Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Hey! I'm Randomly Rambling About Random Shit.



Hey Bea,

This imaginary friend thing you've got going on?  So damn cute I wanna squish you til your head pops off.

I love that Jack is Deaf like your brother, and that sometimes, he is a squirrel. 

I was listening the other night, as you ate your soup, talking to your friends, sharing your meal.  And when I questioned you about who was at the table with you?

Aylie.  That is a cute name.  Perfectly adorable and appropriate.

But.  The other person at the table?  His name?

The granddaddy of bad words.  Not just a curse word, but an 'F' word loaded with ignorance and hate.

I would have understood if your new friend's name was 'Skankass', or 'Assclown', or even 'Motherfucker'. 

But this very bad 'F' word?

You've NEVER heard this word in this house.  Or on TV.  Or from anyone you've been around.

I'm quite confident that you've never actually heard this word.


It had to have come from your imagination.

Put it back.


Hey Stupid Arcade At Stupid Sports Bar That is A Stupid Place For A Deaf Kid Birthday Party,

These little credit card thingies that you need to play the games?  They are easier than plain old fashioned tokens?

I totally see it;

1.  Get the card (which is supposed to have 30 tokens loaded onto it for the birthday party kids),

2.  Try card every which way on several games getting same "ERROR" message on every game while trying to soothe anxious Deaf kid.

3. Find kiosk that is supposed to let me load money on card.

4.Find kiosk that isn't out of order and wait many minutes for turn at kiosk, while trying to soothe anxious, pissed off Deaf kid who can't hear a fucking thing in your loud ass fucking arcade.

5. Find attendant and cut him off mid sentence as he starts to school me on how ridiculous cards work.

6.  Attendant finally admits that card is indeed fucked. 

7.  Wait while he gets fist fulls of tokens that I have to then;

8. Take to fucking kiosk and wait for turn while anxious, pissed off, now crying Deaf kid watches all his friends collect thousands of tickets with which to trade in for worthless carnival crap toys.

9. Attempt to salvage arcade fun by playing games FOR anxious, pissed off, crying, jealous Deaf kid so as to acquire enough tickets with which to trade for worthless carnival crap toys.

This system?

You can shove up your Skee-Ball chute.


Hey Death,

Yeah, I'm talking to you.  You are a jerk.

I wasn't mad at you for taking Marian.  It was her time.  After living a long, challenging, FULL life, her time had indeed come.  She left with little suffering, her children at her side and Elvis on the radio.

But my friend's mother?  My kids' friends' Nana?

Fifty Fucking Three?  Really?

On fucking Thanksgiving?


Fuck you and your four horsemen and your sissy scythe.

What.  You're not busy enough?  I've got a pretty long list you could pick away at.

Fucking Bully.


Hey MommaKiss,

I thought you knew me better.

I was all jumpy and clappy when I saw the little gifty package in the mailbox.

Do you know how long it would take me to get drunk using this teeny thing?

Fuck it.  I just hung it on the tree.  Hope you don't mind.

teehee thanks!

Hey E!,

Why the fuck didn't I come up with this concept for a reality show?

Oh yeah.

I have a SOUL that's why.


Hey Everyone,

My first giveaway!!!

Fucking jewelry!!!

Coming Thursday. 


More Random at UnMom


  1. of course i'll be the first to ask what the hell the f bomb was that bea said! it's driving me crazy. i'm thinking of all the f words i know.

  2. LOL @ that Bridal show. Now THAT's bad.

  3. The bridal show!! It was on the night, and even I, who gawked at Sister Wives, and the Kardashians, and The Girls Next Door for a few episodes, could.not.turn it on. It made me physically ill. *shudders* The other night, while at a friends house for dinner, my kids, led my the frieds daughter, came downstairs swaying their hips saying "we're sexy." That word was bad enough for me. This 'f' word I think you speak of? OH.MY. Good times. And good luck!

  4. Oh goodness, that arcade thing made my blood pressure skyrocket. Why do people have to be stupid?

  5. The only competition where the winner gets cut. .......Totally love that line from the poster.

    Ohhh a giveaway. Hope I win!

  6. I'm wondering about the f word too.

  7. If it's the f word I'm thinking, that words been on the news a lot lately, with all the trouble that it's causing. Damn.

    PB's only response to the bridal show? "What the hell? Who wants to marry someone who doesn't look like the girl you proposed to??

    And those stupid arcade things? Grrrr. I hate that damn mouse.

  8. Did Bea call his kid a name that rhymes with Rag? Or Hag? Because - wow - how did she ever hear that? It MUST be her imagination.

    Bitch - is supposed to go on the damn tree! But - when I get my tree up, you'll see that my glass also goes on the tree and then? We'll send pictures of each other doing shots. Yah??? Done.

    Death is a the Motherfucker of all Motherfuckers.

  9. Oh, how I hate death! Hate. Hate. Hate.

    But my love for Bea and her awesomeness is strong.

  10. Hmmm... I'm ready to go cuss someone... Be right back!!! :oD


  11. You would have to refill that glass several times with everclear for even a slight buzz, but it does look pretty good on your tree and it is so Mommakiss. I'm surprised it doesn't talk back.

    So what are you giving away? I hear Mads Mom needs a new nipple ring.

  12. Piss on death. Bastard.

    Arcade Birthday place...burn it to the ground. Idiots. That places pisses me off to the core.

    Saw the commercials for this show being hyped all weekend. I love that E! is the one pushing this kind of brain sewage. Craptastic.

  13. Love me some Bea. Let me talk to her, I can teach her all kinds of f words that SOUND bad. We can have some fun.

    Fuck Death and his fucking scythe.

    Do you know how many refills that damn little chalis needs to get me tipsy? And I'm the pregnant lady, come on, MommaKiss! I'll be sharing a pic too!

    And yes, nipple ring, maybe I'll pierce my eyebrow for the occasion...I do some crazy shit for jewelry. I can do some stuff to Poppy if it gets me a prize!

  14. Just here for the smack talking about shots of everclear and nipple rings.

    Pregnant one. You can have at least one shot. Your kid will only be slightly cross-eyed.

  15. 'stupid arcade at stupid sports bar' is a winner of a list for sure! actually your entire post pretty much qualifies!

    deeply sorry about your friend's mother. that's so sad, and so wrong at such a young age.

  16. Can I just say that your blog is my new absolute FAVORITE!!!

    I seriously just broke a rib reading this post because I was laughing so hard.

    Thanks....I really needed that.

  17. Ok. You won.
    I'm your newest follower.
    You can thank Sunday for that.
    I read. I saw. I followed.
    And I KNEW what that "F" word was the moment I read it.

  18. Ouch...Bea's word. Had to be something from the news. Sounds like she needs to be watching fewer kids shows and watching more Bravo or LOGO programming...RuPaul has a delightful show about drag queens that would fix her up right. Hell, Jack would surely be more of a cross-dressing squirrel after that.

    Fuck is a magical word when it flies from a tiny mouth...Thank all that is good and holy you weren't talking about fuck.

    Sorry the black shrouded bastard took your friend's mom...he's a flat-out douche who watches nothing but FOX news, Sarah Palin's Alaska and is vehemently opposed to gay marriage and chocolate.

  19. I love fucking jewelry! Oh, wait...

  20. Has Bea been watching fox news??

    You are so right: Death is a cocksucker.

  21. Still SO heart your blog. I've got 2 guesses for the F Word. The one that rhymes with "hag"...or the "F.T." one? Either one is pretty nasty. Does the winner get a cookie? Or better yet...a few sips of whatever you're having?

  22. Who on earth thought it was a good idea to have a birthday party with Deaf Kids at that hell hole? You can't pay me enough to go there with a child who can hear me screaming at them across the room to not throw the skeeball at their sibling, let alone a child overwhelmed and unable to hear a damn thing in the chaotic noise.
    I think the other F word would have been more delightful to hear come flying out of Bea's mouth - ouch!! Does she ever watch the news with you? Could she have picked it up there?
    Death just plain sucks. It never plays fair, and it steals more than the one soul it takes. A fucking thief.

  23. Death has been on quite the tear lately. Just heard about an old coworker who died in her 50's as well.

    I wish I was deaf at those fucking arcades.

  24. Crappy show. Crappy network. What do you expect from a decision panel that decided Kardashians actually knew what they were talking about?
    Sorry about your friend's mom. That does truly suck.

  25. I gave you an award. Check out my site to see the award and share it with others.

  26. Isn't it always the squirrels spreading the ignorant hate? Freaking rodents.

    Also? SO sorry for your friend - what a truly heart-wrenching Thanksgiving.

  27. I do not understand reality TV.

    Love your ornament!

    Bea is just the cutest.

    Sorry to hear about your Mom's friend. :(

  28. At work, we just had a funeral for a woman , only 53,too.

    She had 4 kids.

    She went in with some pain under ribs, and was told she had liver cancer and 4 months.

    Turned out she only had 3 weeks.

    I'm still not out from under those dark clouds.

  29. Bridal plasty? Have women lost their ever loving minds? Who the fuck is competing for that? Because I am willing to cut them for free.

    Or...you know...something more like a stern lecture.

  30. I'd watch that show just because I adore the title. How clever.

    Sweet, sweet Bea - has she been smoking on the corner with any Brits as of late?

    And your friend's mom, I'm so very, very sorry. So sorry.

  31. I would put serious money on a bet that every single contestant will cause their marriage to fail within 3 years.

  32. I totally saw that show on my guide the other night and all I can say is OMG do people have any ounce of dignity left?

  33. I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed or proud of how long it took me to figure out Bea's F word. I'm going with proud. Snaps for me. *wink*

    Sorry about your friends mom. F'in Death! Too much of that going around. If we have to have a lot of something, why can't it be wine?

    Hugs and thanks for making me smile after a banner day in the Hell book.

  34. I love your arcade story-

    Bea is really cute- super cute-

    Glad we don't have cable.

  35. You should put this all in a book. You'd make millions.


Use Your Words.