Thursday, October 7, 2010

Care For A Robitussin Douche? Some Ass Bacon?

Fuck You Rhinovirus:

Yeah, its me, the jerk who goes around bragging about how she never gets sick. 

Well. This was the worst cold I've had in years.  With the body aches and throbbing sinuses and popping ears and everything.

It is bad enough feeling like dog crap, but when you're the Mommy, you're still expected to give a shit about your offspring.  And even worse, when you're a nurse, you're expected to give a shit about the people you're paid to give a shit about.

When all you really want is to lay in bed and have someone give a shit about you. I mean ME. Yeah. ME.

Thank you Rhinovirus:

After I sneezed on my favorite little cutie, I got worried that this cold just might kill one of my patients.  So I called in sick to work on Tuesday.  Can't have any dead old ladies on my conscience.

That means that I got to get all hopped up on cold medicine and watch Glee!

Even though it made me cry.  Glee gives good cry.

Praise Cheesus.

Fuck You Old Lady:

For insisting on repeatedly comparing the consistency of your poop to Bacon.


For the love of all that is crispy, salty, fatty, artery clogging perfection;  is NOTHING sacred??


Thank You Other Older Lady:

For despite our numerous attempts at explaining why it will not work, you keep requesting cough syrup to ease the pain in your aching vagina.

Perhaps in your 500 years on the planet,  you've discovered a use for it that we've overlooked.

It doesn't matter. The Robitussin Douche jokes will go on for years after you finallypass.

Fuck You Ear Wax.

Why can't you be like other bodily substances that have the good sense of expelling themselves from a body without horrific extraction procedures?

Even with a dose of Ativan (cleverly hidden in a peanut butter cup), poor Owen was so thoroughly petrified that it took three of us to hold him down. And he still managed to thrash around enough for the doctor to maul his ear canal.

The blood running down his face was a nice touch.

And since his ear took such a beating, he can't wear his hearing aid on that side for three days, which means he can't hear shit.  Well, less shit than he could before. 


Thank You ORL Doctor And Staff At Satellite Office:

Because even though you hurt my kid, you look exactly like this guy, and who can stay mad at that goofy ass face?

And you also have convenient appointments for hearing test that needs to be done soon, and appointments at main office are near impossible to get and are too far away anyway.

Yep. Fuck You Entire Fucktastic Week.


Thank You Dear Sweet Boyfriend O' Mine:

Looks like I need to take back every bad thing I've said about Twitter, because I happen to follow your hot ass on there, where I learned of your EP release.  Which I of course downloaded right away.

You are the best pretend boyfriend in the history of pretend boyfriends.


  1. The title alone cracked me up. I laughed all the way up to Owen's poor bleeding ears. There's gotta be a better way...

    Our boyfriend is SO DAMN HOT

    hope you and Owen feel better soon

  2. sweet jeebus if you ever find out the advantage of a robitussan douche, please enlighten us.
    i hope you and owen feel better soon too.

  3. When I think of Jason Mraz, fuck is definitely involved, but not you. Sorry, three's a crowd. :-)

  4. There's too much going on here. Fucked up bacon, goofy faces, hidden ativan, bleeding little boys [sucktastic!], rhinovirus [is that a fancy name for cold? we had rotovirus once, the shit was JACKNASTY!], and crusty crotch.

    I think I covered it all in awesomesyrup.

  5. Poor Owen!

    Robitussen douche. Awesome. I'll never look at it the same way again.

    Hope you feel better.

    And uh, I beg to differ. My boyfriend, Tom Selleck, is much hotter. ;)

  6. I hope you are feeling better already. Me? I'm a little pissed off at the old lady who tainted my love of all things bacon.

  7. I haven't had bacon in years... and now I suppose I never will.

    Thanks for the eye/ear candy. xoxo

  8. Being a sick mum sucks! And so does bleeding ears - ouch! Get well soon - all of you.

  9. So sorry to hear about your bad week, but thanks for making me laugh this early in the morning! I hope you have a better weekend.

  10. So I would rather have what you had and have snot coming outta my nose than shit coming outta my ass. Why don't you come over here for a while, and I'll SHOW you a virus!

  11. That does it. You're going on my sidebar right now! Stay away from me with the Robitussin, though; I don't want any of that. And by the way I don't think there's a much worse curse than being sick while having a healthy little one in tow. Argh.

  12. Oh, the ear thing. So sorry. We have to have the dr do LG's every time we visit and frick is that a pain. I can only imagine what it's like when your ears are a major concern. Poor Owen.

    If I have a threesome with Jason, you won't be the third, no offense. Johnny Dep, maybe. Brad Pitt, perhaps. You? No. You'll just have to settle for sitting in the corner with your tussin douche.

  13. I hear you about being sick. All I do is cough all night long. It sucks.

  14. Oh, for the love of Grilled Cheesus, I hate that cold season is upon us again.

  15. Popping in from SITS and the Spring Chicken Tribe- LOL! I think I've missed something with the old ladies- but honestly, I don't want to know, so I can stay in happy denial and have my bacon unaffected!

    Sorry to hear about the bleeding ear...that is ROUGH!

  16. Bitch! I WAS eating a fucking granola bar when you started talking about shit with a bacon-like consistency...

    Thanks whore...

  17. I now think of you every time I enter the smelly nursing home... which is about 5 days a week.
    we are on the "skilled nursing" wing.
    I HATE IT. but there are a couple of people working there that we LOVE.

  18. Sweet jesus, you've had a bad week. Being sick and being a mother suck. Not separately. You know what I mean. And I had no idea you were a nurse! Huh. A twittering, Jason Mraz-loving, rhinovirus-hating nurse! Well, I'll be...

    On that note, feel better soon!

  19. Audrey's had 3 colds and a stomach flue in 6 weeks. No exaggeration required. It's going to be one long winter. My vagina is killing me.

  20. I'd let you extract my ear wax through my vagina for an ativan in a PB cup, but I'm easy like that.

  21. All these bad things I"m learning on Bad Words.

    Who knew?

    Twitter groupies.

    Twitter banger sisters.

    I am now going to get busy following all my hawt crushes.


    I'll tell ya who knew?

    Naughty Nurse Tulpen, that's who...

    off to "find people."


  22. Wow. I am clearly just going to stay out of your way. WOW.

    **crossing fingers you never find out about the affair I'M having with JM**

  23. even grilled cheesus can't help colds and ear wax. And old ladies with vag pain. OMG, the things you write about the old ladies, I love.

    nearly makes me want to go into the medical profession if it weren't for my fear of needles, blood and gross stuff.

  24. As I fried up the bacon for the corn chowder this afternoon, all I could think of was asses and vaginas and how I can't believe Sprite's Keeper actually said "fuck." It's only Saturday and my world is upside down.

  25. Everyone knows that Zyrtec is your go-to medication for vagina pain. That and a bacon sandwich sorts me out every time.

    But seriously, your poor little dude with the ear canal butchery -- that'd make me want to hurt somebody.

  26. I'm just glad I found someone who is as comfy saying fuck on their blog as I am. ((Sigh of Joy))

  27. I would just ask Grilled Cheesus to help her aching vagina. Problem solved.

  28. Damn, is your boyfriend HAWT.

    Hope you're feeling better.

  29. The consistency of bacon?! That had to have caused rectal bleeding, what with the crispy, ridges.


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