Tuesday, March 22, 2011

That Deaf And Blind Kid Sure Plays A Mean Pin The Tail On The Donkey

A few years ago, my friend Jenna and I were discussing her new patient.  Our supervisor Mark was walking by the nurse's station just as Jenna was describing this patient as 'Deaf as a Haddock'. Mark's face fell with stern disapproval as he asked Jenna to step into his office.

A minute later, Jenna came out of the office, a befuddled looking Mark right behind her as she wiped tears off her face. 

Tears of laughter;

"He just reprimanded me for the 'Deaf as Haddock' comment!  Bwahahahahaha!"

Mocking Mark;

"'You know Tulpen has a Deaf son right? You wouldn't want to hurt her feelings.' He thought I'd offended you!  YOU!!!!  Bwahahahahahahahah!!"

Poor Mark.  In defending my tender sensibilities in regards to my unfortunate circumstances, he was left feeling like a tool.  Attempting to redeem himself, he told me a wickedly dirty and inappropriate Deaf joke:

Bob and Mary are a newlywed Deaf couple, who communicate only in Sign.  Since they cannot communicate once the lights are out, Mary decides on a signal that Bob will use to let her know he wants to have sex;

Mary: "If you want to have sex, touch my right breast.  If you don't want to have sex, touch my left breast."

Bob:  "Ok.  And if you want to have sex, stroke my penis once.  If you don't want to have sex, stroke my penis 537 times."

Love that joke.

So yeah, difficult to offend me.  And?  Though I don't go out of my way to make people squirm, it does tend to happen often.

This past weekend Bea attended a birthday party for a preschool friend Ella.  Owen tagged along.

I know the Mommies from school hardly at all, and they knew nothing of Owen until I started introducing him, signing and talking.  Flashes of recognition on their faces - I was one of those Mommies. No questions were asked. 

The kids all ran off and the Mommies congregated in the kitchen discussing the latest Land's End catalog.  Having nothing to add to that conversation, I parked myself on the couch in front of the chip bowl, next to birthday girl's dad.

A big Polynesian looking guy, tall, round, ever smiling, and possibly drunk, the first thing he does is pepper me with questions about Owen.  Guys can be better at this I've learned.  Curiosity without the pity is my favorite.  He ended up hearing most of Owen's story.

The time came for party games. A girly version of Pin The Tail On The Donkey; each kid had a princess sticker they were to try to stick in the tower.  The kids lined up, birthday girl first, Owen next to last.

When his turn was up, Ella's Mommy did what she'd done to all the other kids;  blindfolded Owen.

Which I thought was hysterical;

"Nice!  Blindfold the Deaf kid!  Total sensory deprivation time!"

Ella's Mommy, horror stricken, sputtered some uncomfortable apologies as she finished tying the knot at the back of Owen's head.  Other Mommies stared blankly at me, faces frozen, clueless as to what the appropriate response should be.

Drunk Tiki God Daddy nearly spit his gin and tonic across the kitchen, before proceeding to laugh his ass off.  I accepted a glass of Chardonnay from him as we continued giggling.

Mommies scattered toward dining room for cake and ice cream, looking at Tiki God and myself like we were ass holes.

Which is an important lesson for the Mommies to learn.  That Mommies of the especially needy can be jerks just like normie Mommies.

And that a blinded Deaf kid will mop the fucking floor with the sighted Hearing kids at Put the Princess in the Tower.


  1. Giggling at the newlywed joke, and at the image of the drunken Tiki God Dad. :-) Sadly, I am the mother of a Child Who Always Cheats at Pin the Tail on the Donkeyesque games. *Always* cheats. She manages to find a way to peek out/under/over the blindfold no matter what. Makes me ashamed to be her mother, that does...

  2. Awesome joke and good for Owen for kicking their asses!!!

  3. loving the tiki god dad image and the fact that owen kicked their asses. priceless would have been a pick of those landendbuyingsociallyinept mom's faces!

  4. I love your attitude and your sense of humor as a mom and a person.

    I have a feeling you are going to be "schoolin" other people about life in general for quite some time.

    Unfortunately, there will always be the ones that just don't get it.

    that is all

  5. oh my god, tulpen, you just made me spit out all over the screen.

    Oh...you are so my type.

    I'll bet the big samoan asked you to marry him right after that, didn't he?

    That was so good, I'm going to read it twice.

    How people in real life aren't falling all over each other to get face time with you, I'll never know.

    How do they not know they have tulpen, right.there.

  6. Fucking brilliant. You gotta keep them normies on their toes, or they'll coo and "aww" you to death.

  7. I'm pretty sure I am the daughter of that first commenter. Class A cheater at pointless party games.

  8. Deaf sex jokes for the mother fucking win!!

    Yes, we mommies to the especially needy can be extra jerky :)

  9. I seriously heart you! You made my day.

  10. Over-sensitivity really, really bothers me. My son is adopted and it makes people afraid to even bring up the topic around me.

    I absolutely loved that newlywed joke.

  11. Now that is funny especially the joke.

  12. Just lost my comment - something about normal mommies being jerks and tiki god dads being way cool.
    Give the kids smoochies.

  13. Freakin' hilarious. Still laughing, getting read to read the whole post again. Just to laugh some more.


  14. Love the joke. I'm afraid to tell it to my husband. It might give him ideas.

  15. I am always amazed at the stories involving the ignorant "norm" moms.
    I just don't get them.

    This makes me want to make efforts to introduce my norm kids to kids outside of that horrible word, just to insure that they don't act like or grow up to be ass holes.

  16. I am SO gonna tell John that joke. I wish he were more into blogs. This would have made his day. :-)

  17. Fucking awesome! Love the name Tiki God Dad.
    And I so would have said that if you didn't.
    No, mommies don't usually like me either.

  18. "curiosity without the pity" is an awesome line! i am glad you found a tiki god comrade at the party. i have such birthday party attendance insecurities to the point that i'll find a way to decline the invitation unless i really like the parents. i cannot bond over lands end catalogs.

  19. ROFL I love it. It takes a lot to offend me, and I have a habit of finding potentially offensive things hilarious, so I often find myself saying something inappropriate.

    Oh well, at least I crack myself up.

  20. Ok, this was hilarious and just what I fucking needed today, so a big THANK YOU to you!! I wish I coulda been there with you and drunken Tiki God Dad!!

  21. I think I'd be with the Tiki God, too - he sounds way cooler than the Land's End Mommies. pshaw.

  22. This line,
    "Nice! Blindfold the Deaf kid! Total sensory deprivation time!"
    Made me laugh my ass off.

    If we don't do these things to our children then what will they talk about when they get older?

    It is our duty.. our responsibility to create opportunities such as these!

    Sure, they may need therapy.

    Who doesn't.

  23. Brilliant!! I would have totally been sharing drinks with the Tiki God and laughing at the uptight mommies. And bonus points to Owen for kicking some princess ass! Every princess needs to know her place, and apparently that is shoved in a tower by a blinded deaf kid.

  24. I don't think that men ever feel sorry for women under any circumstances. And I guess that's actually appropriate sometimes.

  25. There is no better ally at a kid's birthday party than a fat drunk man.

    Btw, I disagree with Lynn. I feel sorry for her every time she tries to match wits with me.

  26. Drunk Tiki God Dads are the best!

  27. My skinny hearing kid could kick your deaf kids butt while blind folded. Or something like that.

    Where do you find all these disfunctional moms? I want to meet them.

  28. I think I love Drunk Tiki God Daddy!

  29. I'm new to your blog -- came here through your sister -- and I think I already love you. I can't wait to read more --

  30. I think I'd have hung around w/ drunk Tiki guy and you.

    If you'd let me have any chips, that is.

  31. Oh, god, you're one of THOSE Mommies?

    I was not aware of this....

  32. Awesome. Booze and inappropriate comments at a kid's party, my kind of fun!!

  33. Um... am I the only person questioning the game put the princess in the tower????

    Also, I have no idea what a haddock is - is that a fish?

    Are fish deaf?

    I don't know what's true anymore.

  34. That was freaking hilarious! Girl, I don't know how it happened, but I'm glad I stumbled onto this blog. You are my kinda people. :)


  35. um, that is a GOOD joke. lol

    and blindfolding your son?! you/they should be ashamed. just kidding!

  36. 3 licks to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, 537 strokes to get at the cream filling.

  37. Sorry I missed this until now...we were away for a few days and I'm still playing catch up. Anyway, LOVE that. Love the joke, love the Owen story. Love you. People just don't understand that a good sense of humor, especially a dark sense of humor, can help right so many wrongs. And the cool thing is, both Owen and Bea will take that with them as they get older.

  38. I HATE birthday parties to the point my kids didn't have them until their friends were old enough to be unaccompanied by a parent.

    But I would totally go to a birthday party if you and Chardonnay were there.

    Wiping coffee spit off the screen with the sensory deprivation line

    xoxoxo mucho

  39. Have I told you lately that I love you? No? Well then. I do.

  40. Bwahahahahaha! Catching up on my blog reading... (I know, I'm always lame, like a 3-legged donkey) and your inappropriate deaf joke made me spit my soda all over my keyboard. I wouldn't have minded so much if it was my work keyboard...!

    Sheesh, and some people need to learn to take a joke. Not everything needs to be so damn serious. In fact, most things shouldn't be.

    Except purses.
    And shoes.
    And cake.


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