Friday, January 27, 2012

impossible girl


Around five years in, Al and I discussed, and made the mindful decision to never have children.  Al harbored serious concerns about something going horribly awry. I was just lazy.

We didn't last six months.  Looking at each other thinking;

Ok. So. This is it. Us. Just. Us. Forever. You. And. Me.

We (meaning mostly me) decided that we (meaning mostly me) wanted kids and shazam!  We were expecting Owen.

My younger sister is so very much like me.  A few years ago, she and her husband decided they did not want children.  He enjoyed his hobbies.  She was just lazy.

Within a year or so, the decision no longer fit, and babies were on little Sister's brain.

They tried.

And tried.

And failed.

Little Sis worked at an OBGYN office.   Tests were done.  Procedures even.  Referral to fertility clinic was made.

More tests. For Sister and husband.  Fertility doc gives her odds.  Slim at best. 

Complex medical history, few good eggs, motility issues, yadda yadda sorry no baby yadda...

Little Sis is in pain. Bad pain. Worst pain ever.  Wanting to make pain go away, I offer up my eggs;

"Old and full of holes they may be. But they're yours if you want 'em."

For many reasons, it wasn't going to work.

Sister with more hurting. And me with wanting to make it go away.

"I'll carry the fucking thing for you.  But just so you know?  I have a shitty track record; if it comes out all fucked up, it's your problem."

For many reasons, that wasn't going to work either.

Not about to give up, Sis endures procedures, chances improve, insurance on board, she heads back to fertility clinic.

Cost of drugs to place baby in Sis is enough to feed third world country for a year.  Neither Sis nor anyone in family has that kind of cash.

Baby dream squashed anew, Sis dives deep into dispair, quits job at OBGYN  where pregnant bellies mock her barrenness daily  and makes valiant attempt to get through the next minute of her life. And the minute after that. And the minute after that.

A couple months of minutes go by,  and on a Monday, Sis and her husband are back at fertility clinic grasping for strand of hope.  Thin strand is granted, but is sketchy at best.

Ten days later, on a Wednesday, thin strand in hand, Sis shows up to watch Bea for afternoon.  She is early. And cranky. With weepiness and sore boobs and other PMS symptoms.

In her purse is pregnancy test which she is refusing to take because;

"My period isn't even due til tomorrow and I know I'm not anyway. I'll just wait til tomorrow."

Of course I direct her to bathroom and demand she piss on that stick, 'cause you never know.

You just never fucking know.

And of course she emerges from the bathroom crying. And trembling.

And crying.

And showing me the stick.

And neither of us believe what we're seeing:

She's knocked up.

Yup.

Knocked the fuck up.

And in the however many weeks since, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not believing that this impossible thing was true.

Even though impossible babies have happened in our family.

But today? I got to sit beside her and see with my own two eyes:

Brain? Check. Spine? Check. Heart? Check. Arms? Legs? Hands? Feet? Check.

Healthy looking BABY GIRL?

Fuckin' right!!

Check.

And?

Squee.

37 comments:

  1. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE back at you. That is the MOST TREMENDOUS news!!!!!! Congratulations to Sis and to yourself for being such a devoted sibling, wearing to carry yet another child and gain yet more stretch makrs because you care about her so much.
    And did I mention SQUEEEEEEEEE?

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  2. It is possible to cry happily for someone and hate them a little at the same time, right?
    Tell your sister the biggest congratulations and hopefully, someday soon, I can get out of that same boat and squee myself.

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  3. Oh WOW. Just...wow.

    SQUEEEEE!!! Auntie Tulpen!

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  4. Excuse my language here---That's fuckin awesome!!!! I pulled the g on that last word for sensitive ears but I know you can handle it. OMG, I'm so happy for all of you!!!

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  5. Here I am getting teary-eyed over someone I've never met. Squeee!!! Indeed!

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  6. Yay! After experiencing a short stint with infertility (nothing compared to hers), I know the feeling of never wanting to witness another baby shower/preggers lady again.

    I can't imagine how giddy you all are. :) Congratulations!

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  7. I related to every word on this post because I was your sister. I was not suppose to be able to have children.

    I am so happy for her (and you). A baby girl... that is just amazing.

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  8. Squee indeed.

    Other half and I are going out to buy baby girl clothes today.

    Am SO effing excited for all of this.

    yay for all of us and screw those other folks who have not a clue.

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  9. That is sooooo wonderful! Very happy for your sister and her hubby! I, too, relate a smudge, but sounds as if her journey was a looking and arduous one. What happy news!

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  10. Ah hell yeah.

    I do love good news.

    Happy Saturday to all of you. And the day after that. And the day after that. And etc.

    Yay, GIRL!

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  11. How do you always make me cry? SO incredibly awesome news. Incredible! Yay for becoming an auntie!

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  12. You made me cry. Congrats for your sis!~

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  13. Im so incredibly happy for your sister and for your whole family.
    Great news!

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  14. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! I can't believe that E kept that quiet. YAY!!!!!!!

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  15. Oh, Lord. Sympathy tears of joy here. We did the fertility thing - just for a little bit, so I can only imagine her heartbreak and dispair.

    And now...the JOY! <3

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  16. always good news when someone kicks infertility's *ss!
    congrats to all of you ...

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  17. CONGRATULATIONS, Tulpen's sister!!

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  18. YES! Yay!! Yippee fucking dog!!! I'm thrilled for her and your whole family. As a charter member of the "ain't gonna happen and then it did last frigging good egg club," I welcome her with open arms.

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  19. So happy for all concerned!!!

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  20. FABulous! News like that gives me happy tears.

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  21. Finally, some good news, right!!! So happy for you and your sister!!!

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  22. Squee, indeed (though I have a hard time picturing you squee'ing, but all bets are off web family is on the line).

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  23. Nope, not squeeing...TEARS. Big fat ugly tears.
    I am SO VERY HAPPY for your sister and you, proud aunt to be...and oh, I can only imagine how excited your chittlins are gonna be.

    Tight, uncomfortable hugs all around.

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  24. me sobbing. I'm going to put those girly earrings on from your sister right now.

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  25. Oh, this is just wonderful news. So happy for sister and for your family. Give her an extra hug for me.

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  26. this is such good news! i am glad her dreams are coming true! and i have tears in my eyes for about 4,000 reasons, but no need to go into that here. :)

    congratulations, auntie!!!!

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  27. HELL YAZ!!!

    My sister. My TWIN sister is going through the same thing as yours was.

    I hope she can have one one day too.

    *fingers crossed*

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  28. Oh you are gonna be the BEST auntie in the world, because lets face it other people's babies are the best one's to spoil rotten!! Huge CONGRATS to her and her hubs!

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  29. Oh so happy for you and her! So happy....

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  30. Awww, that made me all teary eyed. That's a damn good reason to "squee"!

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