Thursday, September 15, 2011

With Relief From The Twitchiness

Hey new nurse,

It's not that we don't like you. Well maybe it is a little. But you just happened to fill a spot that was occupied by our good friend for years. We loved her and miss her and you aren't HER.

So there's that.

And?  The 'Poor Me' routine can stop any time.

You show up late; because you're going through a divorce.

You can't get your work done on time; because you're going through a divorce.

You shouldn't have to help with supper; because you're going through a divorce.

You shouldn't have to float to another floor; because you're going through a divorce.

It's not that we don't care about your divorce. OK fine, we don't care. Do you think you're the only one who has shit going on?  You wanna have circle time and compare tales of woe?

How about 18 year old whose father overdosed and died last year and whose mother is an alcoholic.  Who was told by drunken maternal unit to walk home.  At eleven o'clock at night.  Three miles. I drive her.

She never complains.  Ever. I want to adopt her.

Or her gorgeous coworker, 19 years old. Mother ditched her when she was little. Dad married a crack head and kicked her out when she was 15. She works like a dog and never stops fucking smiling. Ever. I'd like to adopt her too.

Single mother of six.

Mother of son who is being deployed to Afghanistan. Reliving her brother's death in Vietnam.

I hear there is even a woman with a fucked up Deaf kid.

Maybe if you stopped whining long enough to get to know your new coworkers you'd feel more liked.

Until then; I'll be at my med cart at the end of the hall until you go home, bitch.


Hey bus company,

How'd you know it had been far too long since I'd told anyone off and was starting to get all twitchy?

Last year Owen's commute to and from school was an hour and fifteen minutes. School being fifty minutes away.

That was fine.

This year?  Two hours.


Four hours a day on a bus.

And? A few mornings? They got to school late. Totally cool, 'cause they're so far ahead of the pack, what with being DEAF and all, they can stand to miss class time.

And getting home at 5pm leaves very little time for dinner, bath, homework and possibly a few seconds of down time, as Deaf kid needs to be in bed by 7pm.

And I missed Open House the other night because how could I throw the kid in the car and drag him back to school after he'd spent FOUR HOURS in a vehicle already?

Fellow Deaf kid Mommy also concerned and was fairly certain the law states the ride can't be more than an hour.

So. We found the law online and burned up your phone lines all morning! We even got the school to call and rip you a new one!

What fun!!!

I did appreciate the thorough ass kissing I received too, even with all the cliche's;

"I'm rolling up my sleeves and getting right to it."

"I'm clearing my schedule until this is fixed."

"This is my #1 priority."

You're so full of shit.

You have until Monday, douchebag.


Sweet Owen and Lovely Bea,

You know Daddy is going away tomorrow on his yearly fishing trip with the guys.

He's been looking so forward to it, I even helped him stock up on food and supplies. Put together a first aid kit for him. Even baked him chocolate chip cookies - to make up for constantly referring to the trip as his 'Brokeback Fishing Weekend.'

And tomorrow we're gonna have some fun without him. Have some friends over. A bon fire. Watch a movie. Stay up late!

And the plan for Saturday really has me excited. After swim lessons, your aunt has offered to have you for a sleep over! With your cousin and everything!

Which will leave me with an unprecedented 24 hours of no kids and no husband.

What ever shall I do?

Have friends over?  Nah.

Go out on the town with the girls? Nah.

I've planned the most perfect way to spend those precious hours:

All. By. Myself.


5,000 calorie batch of chicken alfredo.



Pretzel M&Ms.




And then you informed me that you;

"Don't wannnnnaaaa gooooo. Wannnnna staaaaay with yoouuuu."

So to you my adored children, the apples of my eyes, the lights of my life, my very reasons for existence; to you I say:

Fuck You.

You're so fucking going.


  1. Wait? Fuck You Friday is back? Cos I prolly have a lot of material now.

    I'd LOVE to have a short conversation with your new nurse. She. has. no. clue.

    Have a fantabulous Saturday. I would love an entire evening to myself.


    And Pretzel m&m'S? Really there is such a thing?

  2. Congrats on your night to yourself- sounds like you have a good plan. New nurse is obviously clueless. abd whiny. I'm guessing he left her.

  3. You had me at pretzel M&M's.
    Have a lovely 24 hours!

  4. Have a fabulous 24 hours. Wine. Always makes me super happy. Having a wonderful Pinot Noir right now. Cheers.

  5. I LOVE fuck you fridays!!!! Especially on Thursday, it gets me all revved up for tomorrow!

    Enjoy your down time!

  6. WTF?! FOUR HOURS each day on a bus?! Holy crap, if I was stuck on a bus for FOUR FUCKING HOURS each day I would stab someone. I can't imagine how the kids feel. Hope that get resolved soon!

    Oh, and enjoy your 24 hours of solitude, you lucky bitch.


  7. I'm gonna live vicariously through you. 24 hours? No shit?? I can't believe it! Please tell us all what it's like (please include references to the pretzel m&ms, too).

  8. Damn straight they're going! Don't let them wear you down. Kick them out!
    Your new coworker sounds charming.

  9. The laughing started out tentatively and became completely rollicking at the pasta alfredo calorie count.

    Have a beautiful fucking night alone.

  10. I missed your writing over the summer. Have a marvelous time to yourself. I'm pretty sure pretzel m&m's are proof of the existence of God.

  11. My husband is out of town this weekend. I think I need a babysitter because I want to have that kind of night, too!

    Perhaps you could stick the new nurse on the bus for 4 hours? That's pure torture!

  12. 2 hours on a bus? How do they not go apeshit? I couldn't even handle sitting on a bus for one hour, let alone 2.

    I also really hate when people are all "poor me" when they really have no idea what is going on around them and they make excuses for everything. Get over yourself. Divorces suck but you get on with your life.

    And my kdis have totally pulled that crap on me. Whenever I actually get a chance to be by myself one of the damn kids ruin it. Like last night when the kids went to bed and the husband was working late, all I wanted was to eat that last ice cream drumstick but Paige had to ruin it by coming downstairs and throwing a temper tantrum for 20 minutes until she finally passed out on the couch. Fuck.

  13. Fuck yeah they are going. A buh-bye.
    Cheers to your alone time.

    No dildos packed for this years trip? I'm mean cookies are nice and all...but nothing says boys weekend like a little lube and a plastic cock.

    Tell that new coworker to put on her big girl panties and suck it the fuck up.
    Have fun!

  14. There is no way a little whining is going to derail those kinds of weekend plans. Sounds blissful.

    And 4 hours a day on a bus is nuts. Is it the actual distance or is the driver taking some kind of fucked up scenic route?

  15. Yay for Tulpen alone time! Your plan sounds absolutely golden.

    I've always known you had a good "fuck you" post in you...thank you :-)

  16. damn I am so jealous, I want to adopt their aunt and make her my kid's aunt who offers to take them for the night and leave me with just my wine and quiet time!

  17. Nice. On all counts. Seriously? Don't your kids know that guilt is reserved for mothers? Screw them and their whiney asses.

  18. Oh hell yes, your kids are so fucking going! You neeeeeeed this YOU time.

    Your new co-worker can suck balls, what a selfish skank.

    Please do tell about the bus company.

  19. More proof that a couple of "Fuck You"s is good for the soul.

    I wonder how I can send the DH off on a brokeback weekend of his own. The plotting begins now!

    Thanks Tulp, always an inspiration.

    And yes, I'll want to hear about the bus co. Fuckers.

  20. i think i hate your new co-worker! and note to self: i could cut back on all of my own complaining! lol and i think i love the ones that you want to adopt!

    hope you have a fab weekend!

  21. Wait. Are you telling me that we're supposed to like our kids sometimes?


    Enjoy your too-short respite during Brokeback Fishing Weekend.

    You deserve a break -
    (I HATE when my comments devolve into a McDonald's commercial).


    Good job with the calling-out of the co-worker; plus the hell-raising over Owen's bus service (rolling up his sleeves, my ass!).

    And it is lovely that your kids want to stay home with you.


    They got to have you all summer. And you barely get to have you.

    I'm just assuming.

    So go have you.
    Oh yeah.

  22. Fuck You Fridays?!? I feel tingly all over.

    I work with a whiny victimy poor me doc on friday nights and all I wanna do is punch her in the head.

    Brokeback Fishing? heeheehee

    Kick those kids out the door. I mean, they're cute and all but wine n netflix n creamy goodness followed by salty chocolate? Not to be missed.


  23. If my work wouldn't fire me for it; I would so post this in my office. My receptionist is an old bitch who complains too much and eats everyone's lunch. Annoying.

    Have a great time on your free weekend!! I think it's pretty nice of you to bake cookies and not eat them all. (not that I would have)

  24. Hey I say fuck everyone. Enjoy your 24 hours of freedom.

  25. I KNEW you wouldn't cave.

    Glad to have you here, Tulp, we'll take you as we can get you.


  26. That bus ride! I have no words for that that you probably didn't already speak. LOL But that IS ridiculous!

    I sincerely hope your kids went and you got that 24 hours for YOU!

  27. You fucking deserve a little fucking time for yourself.

  28. Enjoy your alone time! Wine and pretzel M&M's sound awesome!

  29. My husband went on his brokeback mountain biking trip last weekend. Except his brother was there so that makes it even more icky an idea.

    Divorce woman? So needs circle time.

  30. Ohmigod, I am SO HAPPY you're back. :D

  31. Laughing. So. HArd. Can't. Type. Ahh hahahaha. Whew. Even your commenters cracked me the hell up, especially MommaKiss's "suck balls/selfish skank" combo punch. Hope the bus thing gets resolved because that's inSANE. Also hope you got two packs of pretzel m&ms, because they are light. Diet food, practically.

  32. Bwah haha! I've so missed reading your blog... I feel like I'm so far behind. I seriously need to have a Fuck You Friday. Or Monday. Maybe even Tuesday.

  33. I didn't think that much could top this post until I read the label. That was dynamite.


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