Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Kindergarten Registration + Wine.

Somehow,  I have managed to keep Bea alive long enough to register her for Kindergarten.

The horror.

I actually managed to gather up the appropriate materials, and arrive at the school during the allotted registration time.

Apparently, a bank statement, telephone bill, and electric bill are not enough to prove residency.  I was rightfully scolded and will bring yet another form of proof that I live a mile from the school this week.

I don't know why I was surprised, and by surprised I mean annoyed, by the various questionnaires I had to fill out in regards to Bea, her development, health, and social prowess.

How badly did I want to answer like so:

At what age did your child sit without support?

You expect me to remember that shit?  Fuck.  I had me a normal baby with no tubes, no scars, no fancy diagnoses, and ears that worked.  You think I gave a shit when she could sit by herself?  'Cause I didn't.

At what age did your child use single words with meaning?

She was SIGNING at 9 months old. 

Suck it.

At what age did your child walk without help?

OK fine.  She was eighteen months old.  She didn't freaking crawl 'til she was a year old.  We're a lazy bunch I tell you. But I totally lied to her pediatrician and had her meeting all those stupid milestones exactly on time, so on paper she's perfectly normal. 

We're all about normal up in here.

Has your child had tantrums?  If yes, how do you manage your child on these occasions?

Oh.  I'm sorry.  I was under the impression that you'd encountered a human child before. 

Have there been any significant or upsetting events in your child's life?

I'm her mother.

Her brother is Owen.

That is all.

What are your expectations for your child's kindergarten experience?

Not shelling out a car payment every month for the hoity toity hippie preschool that charges full price even if school is only held twice in a month.

Not driving that half hour to and from said preschool three days a week.

Seeing that glorious yellow bus arrive at the end of the road to take my beloved child away from me for three wonderful hours, five lovely days a week.

What would be your child's ideal learning environment?

Oooh!!  We get to choose?  Fun!!!

Alrighty then. 

She wants a fairy princess mermaid teacher who sets all lessons to music played by dancing unicorns.

She would like daily glitter sprinkle parties and a handful of lollipops for every task she completes.

Recess should be held in the enchanted forest where she will become bestest friends with all the woodland creatures and certainly be allowed to bring home a baby deer to love and keep forever and ever.

She's gonna fucking LOVE kindergarten!!


  1. Oh my God! I laughed so hard at this. Kindergarten is a distant memory for both my kids, but I still remember those ridiculous questionnaires. Milestones? I haven't the slightest memory as to when they did ANYTHING. All I know is that sooner (talking) or later (using the toilet) they started doing everything they were supposed to do before they got to high school.

  2. I seriously loved this post. And just to make you jealous. Here where I live, kindergarten is from somewhere around 8am until somewhere around 3pm. All. Day. Long!

    Yeah, life is great. Joey starts kindergarten this fall too but we only had to submit one form of proof of residency.

  3. Oh Bea. Bless her damn heart.

    This was too funny.

    I hate all that shit. Here's my kid - edumacate it for me. Damn.

  4. I remember when I looked at preschools for Henry, my second child but first "normal" one. I took one look around the place and thought it looked clean enough and then signed the papers.

    Hilarious post and very resonant --

  5. And here I thought Kindergarten Registration = Wine. Or Kindergarten Registration < Wine.
    I suck at Math.

  6. I just saw "Kindy registration + wine" and *had* to come sprinting over. I'm *so* glad I did. :)

  7. Im ready to pee my pants - this is hilarious! When i register my kindergartener Im sure i'll be chuckling to myself thinking about this...

  8. yep gotta love the Kindergarten registration, but Shit you guys don't do it right up there down here it is ALL day long!! as in I drop at 7:40ish and she doesn't get home til 3!

  9. And don't forget they have to keep the baby deer she brings home. It would do no good to have that thing poop all over your kitchen floor.

    I hate those things with a passion. One question they had for us was, "What motivates your child?" I wrote back lots of chocolate and positive reinforcement and though nothing of it. And then got a note from her teacher asking what kind of chocolate she liked.

    I'm still not sure what to think on that.....

  10. All I have to say is just be thankful that you don't have to fill that shit out times three.

    And no, they won't let me photo copy one for all 3. I tried and they make me do it again.

  11. Hysterical. Thanks for the laugh I so desperately needed!

  12. I love it! We actually had similar questions on our registration questionnaire and it took every ounce of restraint to stop from snarking every answer. Oh, and I bit my tongue. A LOT.

    We've been trying to get Maddy speech therapy and had to jump through all the hoops to get it through the school system. The questionnaire: 13 pages long. #SHOOTMENOW

    Then of course there is the proof of residency. #ICALLBULLSHIT Isn't the fact that I spent 2 hours of my life filling out your forms enough to get services for my child?

    On to the waiting game. Yes, we have your forms, we'll call you in 2-10 weeks to schedule an evaluation. WTF?
    And that eval? Yeah, first open slot is in March, 2015. Thanks!


    But love you! You go Bea! You're gonna ROCK K town!

  14. Thank you for tonight's laugh!! I will hear your words from now on when I fill out stupidly simplistic and asinine forms. :) There was less paperwork for my older child's speech therapy when she was 2 than there was for first grade (after kindergarten!) for the younger one here in TX.


  15. Fuck, are we supposed to remember shit like those milestone ages? Damn, I'm screwed. Both of my kids have been using single words, meaningfully, for awhile . . . but fuck if I know when that actually started.

    I remember that my sister had to go to summer school before kindergarten because she failed some silly standardized test. She answered stuff like "butter" when asked to name something that melts. And "purple" wasn't an acceptable color, but eggplant was.

  16. I laughed so hard. I think it's hilarious that they actually asked about tantrums!!!

  17. Pssst.

    We may be a lazy bunch around here, too.

    We may also be drunk.

    (Well, not the kids. Probably.)

  18. That was funny enough to make me wanna be a parent. Almost.

    Seriously, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

  19. Kindergarten? Hells yeah! Little Bird has done it twice!

  20. OMG. this is so ridic! and HURL to these questions!

  21. You SO needed to use your signing at 9 months response. With the "Suck It."

    Enjoy the yellow bus. Enjoy it oh so much.

    you make me laugh loudly, you know that?

  22. I'm not sure why they care at what age your daughter hit her infant/toddler milestones. I mean I feel like that's a little bit of an invasion of privacy. Listen, folks, I'm going to pay you to teach my six-year-old, the least you could do is not violate me in the process.

  23. This post rocked. I loved your ideal learning environment the most. I would love to know what actually happens when they get this mountain of information. Do they use it to build classes? Those whose children have lived in magical plastic bubbles free of trouble will assemble in the bubblegum fairy room, those whose kids have dealt with piles of shit will meet in the boiler room...

  24. Oh, this tickled me.

    Me as a mom, and Owen as a brother. I could and should write the exact thing when my youngest starts school. 'Cause it's true.

    And human child? Almost made me wake up the dog with my snort.

    You're good, Ms. T.

  25. Great answers- if only…
    I liked your first answer to: Have there been any significant or upsetting events in your child's life?

    As long as I can raise children that can afford their own therapy then I'm golden.

  26. DON'T you just wish WISH wish we could answer these questionnaires this way???

    I would love it.

  27. Oh I'm filled with anxiety. But I imagine by the time I have a second child I'll be praying for school to start.


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