Four years old needs to learn some manners.
"Mom! I need help!"
"You need help what?"
"I need help wiping!!"
"You need help wiping what?"
"My butt!"
"You need help wiping your butt what?"
"I need help wiping my butt because I pooped!"
There may or may not have been a day recently in which Bea refused to say please and literally chased me around the house yelling at me to wipe her ass.
Naked.
Chasing me around.
Naked.
Unwiped.
Ass.
*******
Eight years old should maybe be afraid of four years old.
Al and kids sitting around living room the other night.
Bea playing with Olive. Owen reading books a few feet away.
Bea talking to Olive;
Bea: "Bite Owen. Go on. Bite him!"
Olive: You could tear my ears off and I wouldn't bite you. I'm the sweetest dog ever remember?
Bea: "Come on! Bite him Olive! Bite him!"
Olive: I wouldn't even bite that evil woman who calls herself Mommy. She fucking hates me and I don't want to bite her even a little. Why would I bite Owen?
Bea: "Please Olive? Bite Owen! Just bite him!!"
Olive: Fine.
Olive walks over to Owen and licks him.
Bea to Al: "That was a mean lick."
*******
Four years old knows that everyone needs a Mommy.
I got a call from my sister. Her boyfriend's mother is 95, living at home with him, and had possibly decided to start dying. She wanted me to go check on her.
And I'm just so fucking nice, I threw the kids in the car and headed over to see Edith.
My kids come to work with me often. They know about old people. They know old people die.
"Mommy? Is Joe's Mommy sick?"
"Well. She's very old and is maybe sick."
"Is Joe's Mommy going to die?"
"I don't know."
"If Joe's Mommy dies then who is going to be his Mommy? Is Joe going to get a new Mommy?"
"Oh Sweetie!"
Followed by a string of unintelligible rambling verklemptedness.
*******
Four years old just may be my favorite.
"Mom! I want some juice!"
"You want some juice what?"
"Apple!!"
*******
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LOL! I love how Bea's mind works. :)
ReplyDeleteI must have the mind of a four year old because it took me two reads to understand that you wanted her to say 'please' where you said 'what'.
ReplyDeleteAnd I like how he was concerned about getting a new mommy.
I love that she wanted the dog to bite owen and it went and licked him... a mean lick.
ReplyDeleteso cute- not the un-wiped ass story the mommy story!
ReplyDeleteVery much marching to the beat of her own drum!!
ReplyDelete(It's the second time I've "heard" the term so please explain verklemptness)
I usually just pretend to be stupid.
ReplyDelete"I want some juice."
"huh?"
"I WANT SOME JUICE!"
"I don't get it. What do you want?"
"JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUICE"
"What?"
etc.
:)
Excuse me, Ma'am. Do you have a license to publish this much awesome in one post? Pure, undiluted gold right here!!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to be reading your blog when Bea turns 16. ;~)
ReplyDeleteBea has just become my favorite 4 year old.
ReplyDeleteThis should be a sitcom! I love the one with Owen.
ReplyDeleteThey are their mother's children, I think.
ReplyDeleteFunny, funny, stuff. The "mean lick" was the best part.
ReplyDeleteIf I said please, do you think someone would wipe my ass?
ReplyDeleteWatch out, Bea is going to take over the world someday... and you better be on her "good" list.
ReplyDeleteLove this!
We've been trying to teach the kids sign language because they're really taking their damn time with learning how to talk.
ReplyDeleteThe boy gets it. When you point & grunt for something, you'll probably get it if you rub your belly after the grunt (rubbing a belly is as close as we can get, and we'll take it).
The girl knows to do it . . . but, when pointing & grunting doesn't work, she'll point & grunt louder. And scream. And cry. And crawl over to you and guide you to come back with her, where she'll scream and cry and carry on because you won't give her what she wants.
Only when I walk away might she make the sign for "please."
So, what you're saying is that I should give up hope because 4 is really no better than 3? I'll be at the mercy of an adorable tyrant for another year? Ugh.
ReplyDeleteLG and I had a standoff the other day. He was being a pain in the rear, so I stopped talking to him (my theory was if he wasn't listening anyway, why bother talking?). Pissed him right off, but he did start behaving.
4 is really my funnest age. Well, it was with the Big Kid. He was super cute and wordy. The lil one, about to turn 4 in September. I'm actually afraid of what he's going to spout out with. FEAR FOUR!
ReplyDeleteI loved 4. They were so entertaining at that age. Now mine are going on 6 and 10. Serious attitude adjustments are needed for all of us now.
ReplyDeleteFour was the highlight of our young years. She is hilarious, and certainly has a mind of her own! Watch out, she's going to keep you on your toes!
ReplyDeleteIf your four year old and my four year old ever meet, we're fucked.
ReplyDeleteI could almost see Olive's eyes rolling "FINE" I'm going to "bite" him right now...
ReplyDeleteAnd the juice comment? seriously something that MY four year old would say...
I almost died of laughter...
My kids still don't say please instead it's "I'd like some juice, NOW!" I think I have horrible children.
ReplyDelete"It was a mean lick."
ReplyDeletethats what she said.
Me: Could you post every day?
ReplyDeleteYou: What?
Me: Could you post every day?
You: What?
Me: COULD YOU POST EVERY DAY???
You: Could you post every day WHAT?
Me: Apple.
(this was my favorite. shhhh.)
P.S. I post only once a week. But I love your posts. so much.
Since I now have three 4 year olds, I have to agree with you... the are pretty awesome.
ReplyDeleteHow can Bea be only 4???
ReplyDeleteShe seemed so much older in my head.
Something tells me mama was just the same way.
xo
Might make life easier (or at least more straightforwardly justify fury?!) to say "I need you to say please first" or something so she can't play the fool?
ReplyDeleteLOLOLOLOL
ReplyDeleteAwesome... I love kids. I love the way they have NO filter.
:)
I cannot tell you how tired I am of wiping people's asses who never say please.
ReplyDeleteYeah, 4 year olds are awesome. Especially when they need their ass wiped.
ReplyDelete