Travel Tip Thursday! (Fuck You Friday Edition.)

It is starting. Tourist season. It officially starts this weekend.

Me. No. Like.

Already the traffic is starting to piss me off.

Re-posting this from the old blog. It warms my heart to read it anew.

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Joining Pseudo today for Travel Tip Thursday.

I think her goal was to have us blog about living life like a person on vacation. I don't foresee an actual vacation anywhere in my near or distant future. I have little kids, it's to be expected.

The closest thing I get to a vacation is putting the kids to bed and downing a bottle of wine.

Anyhoo, here's my version of Travel Tip Thursday.

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I grew up and still live in a very historic area that happens to be popular tourist trap town. And very close, only miles away is another hugely popular vacation destination.

From Memorial Day to Labor Day, we are inundated with visitors seeking history (snore) and beaches (meh).

During this time the highway is cluttered with out of state plates, and the waterfront is overflowing with tour busses.

I can't fucking stand it.

I know I know, tourism pumps much needed cash into our ailing economy, blah blah blah. It still drives me batshit crazy.

It causes me physical pain to drive through the waterfront in the summer. It's maddening to try to push through the throngs of people who blatantly ignore all crosswalks and just wander around the road as if they own it. Don't they know that I own the fucking road? Apparently not.

It's not hard to stay away from the congested waterfront, but some days I need to be on the highway, headed south, toward that other beloved destination. To get to that destination, one must navigate the dreaded ROTARY.

This mysterious traffic phenomenon is quite the dilemma for most drivers not familiar with its fickle ways. Have no fear. I am here to save the day.

Rules of the Rotary: (compliments of wikiHow; only slightly altered by yours truly).

#1. Understand the purpose of the rotary and how it works. A rotary is a ''one way'' circular roadway that connects other roads similar to the way spokes of a wheel connect to a center or hub.

#2 Obey all traffic signs. That is, take your fucking face out of the map and look the fuck around you.

#3 Yield. Yes. It says YIELD. I understand that there are cars whizzing around the rotary, likely faster than the speed limit. It's not much different than a highway on ramp. Can you handle it? The last time I checked, the sign did not say; "Fucking sit there like a fucking dumbass waiting for someone to let you on the fucking rotary". That will never fucking happen. Pay attention, look for a gap, fucking grow a pair, and GO FOR IT!

#4 Enter the rotary. After locating a safe (HA!!) break in traffic or at an oncoming driver's invitation (never gonna fucking happen), merge into rotary traffic. Rotary traffic in the U.S. is always in a counter-clockwise direction. This means a right turn will be required to enter and to leave the rotary.

#5 Once in the rotary, maintain your right-of-way. Remember that pair you sprouted? They'll come in handy here as you screw around the circle while dozens of crazy motherfuckers try to sneak in.

DO. NOT. STOP. IN. THE. FUCKING. ROTARY.

#6 Continue around the rotary at breakneck speed, watching for the road you wish to exit upon.

#7 Know which road to take to get out of the rotary traffic. Don't fucking slow down at every road. If you miss your exit just keep going around. It's a fucking circle dipshit, you'll get back to the same spot in about 7 seconds.

#8 There are usually two lanes going around the rotary. Do not think that you will safely exit the rotary from the inner lane. You will not pull that shit off. Please don't try. Go around again, get in the outside lane and get the hell out of there.

You had no business being there in the first place.

I hope this little lesson was helpful in making your travel plans.

I hope even more that your travel plans keep you far away from me.