Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Well, I Guess For The Squirrel, It Really Was A Cane In The Butt.

Sometimes I do not very smart things,  like make appointments for Owen at 8:30 in the morning.  A 45 minute drive away, towards the city.

Which means I've got to get myself and both kids up and out the door by 7am  (we usually get out of bed around 7am)  so as to give ample time to sit in traffic.

The coffee pot shitting the bed and pouring its contents all over the counter at 6:15 did not bode well for my morning.

Nor did Owen dunking my brand new, open, Bare Minerals in a full sink of water.

But out the door we go, at exactly 7:08am.

And Owen does his usual anxiety reducing self talk therapy all the way there;

"Just the Hear It Game Sweetie.  Not get the gunk (ear wax) out.  Nope.  Not the doctor Sweetie.  Not hurt.  Just play the Hear It Game.  Like the Hear It Game right sweetie?  Not get the gunk out right Mom?"

"No buddy.  (For the 527th time this morning)  Not get the gunk out.  Just the Hear It Game".

And just as I had predicted, we hit traffic, completely stopped;  about 7 feet from our exit.

Which brings us to our appointment a full half hour early.  Which gives Owen a full half hour to convince himself that I'd lied to him and he was really going to get the gunk out.

"Where doctor?  Right or Left?  Don't see doctor yet.  Where is she?"

"No doctor.  Just the Hear It Game."  On repeat another 527 times while he crawls all over me, sucking his bottom lip as he does when he's freaking out, and rubbing my boobs, which he just does all the time.  It is very wrong, I know.

I myself am sporting a mild anxiety attack as this would be the first time I'd brought Bea to a hearing test. I wouldn't be able to sit in the room with Owen this time. He'd be on his own behind the glass in the sound proof room.

Another first?  Video of a hearing test.

He is obviously relieved that he is in fact going to be playing the Hear It Game.  

As I was relieved that Bea kept so quiet while the audiologist did her thing.

He gets words wrong;  he signs 'popcorn' when she says 'hot dog'.

He gets words wrong all the time;

The other morning, a few minutes after I'd declared Olive (horrid dog) a "Pain my my butt", I heard Owen telling Bea:

"You're being a cane in my butt!"

Also not surprised to learn that his loss has gotten a wee bit worse.  She noticed a dip at around 4000 hertz.  A pretty high frequency, higher than Bea's squeaky cartoon voice. 

So, I will have to find a way to break it to Owen that he will never be a piano tuner, a sound effects editor, an air traffic controller,  nor will he ever converse with dolphins.  So sad.

By the time we get back on the road, the world is safely tucked away in jobs or classrooms, and we get to Owen's school in quick time.

Owen bounds toward the stairs, excited to show me his room.

On the stairs, a tall, wavy black-with-sexy-dash-of-white haired, big blue eyed, navy shirt and nicely filled out Dockers wearing gentleman greets Owen.  In sign.

Mr. L.L. Bean model introduces himself as Owen's ASL interpreter.

I manage to not fall down stairs as he makes small talk with Owen.  In sign.

I let out a pathetic my baby's all grown up yelp when Owen arrives at his LOCKER and throws in his backpack and jacket.  I didn't know he had a locker.

I tell his teacher about the test.  She is not surprised.  Or concerned.

L.L. Bean model interprets my words to Deaf aide and students.

I make mental note to inquire about the need for a classroom volunteer.

And I drag a reluctant Bea out of room, she is worried about her friend Jack.  He is in Owen's class, but he's sad this day, because the doctor hurt his tail.  Because today, like most days, Jack is a Deaf squirrel.

I reassure Bea that Jack will be just fine, and promise her yes, we'll come back some day and peek at him through the window.


So Sherri is doing this Wednesday Windows thing.   With the video through a window, and peeking at Deaf squirrels (and hawt interpreters) through a window, I thought I'd link on up.


  1. You did it- and everyone made it and no canes were stuffed up anyones ass- good job mama!

  2. Bea always cracks me up. I love her deaf squirrel friend Jack.

  3. Bea is awesome. When John was a baby and sick all the time, Violet's dolls would always puke on her. I love how the kids just bring the world back to normal.

  4. I want a hawt interpreter...with me, daily. Is that wrong?

  5. Today is one of those days where I just need an interpreter. Any kind. Also, I am totally borrowing 'cane in my butt'. That is freakin' hilarious!

  6. Go Owen, way to be a big boy! (Even if you are growing up faster than your mom would like ;-) I just LOVE watching how confident he is in that booth with his AUDIOLOGIST SIGNING TO HIM! Amazing!!! Your boy is lucky to have a mama like you to fight for him and find these great resources :-D

  7. I'm kinda glad my kid still has a hook and cubby in the classroom. I don't think I could handle a locker yet. Not to mention the kid can barely manage to tie her shoes properly, so there's no way in hell she'd be able to manage the lock on the locker.

    Unless there are no locks on the lockers at Owen's school? That would make sense at that age level.

    Okay, never mind. My mind is mush today thanks to being stuck home with a slightly-sick kid (damn flu shot makes her sick *every* time) and I've thus been forced to endure 10 practically-nonstop hours of NPR's Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back serials as blasted from her iPod. I'm strongly tempted to Use the Force myself at this point, even if it is only to take a shower and put on some clean jammies before Hubby gets home from work......

    Anyhow, I hope you have many opportunities to volunteer in the classroom with Hunky ASL Interpreter. My kid had a hunky OT for half a year in preschool (then he quit to go to another, better paying school, dangit) and all the womenfolk, grown-ups and children alike (and some of the menfolk too) would get all fluttery and giggly and weak-kneed when he'd come into the classroom. Somehow I always managed to wind up sitting next to him in team meetings....... :-D

  8. Hmmm... a cane up someone's butt sounds a bit... cramped... :oD


  9. I commend you perseverance. Moments after finding a defunct coffee situation I'd have been aborting the mission.

  10. I too make appointments that are way too early for me and the kids to get to without a screaming match at the house. Why oh why do I do this?

  11. Wow. A deaf squirrel for a boyfriend, huh? Bea knows how to pick them.

    How cool is the ASL interpreter? And eye candy, to boot? Both you and Owen lucked out on that one ;)

  12. I so would have been done after the dunking o' the makeup. And Owen's anxiety would have BROKEN me!
    Gawd, you are disgustingly strong. And then NOT falling down at the site of hot docker translator.

    Sigh. You=My Hero.

  13. Way to go Owen. I want Jack the Deaf Squirrel to be a cartoon, I'd watch that one.

  14. p.s. thanks for linking to ww. and to my headers site - you so awesome.

  15. Audrey rubs my boobs all the time...UNDER my shirt. so wrong.

    Love the video...never seen him sign before. Love the reflection of you videoing him.

  16. For the record, he's so fucking cute!!!

    And maybe Bea WAS being a cane in the butt. Just sayin'

  17. Gosh, he is just a gorgeous kid. Watching him sign so quickly is really amazing. A smart cookie too!
    PS- Is that you shooting the video? I can see the reflection in the glass. Whomever it is, is smiling. :)

  18. Ack.

    Give them both a smoochie from me.

  19. I want a hot dog and some popcorn and ice cream... served by a Hot Docker ASL cupcake interpreter. Yum.

  20. A hawt ASL interpretor? I can think of a few signs for that.. :-)

  21. Maybe that hawt interpreter needs to give me some private lessons. Hubba-hubba.

  22. Dolphins are uppity fucks anyway. They never want to talk about anything other than themselves.

  23. i think a coffee pot explosion conspiracy is brewing. mine included, this is the third account i've heard in as many days of a java maker going apeshit. fourth, actually. i went into z's espresso for a treat after having my mouth overhauled at the dentist this morning, and their espresso maker was fried. no espresso. sucked.

  24. The sign for popcorn is pretty much the most awesome sign ever.

    When something goes wrong with my morning coffee it's usually a warning sign I'll come close to committing homicide by the end of the day.

  25. Bummer that Owen will never be able to converse with dolphins. ;)

    And I hate getting the gunk cleaned out too. Delia is terrified of her doctor for the same reason, and I still occasionally have flashbacks to warm water being blasted into my ear to get the gunk out (while holding a pan near my ear to catch the crap). *shudders*

  26. amazeballs post. Loved seeing your kiddo in action, even if he gets words wrong sometimes. he's cute as can be. and you are a fucking awesome mom. like someone else said, i'd have totally crumbled after that morning. i had to take mine for flu shots yesterday and that was bad enough.

    kudos to you, lady! loved the videos. so cool to see him doing this thing.

  27. I don't blame him for freaking out, thinking that the doctor might have to dig the gunk out of his ears. That's a pretty horrific situation, makes my 11 year old freak out, too.

    Funny we have "popcorn" and "hot dog" on our word list, too. Is there one huge master list? You'd think the kids would have the words memorized after 500 audiology exams and be able to predict which is coming next.

  28. i lose my mind going to the doctor. i cannot imagine how stressful and anxious it must be to take two kids to the doctor. eeek! you handle it better than i would!

  29. "I will have to find a way to break it to Owen that he will never be a piano tuner, a sound effects editor, an air traffic controller, nor will he ever converse with dolphins. So sad."

    I LOVE your attitude.

  30. my 7 year old just looked over my shoulder and saw the thumbnail of your blog on my top sites page, and said, "OOOH, BAD WORDS! let's go there, I want to read that one!"

  31. Owen, Bea AND the LL Bean model are making me all schmoopy up in here.

    You're a damn good momma, anyone ever tell you that?

  32. look at that kid's smile. you're right. fucking cute.

  33. What is it about little boys and rubbing boobs? I know at some point I'm going to have to cut my son off, but it just doesn't bother me like I suppose it should. I wonder how long Mr. L.L. Bean felt up his Mama?

  34. When you write on Owen, I am left speechless.

    All I can do, is finish reading, then go back up and read case I missed even one word.

  35. You make a doctor's appointment and school visit special with the way that you write....

    Where's the video of the interpreter.....?


Use Your Words.