Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Betty White's Front Bum And A List Of Demands.


How was your Mother's Day?  Oh, how nice for you.

Mine?  Thanks for asking.  What is the opposite of Special?

According to Dictionary.com  the opposite is 'general'.

That doesn't quite do it for me.

How about,  'Great Big Steaming Pile Of Suck'.

Yeah, that's better.


Owen can't hear shit. Even with his hearing aids. (Ear cleaning and hearing test are pending.)

Which means he has no interest in TV.

Which means he and Bea play together much more.

Except, he can't hear Bea. At all.

So, I've added two more hats to my overfull head:  Playtime interpreter, and ASL teacher to reluctant three year old.


You ever want to tell your obnoxious 7 year old what a little fucker he is?

Well, I get to. Ha.

(Relax, he can't hear me remember?)


Please tell me you watched Betty White on SNL.

Just in case you didn't:

You're Welcome.


In the bathroom with Bea and she fishes a tampon out of the box under the sink:

"This for your bum?"

"Yes Sweetie."

"Like this?" Poking around her bum with the thing.

"Well, not really."

"Oh, it's for your front bum? Like when my pee pee hurt and the doctor poked my bum?"

"Something like that."

"Oh, Owen and Daddy not have front bums, they not get poked."

"No they don't."

"Why they not have front bums? What they have?"

"Do you want some candy? Cookies? Puppy?"

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. I don't wanna.


Ok fine, looks like you've given me no choice.

Hey Bea, you need a penis to pee in the bushes ok?  You don't have one.


I'm so happy that so many of you joined me over here.  Now, you gotta do some things for me:

* Fix your blogroll.
* Follow me here (you can unfollow me at the old place).
* Tell your friends!
* I need a new little badge thingie.  You know anyone who can do that?  I forget who made the old one.
* Fix your fucking blogroll.

ETA:  I have the best readers ever.

Jayme already hooked me up with a button!

She even did the code thingie for me, which I'm definitely not bright enough to figure out on my own.

So it is all ready to go, over there on the right.

I like how it says "Grab My Button!"  It sounds dirty.

Thanks Jayme!


More random at UnMom!


  1. I LOVE Betty White! I'm hoping to watch that entire episode of SNL later today. I heard she was in just about every skit. Can't wait!
    Sorry your Mother's day was suckish. Tampon questions... Gotta love em!

  2. HI!!!

    I am SO relieved that you can say bad words here. Whew. :)

  3. you got it muffin!

    i'm unfollowing and following and changing the blog roll.

  4. Let me know how "fix your fucking blog roll works" because seriously, people aren't listening to me.

    Except you!!!! Look at that awesome title of Shades of Blue and Green right over there. You're now officially Mama's favorite. Mean it!

    And yeah, doesn't child literacy totally suck?

  5. I watched Betty White on Saturday. The velvety muffin bit never gets old.

    I actually haven't needed to embark on the genitalia conversation with my two youngest apart from "girls don't have weenies the end". Although that peeing standing up thing is enviable.

    Consider yourself followed. At a safe distance of course.

  6. Done, done, done, can't help, fucking done.

    You're much higher on my blogroll now, by virtue of alphabetization (is that a word? Fuck it, it is now!)

    Some years ago, my littlest brother opened my car's glovebox, saw the emergency tampon stashed there, pulls it out, and asked "is this like a really big straw?" Ummm, nooo...

  7. Followed, unfollowed and changed blogrole. Yes dear, LOL! (sigh...someday I'd like to be big and important enough to be on someone else's blogroll. Although I DID get tweeted today. That was cool).

    Looking forward to more stories about stinky farts and bums and such. Because I may be 44 in age...but I'm definitely a 12-year-old at heart, LOL!

  8. Hulu doesn't work in Canada, so just for that I'm not fixing my fucking blogroll.

  9. OMG how did I miss that episode of SNL?

  10. yay! glad I can still follow!

  11. Button?


  12. SO glad you've decided to keep the laughs and stories coming.

    As usual in reading your post, I laughed my front bum off!

  13. Blogroll fixed.

    "Front bum"... I'm gonna have to remember that one.

  14. I don't use Tampons......but every now and then I get a free sample in the mail.....When this happens I give them to the kids....they have NO IDEA what they are used for...only that Mommy gave them a tampon..........They will play with one for an hour, swinging it around, poking it in and out of that little tube it comes in......Sucking on that little tube.....ewwwoohh Hey! They have NEVER been used.....

  15. I still remember Danger Boy and the box of tampons at Bea's age. Too cute.

    Blogroll fixed.

    Betty White/SNL on demand right now.

    Don't kill any spousal units tonight.

  16. the betty skit was pretty funny. i love npr, and i also love any spoof/skit that bags on it!

    hope you are going to be ok! wine is in order! that is probably not good advice, but whaddya gonna do. whatever helps!

  17. I love her advice to her husband! I've subscribed to the new place and will dutifully change my blogroll!

  18. blogroll - check.
    subscribed - check.
    unsubscribed - check.

    lovin ya - check.

  19. front bum! Bahaha! And no, Owen and daddy don't get poked... they do all the poking. Well, if they are lucky I guess... too funny.

    thanks for postig the snl link. I saw parts of it but I missed that one. hysterical.

    I grabbed you... when you gonna grab the rest of us (well, more specifically me)?


  20. Congrats on the new blog! Would tampons be an appropriate blog-warming present? Saw Betty White, she killed it. Now, what'd ya do with the old blog? Did it get a proper burial? I hear blog cremations cost a lot.

  21. damn betty white is hillarious

    the other day I got some samples of tampons in the mail and I was in another room and Wyatt yells what are these green and pink things, I say what are you talking about? go to the kitchen where I had sat my mail, and he is holding my free tampons! I say mind your business which of course just makes him wanna know even more. and NO I am not ready either hence my avoidance.

  22. so do you still want a header? i sent you a response, sorry so late, i never check that address. i kind of like what you've got going on now, but you say the word.

  23. Well, I whole lot of stuff goes on in blogworld while I'm busy commuting my ass off.

    So so happy you got the new place up.

    Jan over at the Sushi bar made my travel tip thrusday badge. she's a talented sweetie.

  24. Thanks for making me laugh this morning. How funny. Great post.

  25. blogger ate my brilliant comment so you just get this.
    [oh, i fixed my blog roll, bossy bitch]

  26. So glad you're here--I got a little freaked out over in the other place. Bea seems like the perfect replacement, but I'm wondering how you came up with Owen.

  27. Betty White was the best part of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. I love her.

    Bea looks very comfortable with her pants down. Make sure you teach her about poison ivy.

    Thanks for reminding me to change my blogroll

  28. Took me a while to figure out the whole Bea and Owen thing. I are smart. I really are.

  29. Getting used to Owen and Bea. Nice names dude. Front bum made my shitty day better and I love Bea trying to piss in the bushes. Sweet Jesus I love your kids.

  30. Use your words... that's funny. And now I forgot my comment. Ah well. At least you made me laugh again.

  31. Thank you so much for posting the Betty White SNL Muffin clip. People have been talking about it and I missed it! It made me laugh out loud.

  32. hot she can't keep her panties on she can sit on my pensi and let me split her ass cheeks bloody and screaming for a creampi


Use Your Words.