Friday, May 13, 2011

Offending Parents Of Ugly Children Everywhere

*******

Hey Morning Driver of Short Bus,

Ten minutes to eight.  That is the time you are supposed to pick Owen up. To then pick up two more children and get him to his school which is almost an hour away by 9:05. 

Ten minutes to eight is sort of cutting it close, no?

Ten minutes past eight is fucking impossible.  So I asked you;

"How do you pick up two more kids and get to school on time?"

"Oh. We don't get there on time. We're late every day."

Yeah. 'Cause being Deaf, he's already so far ahead of the game he can just miss those precious minutes of school.

I did some poking around, and discovered that you're getting off on a technicality; the bus line is so long that the fact that you show up last goes unnoticed. And Owen isn't missing any class time.

But fuck you anyway, for being so nonchalant about not getting my kid to school on time.

And for not getting fucking dressed to do your job.  The kids are Deaf, not Blind.  They can see the Tweety Bird jammie pants and fuzzy slippers. 

And?  Even though you got a free pass on the late thing, I don't think I'm gonna let the fact that you flew into my driveway the other morning yapping on your cell phone, and continued to yap away as I got Owen buckled in.

Not. Fucking. Cool.

*******

In order to kill a couple hours of a rainy afternoon, I suggested Bea and friend Mya watch a movie.

“Ok! Surprise us!”

They sat on the couch hands over eyes vibrating with giddy anticipation as I put Horton Hears a Who! in the DVD player.

When they heard it start up they uncovered their eyes and Bea squealed;

“Yes! I LOVE Horny In the Hoo!"

Preaching to the choir sister.

*******

A professional photographer took the girls' photos at preschool and we were able to look at the proofs online.

Bea's were cute.

Mya?  She's gorgeous. 

When Owen saw Mya's pictures he transformed into a cartoon version of himself with his tongue hanging to the floor and puffy throbbing hearts shooting out of his eyes.

Hopes for gay son officially dashed.

As we perused the kids' pictures, I definitely did not point out an unfortunate snaggletoothed looking little girl to Owen, and ask him if he thought she was pretty.

That would be a terrible thing to do.

And Owen didn't hesitate before answering;

"Yes?"

And I'd never press the issue and ask,

“Really? You think she's pretty?”

And children are rarely honest about such things, so he didn't reply,

“No. Not pretty.”


*******

I got blasted on Twatter once for talking about ugly children:

@tulpenelefanten

Whenever I am surrounded by a large group of children, I am always amazed by how many ugly ones there are out there.

(Apparently there is a way to get the actual Tweet to appear here, but I'm not sober Twatter savvy enough to pull that shit off.)

The retweet, which I'm not posting because I think some of you know her, was along the lines of,

"No child is ugly."

Ummmm... how do you think ugly people start out?

Yep. As ugly children.

A couple Twats went on to discuss what an awful human I am for calling a child ugly.

Yeah, because I marched right up to the troll and said to its face;

"Man!  You're about as ugly as a barrel of smashed assholes!"

Yeah. I did THAT.

I didn't post a stupid Tweet that about 12 people saw (and many of you sickos Retweeted, what is wrong with you?).

*******

Well. 

It is a good thing that Owen is beautiful and covered in sexy scars which are sure to score him all sorts of tail, because Deaf kid won't be wooing the ladies with his singing voice,

video

I had half a mind to drag a fork across a plate as accompaniment.

*******

43 comments:

  1. I'm assuming being on the cell phone while driving a school bus is illegal, no? Can you report that?? Also... I must be a bad person too. I don't believe all babies are cute. I've been yelled at many a time for stating such a hateful belief. But I still stand by it. Ah well...

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  2. I may have to find that Twitter account I created, quickly grew bored of (because nobody followed me, haha) and then abandoned. I totally would have retweeted that. If I knew how. :)

    And also? Owen sounds better than half the crap on the radio these days, if you ask me.

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  3. Oh fuck no she didn't! (the bus driver)

    Oh fuck no...she didn't? (Bea and the horny hoo)

    Oh fuck no. She didn't. (you getting owen to admit that little girl is fugly)

    Oh fuck no! She didn't! (that judgy chic who act like she don't know some kids is ugly)

    Oh fuck... No...He didn't ; )

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  4. Ugly kids reminded me of something. I worked at this school and there was this girl who went to school there, she was 12 and gorgeous. Long lean legs, long hair that looked like golden rays of silky sunshine, a complexion that made clean and clear/cover girl models look like hags. Already about 5 foot 8 and just completely gorgeous. So one day this hoosier couple are roaming the halls and making their way to a classroom and they go to the door and the completely beautiful girl goes to them and I'm wondering why are THEY talking to her? Poor girl I felt I needed to save her, their ugliness might rub off. I mean the guy had wire hair and a wire dirty gray beard and he was fat (she was very, very lean), and the mom, she was shorter than the short wire hair fat guy....and her hair looked stringy...both were just not anywhere near as pretty as she......Well, I asked someone, "Who are those two people" and someone told me "Carley's Parents!" I was like "Was she adopted?!" and laughed and they were like "No? What makes that funny?" I was like have you seen THEM, have you seen HER? They didn't get it?

    Well....google Karlie Kloss and you'll see what I'm talking about.

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  5. I don't get how ugly people can have beautiful children. Rare, but true.

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  6. Of course there are ugly children. We've all seen two godawful fugly people hook up and thought "oh good GOD, I hope they don't procreate". But they do, and what happens? UGLY KID.
    That bus driver needs to quit that job and become a taxi driver.

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  7. I remember worrying if my kids were ugly. I mean I thought they were gorgeous, but then my opinion would be bias, right? I mean, do parents of ugly kids actually realize their kids are ugly? That saying "a face only a mother could love" had to come from somewhere, right? Sigh, I will just lean on the safe side and stay convinced that my kids are the have all and end all of childhood beauty.
    I just realized I am leaving long comments everywhere. I'm on a blogcation and i may be suffering from withdrawals.

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  8. Okay, the bus thing? Not fucking okay. Not at all. Fuck that.

    Also: I just retweeted your ugly kid thing, even though it was, like, 3 months ago.

    Worth it.

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  9. ok. this is pretty hilarious. and i love your tag!

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  10. Did you ever see the Seinfeld Ugly Baby episode? You must.

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  11. Ugly children? Totally everywhere. But apparently we have to be kind. My policy is to say nothing.

    Owen's bus driver? Douchecanoe.

    Owen's singing voice? Better than mine.

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  12. "Douchecanoe." Buahahahaha!
    As if there wasn't enough to laugh about in this post. Googlied Karlie Kloss - that's the kid Rebecca went to school with?
    Frankly, I hated the good looking kids. Snotty buggers, usually.

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  13. Yeah, I had an UGLY baby. Preemie, shriveled, scrawny chicken legs and arms (with oddly long fingers - or at least they looked oddly long in comparison to the peanut-iness of the rest of her), covered with dark hair, yellow as a lemon from jaundice.... It was *months* before I could look at her and not think "oh my, this is an ugly baby" - not that I didn't *love* her, I'm just saying, if I ever called her breathtaking, it was totally in homage to the Seinfeld episode someone referenced above.

    And when people told me she was beautiful? I laughed in their faces. I know I had a wizened, little old man baby, no need to lie out of politeness' sake.

    I think that singing kind of rocked, but then again I've been "treated" to a neverending, lyric-mangling rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody that only occasionally approaches the correct key for the past two weeks, so my basis for comparison is a bit skewed.

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  14. I have a theory (tip: don't read) - that everyone is beautiful for one period of their life at least. Ever notice how some kids are beautiful babies or toddlers or teens but then,ahem,change. Also I've observed so called ugly people that become increasingly beautiful as they age. And adults that are great until they have babies (wish I had known that one, LOL).
    It is illegal to be on a cell phone and drive a bus!

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  15. The bus driver deserves to be kicked in the tweety bird pajama pants...HARD! And then still reported for the lateness and the cell phone. I bet the new bus driver is timely and understands the importance of ferrying tiny people vs gabbing with big people about likely unimportant crap.

    How dare you breathe life to the myth of ugly children? Don't you read snopes? They don't exist. Ha! Of course, the offended twat was clearly an ugly parent of an ugly child and waist-deep in denial of that truth.

    Good thing Owen will be a dress-wearing super hero with some other super power than singing...really who wants to sing the villain to death anyway?!

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  16. I love "Horny and the Hoo"!

    And I love that you got in a twitter fight. That is something I never saw coming.

    Yeah, right.

    Did you also leave me an insulting comment about my spelling and grammar. ;)

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  17. I am a teacher and I say, yes, there are LOTS of ugly kids in this world. Nice, but ugly.

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  18. According to my mother (and why would she lie) I started out life as an ugly baby, underweight, wrinkly with that shriveled monkey face small babies sometimes have. And her first words to me were "You may not be the most beautiful baby in the world, but you're mine, all mine!"

    And then they took me home and fattened me up and I became adorable and never looked back (what? I should stop fattening up already? NOW you tell me?)

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  19. Oh, and I forgot to say you should take an iPhone video of the lovely bus driver in her hideous jammies yakking away in her cell phone and post the sucker on YouTube.

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  20. I kind of love the fact that you are

    A. Hoping for a gay son.

    B. Confident your son (regardless of orientation) will score lots of tail.

    C. Drunk.

    Awesome.

    (And anyone who says "no child is ugly" has never set foot on a middle school campus.

    Or

    has really ugly kids.)

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  21. I'd be all over short bus driver like a bad habit. What a butt-munch.

    And there are ugly kids. When I worked in a ped. hospital and you'd see a really ugly one you'd always wait to get a genetics consult to see if the parents were as ugly as the kid. 9 times out of 10 there was nothing wrong with the kid but ugly.

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  22. Wait - don't they drown the ugly kids?

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  23. I certainly hope your reported that bus drivers sorry ass, or at the very least gave her the finger.

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  24. OK, when Sarah was born, they put her next to me, I was all sweaty and high on my natural birth self. So the WORLD was beautiful. I looked at her and here is the God's honest truth, what I thought, (b/c I tell people ALL the time) "Oh. Well. We're going to have to girl you up!" She was an exact replica of my husband. And he did NOT make a pretty infant. I couldn't stop laughing. It was THAT bad. Thankfully she's outgrown it completely and is a gorgeous child (duh). However, she takes a pretty odd picture, I have to say.
    And the Seinfield episode? Totally. Breathtaking, just breathtaking.

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  25. I usually get called out because I think my kid is "cute" and not the requisite "beautiful" title that almost everyone else bestows upon their children.
    I also think that most babies look like aliens when they're first born. Even my own. :-)

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  26. What's with the Twitter police and the fucking tsk-tsking all the time? First I was told that I'm not allowed to use the word "tranny" (WHAT????) and then I got all taken to task because I was jawing about fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome (regarding @autismarmymom 's comment/joke about fibro...blah blah blah). Comment/joke? OK, judge/jury. People need to get the fuck over themselves.

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  27. That bus thing would so have me going from "You fucker you mess with my kid's education I will report you" to "Mmmm an extra twenty minutes in bed." About the phone? I would threaten to hunt him down if he ever did that again. Not cool indeed.

    Oh, and some children are definitely ugly.

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  28. I've had a shitty day. And this? This was EXACTLY the humor I needed to lift my mood. Laughed out loud, then read it out loud to my husband and laughed again. I have a friend who is adorable. She has two of the homliest daughters I've ever seen. I feel like such a shithead everytime I think it, but they are just not good looking children. Sweet? yes. Cute? yes (in personality) Pretty? NO WAY.

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  29. omg---what happened to the cell phone talking bus driver? cos seriously? that is not cool at all.
    horny in the hoo indeed! lol. i had never seen it and made my kids watch it w/ me on mother's day. great fun.
    we recently went to a local fair type thing. when you're in a large group of people you tend to notice how ugly so many people are, kids included. it makes me feel sad for their parents.

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  30. I missed that tweet, but totally would have re-tweeted it if I had seen it. That's funny.

    And of course there are ugly children - calling them ugly to their face would be mean & worthy of wrath and scorn. Commenting about the possibility? Funny.

    Methinks that anyone who would "call you out" is the parent of an ugly child. And worse, they know they're the parent of an ugly child.

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  31. The bus driver? I'd report that mess to the bus company. WTF?

    As for the comment about ugly children, this reminds me of a song! Maybe your boy child could learn it. Here is a sampling of the lyrics:

    You're pretty on the inside
    And that's better
    than not pretty at all
    You're pretty on the inside
    Too bad
    I'm an outside-kind-of-pretty guy
    (Ceann, "Pretty on the Inside")

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  32. Wtf, I think I usually commute to work behind your asshole busdriver. Dude, put the phone down and pretend you care about those kids. You're driving the short bus, not riding it.

    People love to lie about cute little kids. Makes them feel better about themselves.

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  33. I'm hoping for a gay son too. Jury's still out on mine.

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  34. Know what freaks me out? When two pretty people make an ugly kid. I was really nervous before Alaina was born -- not gonna lie.

    Some day I will start tweeting again. Maybe.

    Horny in the Hoo! LOL.

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  35. If Horny in the Hoo isn't a porno it should be.

    Everyone who shops at WalMart knows that some kids are ugly.

    I had something else super-witty to say but my family has drained all the snark right out of me with their demands. HELP.

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  36. Laughing...too...hard...to...type

    Ugly happens, yo. The hilarity of the twat-police jumping in on your commentary is the stuff good Mondays are made of.

    Also, report the hell outta that bus driver. That is unforgivable.

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  37. This is just what I needed this morning...a visit over here. I love this place, it always makes me either think, smile, snort my coffee, or all of the above.

    Today? All of the above. And I read this about the bus driver after watching the bus driver at the school I work at block three other cars because she was too busy on her cell phone. And most likely wearing jammies.

    And I am so bummed I missed the Ugly Kid tweets! Too funny....

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  38. That bus driver should burn in hell, or at least be stuck driving the short bus, sans cell phone, for the rest of her days.

    Also, hubby and I are ugly and somehow our kid came out gorgeous. Go figure.

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  39. They're deaf, not blind. Only you. Not to mention your twatter one liners totally make my day. VCR porn. Awesome.

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  40. Bus driver on cell phone? 100% bullshit. Hell to the no.

    I was an ugly kid. I'm kinda an ugly adult, to be honest.

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  41. I'm just catching up on all your delicious posts, ear gunk included.

    And there are ugly children. Lots. Especially ugly newborns. Unicorns aren't real either.

    Idiots.

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  42. p.s. Nancy is NOT ugly. Humble, yes.

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