Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Team Edward: Team NAKED Edward.


My dirty little secret? The answer to Sherri's question; "What am I reading?"


You know the Twilight books?

Yeah, you probably hate them because it is literary cheese doodles written by a prudish Mormon and you associate it with obnoxious tweens who march around in Team Vampire or Team Werewolf shirts and squee at the mention of the name Cullen.



I liked the books. They provided a nice little escape from the poop and pee and whining and crying that filled my life.

And Edward is sort of dreamy.

But. If you did read them, you got to the last book, after the wedding, on the beautiful secluded island, where our beloved main characters are finally going to get it on.

You're cheering for Edward's raging case of frigid blue balls to finally *ahem* come to an end. One minute they're all naked in the ocean and the next thing you know - It's the next morning. You checked to see if there were pages missing right?

Ummmm Hello? This guy's been a virgin for 108 years and we're deprived of his epic first piece of ass?

Not cool.

Well. There are a lot of talented women, writers even, with skills beyond those of Ms. Meyer who also thought this was uncool. These women filled in the blanks. The dirty ones.


When I read my first story, I didn't know that FanFiction was notoriously lame. Well, apparently it isn't always lame. In fact, this one trumps Twilight on all fronts; depth of characters, compelling plot line, angst, suspense, and naughty naughty business.

Edward is human, deeply flawed, kind of a dick, and so hot.

Bella is tragic, smart, and actually likable.


You want Edward to smoke and drink and say Fuck?

How about Edward covered in tattoos and piercings (and I mean covered)?

Dominant Edward is a tasty treat.

Cheese doodles this stuff is not. Not lobster either.


How much fun would it be to lick hot fudge off of this guy?

Wicked fun.


  1. To start...LOVE your blog. LOVE.
    Secondly, I have read all the Twilight books and dislike them for all the reasons you mentioned.
    If you are looking for all things Twiglight was missing, you must read the Sookie Stackhouse books, by Charlaine Harris. Fan-frigging-tastic. Humor, hot sex, other wordly creatures. The series started long before Ms. Meyers cranked out her tween crack and they are far superior. I don't watch the True Blood series based on the books, but I have heard the books are much better anyway.

    Thanks for all the sharing you do, you crack my shit up.

  2. Ha! I would have never pegged you for a Twilighter. I read the first 2 books, then... meh, lost interest. Going to peruse the "alternative" links you suggested. I am guessing those might hold my attention a bit longer...
    ; )

  3. I've yet to read any of the Twilight books or see the movies, so, I haven't read any Twilight fanfic either.

    I will, however, confess to being a rather avid reader of some of the X Files fanfic back in the day. Like the seriously *X* X Files fanfic.


    It was....... inspiring. Ahem.

    I wonder if any of my old bookmarks still work.....?

  4. he is f'ing hot I have never read the books and until not long ago had not seen the movies then by chance the first one was on showtime or something when we had it for free so I watched it, later that night I was at Red Box getting the second movie-loved it! I am trying to talk my hubby into taking me to the new one but he isn't as excited about seeing me swoon over some waytoyoung for me guys:)

    I may have to look into those books including the one the first commenter mentioned

  5. i'm outting myself by admitting that I have not read any of the series. and i didn't know about the author's background.

    but i love cheese doodles and there is something awfully naughtily delicious going on...it's a long summer, i could get up to speed.

  6. I love you but I don't find whatshisname hot. i do, however, enjoy reading trashy sexy stuff. so i'm liking those links.

  7. I think he is so NOT hot- I find him really gross looking-
    I am sure his vampire stick is small.

    I read the first book about a year ago because I saw a stack of several in the kids section where I was hanging out- I started reading it so checked it out and finished it- in a day- I found it very juvenile- The author is NOT a good writer (as you even mentioned) and I was overall not impressed- nor did I understand what all the hype was about.

    Anyway- I understand guilty pleasure.

  8. Rather than just lurking, I thought I'd better give you my worthless 2 cents.

    Haven't read the ANY of the series, no interest and nope, not watched anything vampire related. Only thing I'm reading these days are emails and blogs, darn it.

    But hey, if you want to write something steamy, and I mean HAWT steamy, not poop steamy...oh hell, I'll read whatever your write.

    Before I bore any MORE of your readers, I'll just go.

  9. Sherri... so sorry to hear that you suffer the same vision impairment as Lady Ren. Hehehehe.

    Read that first story, seriously good stuff. Promise.

    Anonymous, thanks and welcome! I've heard of the Sookie books, but know what? I'm a little tired of the Vampire thing. The dirty sexy stuff? Not tired of that at all.

  10. Oh, my gosh,,,,why OH WHY to god up above can you not live in this small town with me??? It doesn't even have to be next door....no, wait, yeah, it does...next door....

  11. Woo hoo. In the office for the rest of the week with no one here and nothing to do. I haven't read the books or seen the movies but I've got all day to read some fanfic.

  12. Stopping by from SITS. The title of this post drew me in. :)

    Hilarious! Laugh out loud funny!

  13. Thanks SO much for the good links. I love the twilight series but like you, feel there was something missing.

  14. Fan fic is notoriously lame because it usually has a lot to live up to. Not so much in the Twilight case...

  15. Um yeah, would lick pretty much anything offa that guy. Can't. Wait.

  16. Oh my gosh. You are so funny : ) I can't stop laughing. And imagining the fudge : )

  17. I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm a little distracted by the photo of R Pat. "yes, honey, you can watch another show. Mommy's busy."

  18. meh.
    give me jacob in these hot tales anyday.

  19. In the photo you posted he looks hot, but in the movie ads I've seen, he's too ....not me. But here in this photo you posted...HOT!

  20. Do I need to jump on this train? I think I've missed my window...no time to read the books and there are what, like 5 movies to catch up on? I'll just watch the stars of the movie guest on Letterman looking all sullen and like they hate that they're famous.

  21. yup, i loved the books, too. loved them. every cheesy moment. i savored them.

    and i am annoyed that i don't have tickets to see eclipse. most of my friends are "too good" for this type of movie. LOSERS! CLOSET CASES! i'll see it one way or another. preferably WITH EDWARD! :)

  22. I'm going to check it out. I do like trashy, sexy stuff (and was disappointed in the missing sex scene).

    I also would take the wolf boy over the vampire. Hey, more for you.

  23. Wide Awake is fucking fantastic. Oh my GAWD, I'm going to have to read that one again.

    And will definitely check out the others!

    P.S. There is hot, dirty sex in the Sookie Stackhouse books... but I think it's in book 4. Or maybe 3.

  24. I started reading them as a bonding thing with my niece who is now 14. I had to struggle with not killing Bella but the good hing about teh whole experience is that it gave me alot of nicknames for my perfectly nice daughter with CP and a sweet face, like Immortal Baby and so on. That was pretty much worth the price of admission, when I made up the Immortal Baby songs. I actually am looking forward to the baby movies. And I'd like the fudge, off either Edward or Jacob. I am equal opportunity at fudge licking.

  25. So since I sat through the premiere of Eclipse at midnight lastnight/this morning - when I saw your title on LBS I couldn't resist stopping by.

    I haven't read any of the books. Wasn't going to watch the movies...then a friends bday is today and their greatest wish was to gather a group of friends and go at midnite with a bunch of insanely loud teenage girls and watch the premiere.

    So last weekend I rented the first 2 movies - eh...ok...

    Eclipse - not bad...lots of eyecandy...however I am totally a Team Jacob not Team Cullen fan...but...whatever brews your tea!

    Like your style! Will be back!

  26. You mean after reading all those books, the best part is missing? That's a load of hooie in my book! ; )

    My husband shocked, SHOCKED, me this morning when he suggested that we rent the first two movies this weekend "to see what all the hoop-la" is about. Good grief..

    Followed you over from The Empresses' site, and I like your style!

  27. My own confession - I am a 35 year old woman who LOVES the twilight series. The books. I liked the 2 movies I saw, but am not like lining up at midnight to see them. I was sad when I finished, just like when I read the last Harry Potter. Yep. I'm one of 'them.' And to link the two? That fine specimen was in HP! Cedric Diggory!

    I digress...and intend to find the hot sex in the links...at home, of course.

  28. Oooh, I've heard of that. Even read some after a recommendation. Will definitely check that out if I can't sleep one of these sultry nights...

  29. I was never able to get past the first Twilight book. I hated Bella, I hated Edward, I hated the way I was constantly rolling my eyes at the inanimate paperback in my hands.

    I would not kick Rob over there out of bed though. Unless he was covered in whipped cream...the lingering smell of rotten milk is impossible to ignore.

  30. And I thought I was a dirty perv for being frustrated by the lack of dirty details...

    Going to the links right now

    Hee hee

  31. <>
    Ok, I will read this. Maybe I'll end up liking Edward better. Seriously, I related better to Bella's friendship with Jacob than with her sudden onset of weird and utterly fascinated with Edward's good looks. I felt Edward was too controlling and too, I know what's good for you, not a friend at all. How can you expect to live with him forever if he doesn't treat you like a partner? Anyhoo, the consolation prize that Jacob got was a little creepy. Imprinting? Come on? And why the heck can't I attract an agent if Stephenie Meyer did?

  32. I'm afraid I vote with anonymous. I am a True Blood fan and that big blond viking of a vamp on the show is so right up my alley I'm sweating as I write!

  33. this is my 2nd try this week trying to leave a comment on this damn post.
    I am in rainy Houston Texas with only 10 chapter left of MOTU and I did not bring any more reading material... I cannot stop reading it and I dont want it to end... thank you friend.


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