Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Either Way

*******

So. Sitting outside with the kids, Bea is at my feet coloring with chalk on the patio, Owen is nearby talking to himself, whacking a tree trunk with a stick.

Bea is four. Therefore she never stops talking.

Owen knows we're talking, but can't hear our words.  He's tired.

"Stop! Talking!"

*signing/speaking* "Sorry. Bea wants to talk. Come over so you can hear us."

"No!  I can't hear you guys! You need to stop!  I can't hear ANYTHING!"

*signing/speaking/trying not to cry*  "Come here."

He sulks over and sits on the chair in front of me.  Hugging his drawn up knees, head down, he barely looks up at me;

"I don't want to talk. I'm all done talking. I don't feel good."

I know.  He doesn't mean physical discomfort. I just know.

"Buddy? What's going on?  You're sad?"

He can't look at me. He shrugs. He nods. A wave hits me. 

Shame.

I've never asked him.

"Sweetie? Is it ok? That you're Deaf?"

Before he can answer, he transforms before my eyes. From the baby who didn't die, into the boy who has to live with who he is.

"No. Don't want to be Deaf. Want to be Hearing."

And I'm drowned.

*******

So. Sitting outside with the kids, Bea is at my feet coloring with chalk on the patio, Owen is nearby talking to himself, whacking a tree trunk with a stick.

Bea is four. Therefore she never stops talking.

Owen knows we're talking, but can't hear our words.

"Stop! Talking!"

*signing/speaking* "Sorry. Bea wants to talk. Come over so you can hear us."

"No! I can't hear you guys! You need to stop! I can't hear ANYTHING!"

*signing/speaking/trying not to cry* "Come here."

He storms over and sits on the chair in front of me. He's leaning toward me, eyes meeting mine in challenge, he seethes;

"I don't want to talk. I'm all done talking. I don't feel good."

I know. He doesn't mean physical discomfort. I just know.

"Buddy? What's going on? You're sad?"

His eyes don't leave mine. He shrugs. He nods. A wave hits me.

Anger.

I've never asked him.

"Sweetie? Is it ok? That you're Deaf?"

Before he can answer, he's out of his chair standing over me - he's huge, at least 6 feet tall - he twists my shirt collar in an angry fist;

"No. It is NOT Ok.  None if it is OK.  And it's all your fucking fault."

And I'm drowned.

43 comments:

  1. First off, it is not your fault! How could it be? If the other option was for him not to be here at all???

    Second, we all have krappy days. Owen was having a krappy day. You can only expect a kid to buck up and accept what he's been handed for so many days, then there will be a krappy one. Happens to the cheeriest idiots out there, bound to happen to people who use their brains more often.

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  2. Oh, and if he was a teenager he would have said, "I didn't say it was your fault. Stop making it about you. I just said I didn't want to be fucking deaf. Today, I don't want to try so fucking hard, ok? Man, it's always about you... I need a beer."

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  3. My heart? Broken.

    I've deleted every attempt at comforting words.

    All I can say is this: with all of my heart, I dont believe he will ever blame you. He will go through anger and frustration, your whole family will, but he will understand why deaf beats dead.

    Hang in there mamma bear.

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  4. I have no words. I cannot imagine how this must feel for you.

    I hate that you feel responsible, and worry that he does/will blame you.

    You are such an amazing person.

    HUGS

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  5. I'm a mom of three teenagers. We're a family with five generations of a genetic mutation (yea, take THAT!) so we know just who to blame-- the females that passed it on generation after generation.

    So Owen is becoming more self-aware and sometimes that awareness is a discovery that's not so great-- it happens. I've gone through it with all three of my kids and I raised them with as much "rah-rah" about being deaf/hh as I possibly could. Ok, I feel a post coming on... I'm gonna mosey on over to my blog and write this out...

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  6. First I am going to start off my saying, I have no idea what its like to have a deaf child or a child with special needs so I am kinda talking out of my ass.

    BUT, him being deaf may seem like your fault but its not. I understand why you think that way but its not your fault and deep down Owen knows that and will never blame you.

    Also, anyone, including Owen someday, who reads this blog knows how proud you are to have a deaf son. This is not a curse but a blessing and you have helped make it that way.

    No one said growing up was easy. Its painful and this is just one of the painful times that will pass.

    (Damn, I wish I lived near you in person so that I could give you a real hug and then share your sorrow)

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  7. not your fault-
    everyone has issues- my boys have issues and things that they will have every right to blame me for- I hope they don't- I hope they forgive me and realize that I love them and did the best I could- and that I mess up… a lot!

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  8. Miss the days of blissful ignorance when she believed she was just like everyone else. But then last year she looked at me and said.

    "I no want to be that Autism girl. I just want to be that Lauren girl, just like everyone else"

    It sucked as much as I knew it would.

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  9. It's not your fault.

    Really. I know your WHOLE story, and it's not your fault.

    I blame myself, too, by the way....

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  10. By the way, because I am enormously selfish, I am SO glad you're back. :)

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  11. I'm not a mom. But I've had my own share of f*cked up health issues growing up, some of which involved my sight and hearing.

    None of it is your fault.

    Sending love. And hugs.

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  12. I don't know your whole story, but I do know that blaming yourself for anything like this is a huge waste of your energy. Yeah, he may throw something like that at you when he's a teenager, just like I'm sure my kids will through my bad eyes at me when they are. But that's just anger talking. Doesn't make it true.

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  13. I think all moms feel this way.

    At least the ones I know, and like.

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  14. Either way... :-)

    That hitting a tree with the stick thing is exactly what his cousin did at that age.

    I need to drive down to squish yer kids.

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  15. oh, man. This moment is one wherein I wish that fucking space travel we were promised by 2001 was possible. I'd be there (wherever the fuck you are) to hug you tight. We'd probably do some illegal things and listen to "shake it, sugaree" and feel a whole lot better together.

    Someday he will come to understand his whole story. He will be so grateful for the fight you fought and that you never, ever gave up on him.

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  16. I'm stunned. And glad you're asking him now and not when he's much older. Giving him that outlet now may help him adjust better.
    Hugs for you, Owen and Bea.

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  17. I'm sorry that you're hurting right now - that *he* is hurting right now.

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  18. Oh, wow. You brought me to tears. Don't blame yourself. What is the alternative? He wouldn't be here AT ALL. Unthinkable, right?
    Big hugs. I hope you feel better soon.
    He'll understand...one day.

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  19. write the g.d. book already. you kill me.

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  20. you are trying to cut my heart out this morning arent you...it is not your fault...know that...and it is hard...love him....

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  21. No, its just your fault for making your readers cry.

    I wish I had the words to make it all better.

    But I think beating a tree with a stick sure sounds a whole lot better.

    And my brain doesn't work well enough to make an allegory about children and trees so lets just make beating trees about beating trees.

    You're in my thoughts, my friend. (And thank you, for taking me out of mine!)

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  22. ((Hugs)) Because sometimes there aren't words to make you feel better.

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  23. Tulpen?

    Owen's disabilities are absolutely not your fault. I know you know that.

    And because of the way you're...you, well, Owen is going to be just fine in this world.

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  24. Yeah.

    I keep deleting my comments. And thinking that maybe saying nothing is best.

    But there is this:

    The video you shared of Owen dancing.

    I loved that damn video.

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  25. sometimes i've read posts and commented something like, wow, that is touching and sad, or i LOLed (when fitting). i may not have ACTUALLY done those things but i wanted to express the feeling just the same. this post, i have tears running down my face. tears for you. tears for owen. i hope some day when he is huge and six feet tall that he envelopes you in the most amazing hug and signs, thanks mom. for everything.

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  26. I was in tears before I read this post...those sorry for oneself oh woe is me tears. I am still in tears...the kind that one hopes can collectively wash YOUR pain away.
    Know that you are loved, admired and respected.

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  27. My first read here and wow, powerful...can't imagine what you must go through...

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  28. There was a comment someone made and it hit me like a cinder block. Something to the effect of hating the special need but not the child. Pull away that away and you have a beautiful child. You have just that. And one day he will see it. I know it. Yes, you are that good.

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  29. I get that you feel responsible.
    What mother wouldn't.
    I have no other words of comfort.
    But I am here.

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  30. He's going to be a terrible activist with that sentiment. Sometimes we try so hard to be so very OK with it all, and they're so special and all of those hearing and typical people are so clueless and who wants to be like them and blah blah blah. But some days there's just no getting away from the fact that it just sucks. And they are the ones that have to live with it day in and day out and some days it's just not going to be OK. And on those days our hearts will just be broken over and over again.

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  31. So not your fault. But you know that. You're an awesome mom and you have awesome kids. ((HUGZ!!))

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  32. Make sure he knows you're frustrated for him and want his pain to go away. Maybe future with provide better solutions, but for the right now, let him vent, so long as he doesn't say anything hateful. Then again, every 'typical' kid says something hateful to their parents at some point. Hope this frustration passes, but try to figure out a solution for one problem/issue at a time. What does he need?

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  33. Then again, remember I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I should have just sent a virtual hug. You are doing everything you can for your son. It's not you; he's just angry and frustrated, but it's not really directed at you.

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  34. Aw, sweetie. You're awesome. Sending hugs.

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  35. When I was 8 mos pregnant my husband and I went on a canoe trip. We stayed one night at a farm B and B. There was a little boy, about Owens age there who was cute as a button. At breakfast he was entertaining us when his Mom told him he needed to go out to the barn to help his Dad. he whined, he fussed - why do I have to do it? She said because you are a farm boy. he said, "I don't want to be a farm boy".
    Every so often my husband and I will look at each other when Kayli complains about something essential to her being in the world (I don't want to have Down syndrome) and say in harmony "I don't want to be a farm boy".
    It hurts to hear our children not want to be them. But you did not make him be who he is. You are the one who facilitates his understanding of his place in the world and you do a beautiful job of it. But there are these hard things that hurt us when we see them bump them. It hurts. But he is trying that on and seeing if it fits, that strategy in the world. I know that you will not let that happen. Hugs.

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  36. Crap, what an awful place to be in ... I want to write words to make you happy, and you will be another day, probably today it has happened already. The dark places have us appreciate the light when we get there.
    But no blame games ... none at all, because that is even crappier and no one wins.

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  37. Yikes! That sounds pretty harsh on yourself. Sometimes shit just happens.

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  38. Either way? You're the best mother Owen could have the luck to end up with. You are the reason why he is doing so well. YOU. YOU. Make him happy. YOU. make him as well as he can be. Another mother would have given up. Not you. Stop beating yourself up. It's not YOU. It's the universe.

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  39. Not your fault at ALL. I am sure Owen struggles from time to time with being different than other kids, but he seems genuinely happy most of the time. You are helping him be happy with himself. *big hugs* You are an awesome mom.

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  40. i think a lot of parents struggle with guilt over things that really aren't their fault.

    my mom had breast cancer, and me and my sisters secretly say THANKS MOM when we worry we will get it. but it isn't really her fault. she had no idea what genetic predisposition/horror she was passing on down to her kids.

    i think the blame game gets ya nowhere. one must accept and deal. he will be ok. he will be.

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  41. Been having that kind of week myself. My kiddo has been declaring she does not like that she has autism and she does not like the way she is. I feel your pain, sister. Thank you for sharing.

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  42. Love Starrlife's comment. Better than anything I could've ever said.

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