Thursday, May 20, 2010

Variation On A Theme.

At the old place, it was Fuck You Friday; random bitching at whatever/whomever was pissing me off at the moment.

I'm not feeling the need to tell people off so much, but a good rant is healthy no? And excessive profanity makes me happy.


Ridiculous shit that made my inner sailor want to curse up a storm this week:

Stoopid Car Rental Guy:

Yes I was aware that the rental that Mr. Crazyasfuckinghell reserved had been cancelled by a member of our staff. Our nursing staff who know that this man is demented as fuck and if he were able to operate a vehicle, which is highly doubtful, he would be a danger to himself and everyone else on the road.

No, I don't really care that you can't "Legally cancel the reservation, as the man has a valid driver's license and credit card" based on MY opinion of his mental status.

It is a fucking medical diagnosis dipshit; Dementia with psychosis, not my fucking 'opinion'.

You can't cancel the reservation? Fine. Drop the car off. Hand the crazy old fucker the keys.

I hope he thought enough to get fucking insurance on the fucking thing.

Clueless Delivery Guy:

Apparently, after he reserved his rental car, Mr. Crazyasfuckinghell called and made another purchase.

None of us had a clue when you walked onto the floor looking for Mr. Crazyasfuckinghell. We thought maybe you were a grandson or something.

We have to wonder though, what YOU were thinking;

When you pulled up to a fucking NURSING HOME with your delivery,

And when you got off the elevator and were surrounded by a dozen nurses, therapists, aides, and lots of sick old people,

And when Mr. Crazyasfuckinghell came out to greet you and receive his purchase of:

A ginormous bottle of fucking VODKA.

Really? You didn't think to check with a nurse before handing over the hard stuff?

And one more thing I need to know:

Who fucking delivers ALCOHOL around here? And why don't I have your number on speed dial??

Twelve Children's Hospital Employees Whom I Spoke To Between Monday and Wednesday Who Were No Fucking Help At All:

Ativan. That was all I needed. One fucking little white pill to get Owen through horrific ear cleaning procedure on Wednesday.

Three hours before appointment, no script called in.

Finally speak to nurse two hours before appointment;

"No, don't bother trying to get a hold of Dr. Reallynicebutdroppedthefuckingballonthisone. Cancel the appointment, have him call in the script, again, when I have that little pill in my hand, I'll call and reschedule".

On second thought, make that two pills.

Ya. One for me. I hear it goes well with Pinot Grigio.

Most Disgusting Fucking Dog On The Fucking Planet And Fucking Kids Who Love You:

What the fuck did you eat anyway? That was a lot of puke on my living room rug, even for you.

That I of course fucking stepped in and tracked all over the fucking house.

Why the fuck are we still feeding you? You just roam the neighborhood and ransack every one's trash. You filthy rotten fucking hound. You are so lucky that Al and the kids like you. If I had my way, I'd gift you to the fucking coyotes I hear howling every night. They'd make quick work of you little doggie.

And Owen, no, please don't drop your drawers and pee right on the front lawn, find a fucking tree will you?

That's better.

No, Bea, we're girls, we have to go inside and use the potty to pee. Please don't try to piss on a tree. Please?

OWEN!! What the fuck!!! You can't poop out here! Are you fucking kidding me?

Both of you. Now. You need to go play in the back, away from Owen's poop. I don't want you stepping in...


Bad Bad Bad Dog!! I'm gonna hurl, I'm gonna hurl, I'm gonna hurl.

No kids, you can't play over there, even though Olive ate Owen's poop.

We're going inside now.

Mommy needs some juice.


  1. HaHaHaaaa - hope your juice supply held up against the onslaught!

    Pony Baby Boy arrived this morning and desperately needs a name. Please get Bea on the case immediately. He's just two towns away if a personal connection would be helpful. The cuteness is almost as soothing as juice. I said almost.

  2. DarcC: Yay on the Pony! So fun!
    Where exactly are you guys? Bea kind of sucks at naming things you know. Your Pony might be stuck with the name '32'.

  3. Pony is boarded at a farm in Halifax. I just moved a couple of hours away, but I will be down this weekend, not sure yet what day. Is either day better for you to come by? There are two other babies there, but they are already named. I know she sucks at naming, I can't wait to see what she comes up with :) When I was little I named a male cat Princess Pauline, so she can't do any worse than that (we hope). You can email me hamletgrove at yahoo to coordinate.

  4. Halifax is easy. I'll email you.

  5. Since when did they start delivering alcohol and why didn't we know about this?

    Hats off to Bea who tried to pee outside. Boys have all the fucking fun. I want to pee outside whenever I want to.

    I peed my pants laughing at Owen pooping outside. Priceless.

    Poor Olive. It's a hard knock life.

  6. Who fucking delivers ALCOHOL around here? And why don't I have your number on speed dial??

    I hear ya.

    W. peed on the deck today. where we were all eating dinner. not cool.

  7. hell I can't even get wine at the grocery store let alone get it delivered to my fucking front door!

    oh and yea it sucks to be a girl and have to go inside to pee.

  8. LOL! You make my day. Thx,

  9. lol - yard poos and filthy dogs gave me flashbacks...

    Who would've thought we'd have THAT in common?

  10. Whenever I come here, I end up feeling that my life is relatively OK!!!! :)

  11. I just read the comments- Didn't everyone have dial-a-bottle in college- I thought that was the norm!?!?
    Then again I did undergrad in Canada- Maybe it's a Canadian thing.

  12. Alcohol delivery?? Where?? It didn't have MY name on it, did it?

    Love the new digs, Tulpen. What promted the change??

    I swear, you take a few weeks off and the whole world goes to shit.

    glad to see you, tho.

    (and A Prayer For Owen Meany is MY favorite book too!)

  13. Vodka Delivery...I sense a lucrative business opportunity here.

    And of course the dog is puking because he's eating human feces. [no lie, our dog did that growing up...and why was there human feces outside? I'm one of 6, we had 1 bathroom..."out back" was often the quickest place to drop a deuce)

    have a great weekend - here's to some warm weather.

  14. A little vodka with that juice, maybe?

  15. an alcohol delivery service? I am so into this idea. maybe if the whole pharmacy thing doesn't work out I'll look into it.

    No. Hold the phone. I'm developing a plan. We deliver meds at the pharmacy. Maybe we should just deliver alcohol too. Oh my god. You are a freaking genius woman. I'll give you a cut.

    as far as kids pooping in the front lawn... I can honestly say it's never happened to me. Have you ever met my sister tho? Yeah, her kids did it cuz they were playing puppy-dog or something like that :)

  16. wait... just a sec... gotta grab a pen....

    i evidently need to take notes if i'm gonna hang out around here.

    ...cause i didnt know your dogs name from your kids names yet... and for a minute... i thought...


    see? coulda been worse.

    happy juicing.

  17. Go, mommy, be free!

    You are livin' large on this blog, lady!

  18. Nothing else sunk in after you mentioned "alcohol delivery" ~ you live in a wonderful, wonderful place!

  19. I wish I could think of something wonderful to say, but I can't get past the vodka. Delivered. To my door.

  20. You make me laugh out loud - all.the.time. Thank you for that. Oh, and you're an awesome "sailor" mom ;D


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