Thursday, April 7, 2011

Giddy Things.

Last Thursday, Owen's birthday:

Bea is already downstairs when Owen wakes up. Al and I greet him with excited "Happy Birthday! You're EIGHT!!" and all that proud parent crap. We get him dressed in a nice new outfit and tell him how handsome and grown up he looks. He's bursting with special birthday goodness as he descends the stairs.

He's met at the bottom by Bea, who looks him up and down and tells him;

"You don't look very good."

Thank goodness Owen barely hears any words coming out of Bea's mouth, not to mention the unspoken;

"Happy fucking birthday miracle boy. I don't see what is so fucking great about you. You talk funny, you turn the TV up too loud and you have a big stupid bald spot on the back of your head."

I can't wait til they're teenagers.


Yesterday morning Bea bumbles downstairs after Owen has already left for school.

"Where's Owen?"

"He's gone to school."

"But I have to ask him something!!  Why he stole my dream last night!  He came in with scissors and scissored my dream!  He scissored it all up!!"

I'm so fucked when they're teenagers.


Bea telling me about her newest imaginary friend, who is a wolf, a Deaf one of course;  holding a little plastic shoe, trying to tie a piece of string to it.

"I have Wolfie's shoe here. It is a very special shoe. I need to put a strap on it. Wolf's need shoes with straps on their shoes. They're called Strap-ons."

Can't wait to tell her that one when she's a teenager.


A few of you have expressed your distaste of the dead bird picture for my Twitter. Over there ------>

Yeah. I suck at Twitter. I've tried, and I just don't get it.

Once in a while I stumble on a good blog through it, and some cool people have found me through it. So I'm going to keep it.

And am also keeping the dead bird.

Sherri told me she takes a strong disliking to blue jays, so that one is for her.

If there is a particular bird that you would like to see dead on my sidebar, let me know. I'll see what I can do.

With Easter coming up, I am thinking that a cute little dead chicken may be in order.


When Owen was little, I had quite the CD collection for our hours spent in the car; therapy, doctor and hospital appointments, driving him to and from school for three years:

Raffi, Wiggles, Jerry Garcia. The usual kiddie fare.

Then I met my boyfriend and we started going steady. Owen actually liked it. Would request certain songs even, played insanely loud even. Yay me.

Jason and I are on a break at the moment, and the kids are getting to know Mommy's latest crush;

Bea, sitting at the kitchen table painting and talking quietly to whatever invisible friend had joined her that day.  She starts humming and then?

"Man is a giddy thing.  Oh man is a giddy thing."

She's gonna have kick ass taste in music.


And while we're on the subject of my newest boyfriend, I'd like to ask Sherri to take a gander at that schnozz.  Cause if you're a fan o' the schnozz like we are, this one is a treat.

We'll be ignoring the fact that he's only 24 ok? 

That is a gorgeous schnozz no?


Fucking Jillsmo.

Tagged me for yet another meme, just to piss me off.  Again.

I'm to ask my child to draw a picture of me and...I don't fucking know. I stopped paying attention.

Owen is always drawing pictures.  Of all of us.  And he's getting pretty good.  Well.  I'm the Mommy, so I'm bound by natural law to think everything he does is fucking genius. 

I'll let you be the judge:

I know right?  Kid's got mad skills!

Then I asked him to draw Daddy's girlfriend Jessica;

Again.  Spot on.

I guess he is a fucking genius.



  1. Ha, love the dead bird. I hadn't noticed it so while reading I'm picturing a cartoon dead bird.
    I think your family needs a reality show.

  2. There is not another blogger out there that makes me laugh like you can. Your kids come by their mad skillz honestly... :)

  3. I am very into dream interpretations- Bea's dream is fascinating- scissors oy vey.

    I hate your dead bird-

  4. my g-d, when he speaks French at the end…melt

  5. I will love you forever if you put ALL BIRDS DEAD DEAD DEAD on your Twitter thingy. I hate birds. Hate them so very, very much.

    Nice job with the photos. It totally looks like you. And Jessica, man, is that a digital photo? It's unreal.

  6. fucking strap on! damn it she's a trip.

    i don't mind pics of birds, but i have had E nuff, of the nasty pigeons that harrass me on the train platform. bastards.

    you know what they say; big nose, big....boogers

  7. Yeah, you make me laugh too. Even on bad drama ridden days. So, thank-you for that.

    I got my smart phone and still haven't gotten around to Twitter. I mean, I am such a loser at the blog these days what makes me think I can take on something else?

  8. HE'S ONLY 24???

    Oh my god, I'm a pedophile

  9. I love dead birds and strap-ons.

    That is one sentence I never thought I'd have the occasion to say.

  10. i don't mind the dead bird pic and i totally don't get twitter either. i mean i understand the CONCEPT....but really? i don't think the world needs to know what i'm doing every minute of the day. it's not that exciting.
    the conversations your kids have crack me up, and remind me of my kids (when they were younger). for example: when they were about 5 and 8 they boy said something about a fudge-ina (trying to say vagina). the girl (older) said, hey stupid it's not fudge-ina it's VA-gina; you don't eat it! i thought the hubs was going to drive off the side of the road.

  11. He is totally an artistic genius!

    By the way, age is nothing but a number. And 24 is legal.

  12. The dead bird totally works. Keep it. In fact, could you make it a grackle? I hate those fuckers. Also, your boyfriend reminds me a little of Charlie Chapline. Just a little. Do you see it? And happy birthday to Owen!

  13. That dead bird cracked me up.
    Two Words...Banana Phone.

  14. Can you put a (dead) pic of that cadbury bunny thing--it always drives me nuts this time of year.

    And 24 is above the law so I'm cool with that. ;)


    If you shop around on my blog at all you will find me mentioning my fear and hatred of live birds.

    THE BEST BIRD? Is a dead bird.

    Cooked with some pasta and garlic.

    I would love to see a dead pigeon.

    Love your blog EVEN more with dead birds on it.

    I have a HUGE bloggy love for you now.

    that is all

  16. People spend way too much time looking at your fucking side bar. Enough with the dead bird. Let it go, life did.

    You are fucked when those kids get older. Their taste in music will be better than yours and they'll be cuter than your wrinkly old ass.

    LG will tell you that in order for the big eagle at the nature center to be happy? He has to eat the little birdies. (they feed the eagle baby chicks, much to my sadistic little bastard's delight).

  17. A blue jay fucked up my cat when I was a kid - hated them ever since.

    Yeah, you're going to have tons of fun when your kids are teenagers. Did Bea happen to say HOW Owen scissored her dream? Because scissoring a dream might be a handy talent.

  18. twitter bugs me. I hate feeling like I need to tweet something. so I don't. And bluejays are obnoxious.

    you are in a for a treat when they are teenagers. The photo album of Owen in princess dresses alone should be enough.

  19. So THAT'S why Jason has more time for me.
    I didn't know Jessica Alba had a c-section..

  20. I liked the bird on a plate. Keep switching it up.

    The strap on is priceless. Love it.

  21. Dude is cute, but was born the same year I graduated... from college. Ack.

    Jessica needs to eat a sandwich.

  22. I love him. And I haven't graduated from college yet - that has to count for something, right? Oh, and that nose? Ohhhhhh that nose...

    You are in big BIG trouble when they're older LOL

    I've missed reading you - I'm baaaaaaaack. :)

  23. guess what? I think you're awesome and I love you. Period.

    Also, I've never done kids' music. I fucking hate that shit. The bird is into Avett Brothers now. But, thanks to my husband, she's really into Lil Wayne.

  24. I highly approve of that schnoz.

  25. Where to begin? Bea is also brilliant. The stuff she says. Oh man. Giddy. And what is wrong with the schnoz? It appears totally normal to me. Either that or I have seen much, much worse. Love the way you tie it all together at the end. It appears, Tulpen, that you have adorable children whom you are mad about.

  26. The strap-on?
    Made me laugh out loud.
    This wouldn't have been too much of a big deal if my mother in law wasn't here and didn't want to know "what's so funny dear? You reading on your bloggy over there?"


  27. A dead Mocking Bird! those damn things drive me nuts, and they are the TN bird so I think I might go to jail if I start shooting them. There is one that sits outside all hours and sings it's little heart out, it's an irritating little shit!

    oh and you're HOT!

  28. Yeah you are pretty screwed, I'd start saving for boarding school now.

  29. The one bonus Owen has when they are teenagers is he can turn his hearing aids down or take them off and seriously not hear a single word Bea says.She can learn (eventually) how effective yelling at a Deaf person is. Also she can't hate him too much if all her invisible friends who need strap ons are deaf. I love the pictures, obviously he is a genius. Is Jessica on the British dental plan?

  30. Dead birds totally rock in my world. Especially if they slammed into my freshly cleaned window to die.

    Giddy. I'm giddy over the strap on. You know this right? Priceless.

  31. A crow? Please? They're everywhere around here and THEY EAT BABY BIRDS. Plus they torment my dogs.

    Strap on. Giggle.

  32. Yeah, the teenage years over there are going to be quite something!

    I wouldn't be too mad at ya if you used a dead crow. I hate those effers.

  33. Aw, happy birthday Owen! And poor Bea for having her dream stolen from her. If she'd like, she can have the dream I had last week where I got busted at the Brazilian border for having a marinated chicken in my suitcase. And you can have the dead bird.

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  35. I just found your blog... and I love it! Love your wicked sense of humor. I think a dead chick is brilliant... perhaps her could use a cracked open egg with the white and yolk for Easter. Not sure if everyone would get it. So glad I found this!

  36. oh the teenage years will provide LOADS of blog material! lol

    and the dead bird thing? screw 'em if they can't take it. i have had some complaints about my new header, but whatever. if the harshest thing in your day is looking at a picture of a dead bird and getting all freaked out about it, you are kind of a WUSS.

  37. My husband as a shnozz. Sigh. It's just lovely.


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