Tuesday, July 13, 2010

With The Best Use Of The F-Bomb You'll Ever Hear.



I hate going to the dentist. A lot.  I much prefer a trip to they gynecologist than one to the dentist.  Really.

A few years ago, after not having been in a few years, I went to the dentist my good friend Jen (and mom to kids' bestest friend Lil)  had recommended.

The hygienist was overly nice and professional and gave me the most thorough of exams.

Part of the exam involved the hygienist putting a computer screen six inches from my face and coming at me with what looked like a pen.

It was no pen. It was a camera, which she proceeded to put in my mouth.  And to my horror, the image was displayed on the computer screen; six inches from my face.

I immediately squeezed my eyes shut and thought to myself;

I'd rather be looking at a close up of my ass hole than my mouth.

That thought forced me to stifle a giggle, like the fart in church giggle.  Restraining my own laughter was difficult and becoming painful.

So when the actual dentist walked in, he saw my face contorted in a pained expression, eyes dramatically squeezed shut, and told the hygienist to turn the computer screen off.

Perceptive guy.  And very nice and sweet and cute in a big burly teddy bear sort of way. 

When I recommended him to another friend of mine, the office sent me free movie tickets as a thank you.


My good friend Jen's dad is sick.  Gravely so.  He's been in the hospital since May. She and her mother and sister have been spending long days at his bedside.

Last week, after a long such day, the three of them had dinner at a fancyish place on the waterfront.  Salmon, lobster, wine; an expensive meal that they all deserved.

Jen's mom waved the waiter over and asked for the bill;

"It has already been taken care of."

Three heads spun around and scanned the restaurant trying to figure out who picked up the bill for their dinner. 

The dentist.

The nice big sweet burly teddy bear of a guy.



Sitting in the driveway with the kids playing with a gigantic beetle that Al had caught.

A woman who was parked on the corner, on my lawn, got her kids off the camp bus and looked over at me.  I limply waved and she shot me the dirtiest look ever.  Like looks I give people I can't stand.

When Al got home, I told him about the woman's nasty bitch face.

"Silver mini van?"

"Fuck. Yes. What did you do?"

"Oh nothing, just knocked on her window and asked her where she lives.  She asked me why I wanted to know and I told her;  'Cause I'm going to come over and park my fucking truck on your fucking lawn'."

And now I hide in the house, curtains drawn, twice a day when the camp bus picks up and drops off.


Which reminds me of this post from last summer back at the old blog.

The old dead blog which has gained a new follower this week.



Today was Owen's first day of camp. 

It's not really camp.  His school has a summer program, but this year the school is under renovation, so the program is being held at a YMCA camp.

He was already up and dressed and waiting outside when I got up at 7am.

"Owen, are you going to come in and have breakfast?"

He sings to me;

"NoooooOOOOoooooOOOOOooo!  I'm gooooOOOOooooing!! ToooOOOOooooOOOO!!  gotocamp"


I am not the praying sort. 

Happy thoughts, good vibes tossed out into the Universe yes, but actual prayerNotsomuch.

If I were going to pray, like for Lil's Gampy, or that my house doesn't get egged by bitchy silver mini van moms, or that people get a clue and stop following a dead blog,  or that my kid remembers to eat and drink at camp today,  it would likely sound something like this:

How can one be reverent and irreverent at the same time?

Brilliant one that boyfriend o' mine.


More random at UnMom


  1. Ok, the dentist story? Brought me to tears. How few people there are left out there with hearts that big. Good for him.

    Your kid will have a counselor to remind him to eat, I'm sure. Camp counselors know better than anyone that a kid with no lunch = pain in the arse by 2:pm.

  2. So psyched that O-Boy was that excited for camp. Wish I were there waiting w/ him for the van.
    Hope B feels better. Talk soon xo

  3. I thought the dentist was going to keep showing up and the story was going to take a turn for the worst.
    I watched your boyfriend for you. He does have a nice voice, you cannot argue with that.

  4. Owen's the cutest ever, up and dressed at the ass crack of dawn for camp :)

    And your dentist is awesome, it's so great to hear good people stories. Good when they don't have to be, and when you'd never ever know if they weren't. Love it.

  5. OK. So you have several awesome men in your universe.

    But Jason is still wearing my black panties.


  6. Could you send Al over here, I have serious problems with the college students parking!

  7. I would honestly rather go to the lady doctor every day for a month than to the dentist for one hour. But then again, the dentist I went to as a kid was a twisted, masochistic mother fucker.

    I'm now getting panicked just thinking about the dentist.

    Think I'll ogle your boyfriend for awhile... that should make me fell better.

  8. My dad is terminal and all we get is shit on by insurance companies. Your dentist is the bomb.

  9. That dentist story made me cry. BUT the new follower on your old blog made me laugh.

    Listen, like a month ago, I commented on a blog that I didn't realize had closed down TWO YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!

    I get a gmail back saying, "uhhh....things have been quiet around here lately, but, um, yeah, nice to meet you. Glad you liked the post from 2007."

    OMG. I am such the loser.

  10. before we get to you, hysterical story Empress. "kinda quiet" Heh.

    Now this silver minivan. She deserved the 'lawn comment.' And wouldn't dare egg you. Because if she did, that would give you every right to shit bag her front stoop.

    i need to read the fuck post.

  11. 1. feel EXACTLY as you do about the dentist. ugh.
    2. O is such a cool kid. You are lucky to have him.

  12. your dentist sounds like such a sweetie!

    if i could bribe someone to go to the dentist or doctor for me, i would. i just can't STAND going. bleh. needless to say, i am due for a couple of doctor appointments, and my heart RACES any time i even see the word "doctor." same thing happens every time i hear the damn kaiser commercials. bleh.

    hope owen has fun at camp! i bet he will!

  13. Remember the days when Owen not only didn't sing, but didn't eat??
    I bet his song is music to your ears!!!

    and Fuck that silver mini-vanned lawn parker....put big piles of trash (read:smelly diapers) out there for her tomorrow.

  14. You really should invest in a spike strip for your driveway.......it would be good fun.

  15. I like your random Tuesday post.

    Cheers to you!

  16. Huh. My dentist just TAKES money. I want yours.

  17. I fear the dentist. When I still had a uterus, I loved going to my OB/GYN but just realized how fucked up that sounds and I have no problems with doctors. I also think I'm going to kiss Keely on the mouth because all of my favorite bloggy buddies arise from RTT's.

  18. I love going to the dentist. OBGYN? Not so much. I've had WAY too many bad experiences there. Dentist? Laughing gas and other fabulous things live there. I'll take it!

    I'm glad your husband said that to the mini van bizotch.

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  20. (first of all, Roberto up there has got some good taste. And Empress wins Commenter of the Year)

    I remember that post from last year (sorry your comments didn't make the leap as well - mine too - totally sucks), and still get mad reading it this time around.

    Al rocks. There's this awesome little trick Hubs knows about unscrewing the tire valve and lodging a pebble in there = slow leak and no permanent damage. Then again, it might finally give out in front of your house.

    Forget it.

    LOVE me some Owen singing. Ugh, sweet boy!

  21. It makes sense that you would rather have someone's fingers in your nether- regions than in your mouth. I get that.

    I freaking LOVE your blog.

  22. I haven't been to the dentist in over five years, I'm not saying how much over either. I would not want to see any closeups of the inside of my mouth.

    Your dentist sounds swell though.

    Your husband, though, he has a way with words. lol.

  23. I hadn't heard that one before, beautiful, thanks for sharing!

  24. Oh yeah and I totally wish I had your dentist. Although, I recently started seeing a new chiropractor that a good friend of mine worked for, I started going because Aubrie just wasn't holding her head up when she was supposed to, she could hold it up but was always looking down she couldn't turn her face out. I was thinking that there had to be something out of whack in her neck, she did come out sunny side up. Anyway, I took her into him and sure enough she had several verts out in her neck and her jaw also. After he'd adjusted her and told me to bring her back towards the end of the week, I walked up to the receptionist and pulled out my wallet prepared to pay when she told me "no charge".

    Totally made my day!


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