Friday, February 10, 2012

I'm a Jerk. So are my kids. So was this whole week.

Thanks A Lot Owen:

But really.  I blame the coffee.  A new brand. I may have misjudged its strongness.

As it reached its full potential at the exact time Owen's bus was to arrive to fetch him.

Calling from bathroom: "Owen! Come here!  Now!!  Mommy can't put you on the bus ok? Can you go by yourself?"

Owen,  puffed up with newly independent,  getting himself on the bus pride, heads to the door talking himself up;

"Mommy can't come outside why?  Mommy have sick poop.  Yup.  Sick poop.  Mommy can't come outside.  Bus here!!!!"

Door opens, slams closed.

Door opens;

"Mommy!!!  Bus driver say you have to come outside!!!"

Because Deaf kid totally told him that Mommy was having sick poop and couldn't come outside. And bus driver totally knows I don't like him and wanted to torture me.

Kids are the worst idea ever.


Banner Parenting Moment of The Week:

There is typically 45 minutes between the time we all drag our asses out of bed and the time that we have to be out the door.

Bea finds that this is the best time in which to question Mommy's policies on TV viewing, computer game playing, and other miscellaneous shit for which we don't have time.

Mommy's policy being;

We wake up.  We eat. We get dressed. We brush our teeth. We get out the door.

Tuesday morning, 15 minutes til out the door time;

"Mooooommmmy? Can I watch TV?"

"Really? Are you new here?"

"But I wanna watch TEEEEVEEEEE"

"Well I want new kids who don't ask for things they know they can't have."

"I want TV!!!"

"I want new kids!!!"


"New kids!!"


"New kids!!"

And so on and so forth. 

For a while.


Fuck you nausea, vomiting, diarrhea:

Nothing worse than a kid puking his guts out all day right?


What is worse is a kid who has had his insides rearranged and his gut sewn up tight enough to rarely let a burp pass through, who desperately needs to puke but can't, and just retches incessantly for 24 hours.

Don't get the whole retching thing?

Sounds like he's puking. His body is convulsing like he's puking. 

But he can't. fucking. puke.

All I can do is sit there and rub his back if he lets me and fucking cry.

And call his surgeon who tells me to vent his g-tube, which I remind him I took out two years ago.  So he then needlessly reminds me that 24 hrs without fluids sends the one kidney kid to the hospital for IV fluids. And just for extra giggles, needlessly reminds me that what looks like a GI bug could be something way more special like a bowel obstruction that would require emergency surgery. 'Cause it's gonna happen.  Not if.  But when.



True That Kid:

Owen, upon waking up from feverish fitfull fart filled sleep on couch, propping himself up on an elbow, gazing around, eyes finally finding me;

"I stink!"


Yeah, I know, but still...

Owen is done with the retching, taking bites of food, taking fluids *Woot!*,  but still quite weak and tired, has been napping on the couch for a couple hours. 

Bea is bugging me to read her a book.  Loudly.

"Shhhhhhh!!! Owen is sleeping!"

"But Mommy,  he's Deaf."



  1. We only give ourselves 45 minutes to get up and out the door too.
    It's the best I can do.
    I'm tired.

    The flu, which I just had, is a bitch.
    Seems like everyone forgets how horrible it is until their shitting and barfing at the same time.

  2. Oh jeezus, I'm soooo sorry. Hope everyone feels better soon. We only give ourselves 45 minutes to get up and out the door as well. If that. I hate being in a hurry, but I hate missing a few minutes of sleep more.

  3. Only you make me laugh at so much grotesqueness. I am reminded, again, of my favorite saying: You just can't make that shit up.

  4. Ditto Elizabeth. This is crazy! Hope everyone gets better soon!

  5. Really? Are you new here? Other Half and I just had some giggles over that one.

    Give the kids some squishy hugs from us. xo

  6. Sick poop... always so much smellier than regular poop. So nice of Owen to share!

  7. Sorry all that had to pile into one week on ya, but it gave me the best laugh I've had in a week or more!

  8. Sick poop. Sorry you had it but I laughed my ass off.

    Hope Owen is feeling better.

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  11. I agree... this past week can suck it.

  12. Motherhood is hard core, yo. The more I read, the more I think I may just stand over here and watch.

  13. That was a really crappy week. Here's hoping next week is MUCH better.

  14. This whole post is one great big giggle, but that's mostly because none of it is happening to me.

    Fortunately/unfortunately, the "need to puke but can't" hasn't happened in my camp. No, when the kids need to puke, then do . . . usually all over my wife or me. Soured milk puke in the ear is lovely.

    I'm really, really afraid that I use the TV as a background noise mechanism, and that I'll work around the zombified kids as I get myself/them ready. When it's time for them to actually do shit on their own, well, I think I'm screwed. Badly.

  15. "Are you new here?"
    I am stealing that line. You've been warned. :-)

  16. Besides your post, I'm also enjoying Anonymous' tips on very fresh manure being wet and heavy...

    I just love coming here.

    Despite the wetness and the manure and the stink.

    Maybe even because of it.

  17. I'm with Julie and the fresh manure.

    Also, sorry.

    And, yeah, Bea, SSSSSHHHHH!

  18. First: anonymous is an asshole. He crashes my blog party sometimes too. Sheesh.
    Second, I so love that you can forget Owen's deaf for all of three seconds to tell Bea to be quiet!
    And third - how does one get a fucking door? I have a kitchen door, a couple bathroom doors, a garage door, but no fucking door...

  19. Howdy stranger! Good to see things haven't changed 'round your place! I'll be back! Swirl Girl

  20. Oh my... new here? Love that. I do hate that you make me laugh at your suffering, :)
    Your am struggling sounds so damn familiar that I think you're me? Except for the sick poop.


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