Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A Bushel And A Pecker

randomtuesday

*******

At work last night a woman approached the nurses' station, asking to all of us assembled there;

"Is Tulpen around?"

"I'm Tulpen."

"Hi.  My name is Pixie Brewster blahblahblah..."

"Whoa.  My mother's name is Pixie Brewster."

"Whoa. My daughter's name is Tulpen."

*******

I called Bea, "Bea" this week.

*******

There are a million things I cannot stand about age three.  But Bea makes up for it with her imaginary friend habit.

Yep.  Jack is back.

We have cherry and heirloom tomatoes growing in the garden.  Bea has been chomping at the bit to pick them for weeks.  We've been telling her for weeks not to pick them while they are green. 

Three years old doesn't wait well.

I noticed Bea carrying around a little something wrapped in a napkin.  A round tomato sized something.

"I didn't pick a green tomato."

"I didn't ask if you did.  What is in your hand there?"

"Nothing."

"Is it a tomato?  A green one?  Tell me the truth."

"I tell you ONE. TRUE. THING."  With the wagging of a finger in my face and plenty of  'tude in her voice.

"OKaaaaaaay."

"Jackpickedagreentomato."

*******

Picking things.  Apples.  Tons of them.






*******

After apple picking I went to work and Al took the kids hiking.






*******

You know I love me some little old ladies.

Sunday night I happened upon a conversation between two who are among the few alert and oriented.

93 year old Bonnie talking to 85 year old Bev.

Talking about her pussy.

She used the word 'Pussy'!

You don't want to know why.

*******

We're sort of screwed for a babysitter.  A couple teenage nieces didn't work out.  Teenagers not the most reliable lot.  So I worked out a system with a friend/neighbor/coworker.

She'll come over and watch my kids two days a week.

I'll go to her house one night a week when her husband, who works nights, goes to work, and stay until she gets home from work at midnight.

Two days a week I'll bring her daughter to preschool with Bea.

Win. Win.

*******

This friend/neighbor/coworker/babysitting barterer is seriously cute, petite, big boobs, perfect little fairy princess face. 

She revealed to me an embarassing habit she has.  Maybe more of a compulsion.

She gawks at guy's crotches.  She tries, but her eyes just find their way down there, much like a man's eyes are drawn to boobs.

Now.  Al is going to be seeing her twice a week. 

Do I tell him she's checking out his package?

*******

More Random (and now advice!) at UnMom.

24 comments:

  1. Imaginary friends make great scapegoats.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Two thoughts on the question:
    1. I'm thinking most guys are so self conscious about their down there, that if he knew his buddy was being ogled it might lead to his having a panic attack and his needing your constant reassurance that everything is perfect.

    2. Or he might just get a huge boost and look to you for assistance.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Now I totally want to take the kids apple picking!

    ReplyDelete
  4. As always, the kids are freaking adorable. Poor Bea, though. It is hard to wait when things are right under your nose.

    I want to know what causes old ladies to speak of such things.

    I wouldn't tell Al. See if he notices.

    ReplyDelete
  5. gotta love imaginary friends. i'm a little sad i never had one

    ReplyDelete
  6. Nah, let him feel flattered. Maybe you will benefit from it. ;)

    And what did Bea say when you called her Bea?

    ReplyDelete
  7. You could tell him.... which will probably make him really uncomfortable in her presence. Win win! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh lordy, what happens at 93 to a pussy!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. ha don't tell him and when he says something to you tell him he is crazy.

    did Bea think you had changed her name?

    All of our tomatoes are done for but hey if she wants to pick green tomatoes fry those babies up, you know everything tastes good fried-especially green tomatoes!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Why was a porn star looking for you at work?

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love old ladies too. Is it wrong that I want to know why they were talking about pussy? (Just a little.)
    PS- I need me an imaginary friend to explain lots of things I do wrong. Sounds like Bea's got a freakin' smart idea there.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I had two imaginary friends as a child. Wodo and Toady. Nothing as "normal" as Jack for me. Jack's cool.

    Now that Bea has reminded me how handy they are, I think I should bring them back from California (where they moved when my parents bought me a dog at the suggestion of my pediatrician) because they are so handy to blame. I could start doing bad things again. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I wonder what Bea would do if she met a real kid named Jack. (our neighbor has a three year old Jack. he's real and he gets blamed for leaving the outdoor toy box open and letting the rain in it.)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Pussy Story Please...............

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh, please tell your husband - and then write about his reaction!! Please, please?!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Win Win Win on the neighbor sitch. Do not tell Al. Just let him be oogled.  Bea and Jack better be careful, green tomatoes can give you the shits. So I've heard.  This Old Lady Pussy talk? No. Audio?! Disappointment

    ReplyDelete
  17. Bea is priceless, and I wish I had Jack around every time I did something wrong...

    ReplyDelete
  18. I think the first thing is really weird. I am sure your sis found it interesting.

    and I'm just glad that the old broads didn't bust out the vajayjay word b/c i can't take the V word.

    those pics. your kids.

    supacute beyond words.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think the first thing is really weird. I am sure your sis found it interesting.

    and I'm just glad that the old broads didn't bust out the vajayjay word b/c i can't take the V word.

    those pics. your kids.

    supacute beyond words.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have informed my husband that when I become senile I want to be where you work. Am I able to bring wine?

    ReplyDelete
  21. You just can't make that kind of stuff up...the little old ladies must've been hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  22. You could tell him her imaginary friend will be checking out his package...

    ReplyDelete
  23. I wish you worked where we put my mom. You are someone who could appreciate her craziness (well, maybe not her crazy, but you'd love her foul mouth).

    ReplyDelete
  24. They were exchanging secrets to a happy marriage, "now, keep miss pussy clean."

    ReplyDelete

Use Your Words.