I know, tourism pumps much needed cash into our ailing economy, blah blah blah. It still drives me batshit crazy.

It causes me physical pain to drive through the waterfront in the summer. It's maddening to try to push through the throngs of people who blatantly ignore all crosswalks and just wander around the road as if they own it. Don't they know that I own the fucking road? Apparently not.

It's not hard to stay away from the congested waterfront, but some days I need to be on the highway, headed south, toward that other beloved destination. To get to that destination, one must navigate the dreaded ROTARY.

This mysterious traffic phenomenon is quite the dilemma for most drivers not familiar with its fickle ways. Have no fear. I am here to save the day.

Rules of the Rotary: (compliments of wikiHow; only slightly altered by yours truly).

#1. Understand the purpose of the rotary and how it works. A rotary is a ''one way'' circular roadway that connects other roads similar to the way spokes of a wheel connect to a center or hub.

#2 Obey all traffic signs. That is, take your fucking face out of the map and look the fuck around you.

#3 Yield. Yes. It says YIELD. I understand that there are cars whizzing around the rotary, likely faster than the speed limit. It's not much different than a highway on ramp. Can you handle it? The last time I checked, the sign did not say; "Fucking sit there like a fucking dumbass waiting for someone to let you on the fucking rotary". That will never fucking happen. Pay attention, look for a gap, fucking grow a pair, and GO FOR IT!

#4 Enter the rotary. After locating a safe (HA!!) break in traffic or at an oncoming driver's invitation (never gonna fucking happen), merge into rotary traffic. Rotary traffic in the U.S. is always in a counter-clockwise direction. This means a right turn will be required to enter and to leave the rotary.

#5 Once in the rotary, maintain your right-of-way. Remember that pair you sprouted? They'll come in handy here as you screw around the circle while dozens of crazy motherfuckers try to sneak in.


#6 Continue around the rotary at breakneck speed, watching for the road you wish to exit upon.

#7 Know which road to take to get out of the rotary traffic. Don't fucking slow down at every road. If you miss your exit just keep going around. It's a fucking circle dipshit, you'll get back to the same spot in about 7 seconds.

#8 There are usually two lanes going around the rotary. Do not think that you will safely exit the rotary from the inner lane. You will not pull that shit off. Please don't try. Go around again, get in the outside lane and get the hell out of there.

You had no business being there in the first place.

I hope this little lesson was helpful in making your travel plans.

I hope even more that your travel plans keep you far away from me.


  1. We call them roundabouts. I go through one on my way to take Isabella to speech........Thank the Lord there is never any other traffic. I'd be the crazy one waiting for a break in traffic, cause I'm chicken.

  2. I'm guessing rotaries are an issue. I promise to do my best if I'm ever there.

    I live in Hollywood, and I'm telling you I GET your frustration. Tourist are ridiculous pains in the ass, but what can you do? I used to live down the hill from the Hollywood sign, and there was always some idiot blocking my driveway trying to take a picture. ARGH!

  3. nit sure about the Rotary thing sounds like what goes around our courthouse here in my town we call it the square even though it is indeed a circle.

    Oh and yea I feel ya on the tourist, I HATE going into Nashville for anything all the wanna be country stars or star seekers in their boots and hats just drive me nuts.

  4. When I moved to the US I had to take a road test to get a drivers license- even though I had one in Canada for over ten years- The only thing the guy tested me on was the 'rotary' and I though I failed for sure because I was so agressive- You're right that is how you are supposed to do it cuz I passed (which is more than I can say for the first two times I took my road test when I was 16).

  5. Got a round-a-bout by my house and it's the same--I totally need to post this somewhere.

    Tourist season is slowing down here--it's friggin hot--and I like it like that.

  6. I would hate living in a tourist town. I get aggravated at the hipsters who come up from the city on Sundays to check out the galleries and antique shops.


  7. DAMN! I was on my way to see you!!

    We have not tourist in OKC.... so I dont get.. I am a tourist on occassion, and I am sorry.. I'll try to play it cool :)

  8. Roundabouts? Oh, I hate them. I stay away. I"ll go 1/2 a mile out of my way to not hit one of those.

  9. I don't like tourism either. And I'm in the DC area, so it gets really really bad. Not only on the roads, but on public transportation.

    You can tell when they're coming if you're riding the metro. The doors will open and suddenly all you smell is sunscreen.

    It is kinda funny to watch lost people trying to use the metro though. Even though they are usually loud, stink like sunscreen, their kids are kind of loud and annoying, and don't know how to use the metro or the unspoken but well known rules (ie: escalators. You walk down the left, stand on the right. Not block the whole damn thing up).

    They call rotaries "traffic circles" here. I'm originally from CT, and insist on calling them rotaries anyway. People look at me like I'm nuts.

    In Montgomery County MD we have what they call "mixing bowls". Not. Fun. Literally a 6-10 point intersection. And all of the paths overlap - so if one person runs a late yellow or a red light you're screwed.

  10. I am with MWP - wanting to come share a glass of wine with you. But we would get stuck in the roundabout/rotary and you would have to come and save us....then you would be pissed! LOL!!!

  11. At least the big scary one by the bridge is no longer...

    Happy weekend. xo

  12. Movie - it's great that it's gone but I don't know my way around there anymore it's soooo changed! I end up as confused as one of the dreaded tourists!

  13. Hmmmm flipping through destinations with rotaries/beaches and history in your state.... I'm often one of those tourists I'm afraid, but of course, not the rude kind! I've lived on Cape Cod so I know of which you speak with the summer traffic, and I live in a state who thrives on tourism - but luckily strewn across several seasons! Sigh....
    I adore rotaries since I spent many years in Mass with the M---hole drivers (nothing personal- even Mass people use that term:) and I can DO a rotary like you wouldn't believe! But good job with the tips!

  14. We made a promise when we got married that we'd never ever go to the cape on certain weekends. We've even avoided it for full summers. I'd rather go to Crane's Beach or hell - my pool in the back yard ;)

  15. Up here in Eastern Canada. We call them roundabouts as well.

    I feel your pain on a personal level. Every year we are swarmed like ants on honey with tourists. Our fair city is a major stop off point on the east coast of the country for cruise ships. We get several hundred in port each year starting....sigh.. .this weekend and goes until mid october.

    I can't take the crowds or the people walking into our farmer's market and acting like it's a flea market and trying to barter prices down? Uh its a business.... DUH!

    Hang in there. Hope for massive food poisoning from one of the tourist shop style takeouts. And then watch em drop like flies! Or rain... lots of rain.

  16. heh heh, wine vacation.

    i like mine bourbon with a marlboro chaser. at least i used to. damn those days are gone. somehow i have convinced myself that i feel better without them. i'm a geek.

  17. I'm having a wine vacation tonight!! Is it sad that it will be coming out of a box though? ;)

    And I understand your pain -- we have random roudabouts here. Same deal. heh.

  18. fear not, i am not traveling this weekend so i won't fark things up for you!

    my goal today was to GET OFF THE FREEWAY AND ALL ROADS by 1pm. it will be mayhem this weekend on the roads. tourists coming to town, locals leaving, and drunks galore. i plan to spend most of my time away from those folks!

    hope you have a great weekend, if at all possible!

  19. I remember this post. I know I would freak on a rotary. I have trouble with revolving doors. On vacation though, B. drives. So I can continually hand snacks/etc. back to the kiddos.

  20. I remember this post, it's when I learned what a rotary was ; -)

    I'm glad you linked so I could find my way back to your new place. Between closing my classroom and moving my resources across the island, grades, and son's graduation - I am a very disorganized blogger.

    ... my idea of a vacation is the two teens being out and downing a bottle of wine here at home...

  21. "It's a fucking circle, dipshit," I laughed so hard I snorted.

  22. Oh my gosh! I just laughed SO hard about your rotary! HILARIOUS! I also laughed about you owning the road. How dare they? : )

  23. Y'know, just the other day hubby asked me, "Are roundabouts just a UK thing?"

    Guess not.

    Nobody ever comes here (understandably so) so we rarely have to deal with tourists. But I lived in Banff once and....gah. GETTHEFUCKOUTTAMYWAY.

  24. Ah-greed about following traffic signs. Though I doubt people will be looking into maps as much as looking at their phones and texting.

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