Somehow, I have managed to keep Bea alive long enough to register her for Kindergarten.
I actually managed to gather up the appropriate materials, and arrive at the school during the allotted registration time.
Apparently, a bank statement, telephone bill, and electric bill are not enough to prove residency. I was rightfully scolded and will bring yet another form of proof that I live a mile from the school this week.
I don't know why I was surprised, and by surprised I mean annoyed, by the various questionnaires I had to fill out in regards to Bea, her development, health, and social prowess.
How badly did I want to answer like so:
At what age did your child sit without support?
You expect me to remember that shit? Fuck. I had me a normal baby with no tubes, no scars, no fancy diagnoses, and ears that worked. You think I gave a shit when she could sit by herself? 'Cause I didn't.
At what age did your child use single words with meaning?
She was SIGNING at 9 months old.
At what age did your child walk without help?
OK fine. She was eighteen months old. She didn't freaking crawl 'til she was a year old. We're a lazy bunch I tell you. But I totally lied to her pediatrician and had her meeting all those stupid milestones exactly on time, so on paper she's perfectly normal.
We're all about normal up in here.
Has your child had tantrums? If yes, how do you manage your child on these occasions?
Oh. I'm sorry. I was under the impression that you'd encountered a human child before.
Have there been any significant or upsetting events in your child's life?
I'm her mother.
Her brother is Owen.
That is all.
What are your expectations for your child's kindergarten experience?
Not shelling out a car payment every month for the hoity toity hippie preschool that charges full price even if school is only held twice in a month.
Not driving that half hour to and from said preschool three days a week.
Seeing that glorious yellow bus arrive at the end of the road to take my beloved child away from me for three wonderful hours, five lovely days a week.
What would be your child's ideal learning environment?
Oooh!! We get to choose? Fun!!!
She wants a fairy princess mermaid teacher who sets all lessons to music played by dancing unicorns.
She would like daily glitter sprinkle parties and a handful of lollipops for every task she completes.
Recess should be held in the enchanted forest where she will become bestest friends with all the woodland creatures and certainly be allowed to bring home a baby deer to love and keep forever and ever.
She's gonna fucking LOVE kindergarten!!